Coming Clean… part 2

At the beginning of June I posted “Coming Clean”. I explained how I have been feeling that I need to put together a personal ritual or ceremony of cleansing over myself, my life, my family and my home. As part of this coming clean process I have been writing out cleansing statements. These statements represent what I want to say, and where I want to say them when I walk through my home, and carry on with my life. I personally believe that the spoken word has a lot of power. I believe that words can build, and that they can destroy. I know they can hold people prisoner. I also believe that part of the spoken word’s power is our faith in those words. We must acknowledge them and trust that they are true (or false) or they are just meaningless sounds uttered into the wind.

Anyways I have put together my daily “mantra” if you will. I have been saying this over myself at least twice a day since Monday June 22.

“I am calling home all of the energy that I have left behind or given away carelessly. And I release all energies that I am carrying that do not belong to me, sending them back to whomever or wherever they belong.”

(This mantra is evolving and keeps changing to be smoother and more meaningful to me as I continue to say it.)

I can’t say that these words are necessarily restoring me at this point but I can safely say that they are helping me to see what I do and what I don’t have control over, and that I can change the things I do have control over, and find peace with the things I don’t. These words are helping me to be more self aware about how I spend my energy, and about who I am pouring that energy into and to take a moment to look at why. To be able to ask myself “What is the motive for why I am doing this?” It’s important for me to be motivated by love, an honest desire to help or give and to have pure intentions. If I am acting out of guilt, duty, or because it’s just easier, then I probably should be saying no. If I have already said no then I need to stand by that unless there is a valid reason to change my mind. And if I am giving because I am motivated by gain, I need to re-evaluate the cost. Is that gain equal to or greater than what I am giving away?

I hope this doesn’t sound selfish in any way, it’s not meant to. I am acting on the premise of self care. I have spent far too much of my life as a “giver”. I have given till I have been depleted and then not been able to give when and where I really felt I should because there was nothing left. This practice has left me sick, tired and resentful. It’s time to learn to act on the things I have learned and believe. Self care is essential to caring for others. The bible says “Love your neighbour as yourself”, I think that if that is the second out of only two commands the first being “love the lord your God with all your heart” then it’s pretty freaking important. So why are we are taught that self love is the sin of pride? (That, my friends, is another conversation for another time.)

Here’s to coming out clean, no matter how long or how strange the process may seem. 🙂

There is something wrong here…

What is wrong with people?

I saw this on FB this morning.

Basically some guy put 365 hand written love-notes in a mason jar for his girlfriend. The intention is for her to pick one each morning as a sweet and inspirational way to start the day. I think the sentiment is romantic and sweet. Who’s with me on that? I would be flattered by both the thought and the effort put into something like that.

OK now comes my problem… people are assholes. Especially women between about 35 and 55. Yes I went there and I said it. It seems that middle aged women are bunch of jilted, unromantic, hard-hearted bitches, with massive trust issues! Remember the old adage “if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all”? I made the mistake of reading some of the comments left on FB. It made me very sad and angry. A few men commented, but mostly it was women. And they were rude! (OOPs I am ranting here and so I’m not really saying anything nice myself… I think that may be called hypocrisy – but seriously I am so tired of seeing stuff like this all over the internet, there is a reason why 75%+ of the time I refuse to read comments on internet posts)

There are rude comments about how lame such a gesture is. Comments about how lame their man is “I’d have been happy just with my husband putting the loo seat back down”. Comments about the guy being a pussy “That guy needs some testicles for Christmas”. A lot of comments such as “I’d run!”, “BARF!”, “CREEPY!”. And if some-one dared say something nice or supportive, they got put in their place pretty quickly:

Comment: Anyone that thinks this is sickening or wimpy etc really needs to re-evaluate their relationships. This is a very sweet gesture and it comes right from his heart. How awesome is it when you’re having a bad day and you read a little note or quote from the person you love. It’s priceless really.

Reply: Any guy that has this much time on his hands needs to do some re-evaluating. Its needy and manipulative behavior.

How is it needy and manipulative? I mean I haven’t read the actually notes, so maybe it is needy and manipulative. But the idea is not. The idea is personal. The idea is one motivated by love and a desire to create happiness. It’s like having a 365 page book with your favourite quotes, lyrics and love notes, one page per day. Suddenly if you look at is as a published book about self-love & self-help it’s inspirational, motivating, maybe even a breath of fresh air. But as a hand made gesture of romantic love it’s apparently clingy, pukey, terrifying and manipulative…

I just do not get it. I cannot wrap my brain around the mistrust, fear and anger that this brought forth in so many people.

Women are constantly complaining that romance and chivalry are dead. That they want a nice, good, decent guy. And then something like this is shared and they go all ape shit about everything that is apparently wrong about it. No wonder guys don’t know what we want.

The funny thing about it is that most comments I read from guys were not negative (although some were), quite a few guys said they had done similar things to propose or for Valentine’s etc. just not as elaborate.

So maybe romance and chivalry are not dead, maybe the men who aspire to be such things have been beaten for their attempts and are no longer willing to put the effort forth for fear of the backlash? I don’t know. I just needed to vent…

Insecurity motivates stupidity…

I have recently learned the lesson that texting is a poor method of communication and that one must think before hitting send. (One being me). That we can carelessly type something and send it without understanding, contemplating, knowing… how it may be taken. (We being me). I have realized that even though something may seem funny or clever as it is typed, how it will be perceived is another matter all together. There is no body language, voice inflection, or twinkle in the eye to indicate what was actually meant vs what the words may, or may not, actually say. Which basically translates as: I said something off hand in an attempt to hide emotions I was feeling and in turn hurt and emotionally wounded someone I deeply care about.

I’m sorry isn’t enough, but it’s all I have