myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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Coming Clean… part 2

At the beginning of June I posted “Coming Clean”. I explained how I have been feeling that I need to put together a personal ritual or ceremony of cleansing over myself, my life, my family and my home. As part of this coming clean process I have been writing out cleansing statements. These statements represent what I want to say, and where I want to say them when I walk through my home, and carry on with my life. I personally believe that the spoken word has a lot of power. I believe that words can build, and that they can destroy. I know they can hold people prisoner. I also believe that part of the spoken word’s power is our faith in those words. We must acknowledge them and trust that they are true (or false) or they are just meaningless sounds uttered into the wind.

Anyways I have put together my daily “mantra” if you will. I have been saying this over myself at least twice a day since Monday June 22.

“I am calling home all of the energy that I have left behind or given away carelessly. And I release all energies that I am carrying that do not belong to me, sending them back to whomever or wherever they belong.”

(This mantra is evolving and keeps changing to be smoother and more meaningful to me as I continue to say it.)

I can’t say that these words are necessarily restoring me at this point but I can safely say that they are helping me to see what I do and what I don’t have control over, and that I can change the things I do have control over, and find peace with the things I don’t. These words are helping me to be more self aware about how I spend my energy, and about who I am pouring that energy into and to take a moment to look at why. To be able to ask myself “What is the motive for why I am doing this?” It’s important for me to be motivated by love, an honest desire to help or give and to have pure intentions. If I am acting out of guilt, duty, or because it’s just easier, then I probably should be saying no. If I have already said no then I need to stand by that unless there is a valid reason to change my mind. And if I am giving because I am motivated by gain, I need to re-evaluate the cost. Is that gain equal to or greater than what I am giving away?

I hope this doesn’t sound selfish in any way, it’s not meant to. I am acting on the premise of self care. I have spent far too much of my life as a “giver”. I have given till I have been depleted and then not been able to give when and where I really felt I should because there was nothing left. This practice has left me sick, tired and resentful. It’s time to learn to act on the things I have learned and believe. Self care is essential to caring for others. The bible says “Love your neighbour as yourself”, I think that if that is the second out of only two commands the first being “love the lord your God with all your heart” then it’s pretty freaking important. So why are we are taught that self love is the sin of pride? (That, my friends, is another conversation for another time.)

Here’s to coming out clean, no matter how long or how strange the process may seem. 🙂


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Creativity, boundaries and my left brain – right brain struggles…

I have not written an official post in over a month. Why? I can’t really say. It’s not for lack of wanting to. And yet I just haven’t posted. I’ve had some ideas here and there but usually by the time I get to a computer and have the opportunity to write I can’t remember what these great ideas were. I have gotten thru the busy time of year for me. 2 teenaged girl birthdays in a span of 11 days and Thanksgiving weekend nestled in with them. But I don’t think that is the problem either, hectic maybe but not the problem. I would love to say that I have not written because I have been far too busy in the throws of love, enraptured in some glorious affair with a man who adores me and spoils me rotten, but alas that is but a mere fantasy… sigh. Truthfully I have just been unmotivated, and perhaps a bit blah. I do not want to use this place as a journal, or as a place to ‘bitch n moan’. This blog was created as a means to express my creativity, and for expressing my opinions and ideas.

It is not only my writing that has taken a back seat lately either, I have not been reading, drawing, colouring, singing, cooking/baking nothing creative I’m afraid. So yesterday I sat myself down and spent roughly 30 minutes playing with clay. I made an abstract bunny, base don something I saw on pinterest, and a calla lily (which my daughter informed me looked very phallic – my response of course was to be very mature and call her a perv). I have determined that once the clay is dry I will paint/colour them. I really need to commit to doing something creative each week, for my own sanity. One guaranteed thing a week is not a far stretch, it’s doable, and I believe it has the potential to grow from there once a pattern is set.

In all honesty I have been doing things to appease my more logical side, I have been acting like a left brainer. Doing Sudukos, and playing various versions of solitaire, and puzzle challenges. It’s like my brain has been needing exercise. I am working on things that are hard for me. Things that need discipline and logical clear thought. I have written about my need for boundaries before, and at the time was all hyped up and emotional about how I would be practicing expressing my true feelings and actually doing something about boundaries, but alas it was that creative emotional right brained bullshit that I get so ensared in, and then it withered, as it always does, and I was left with a mess that I hid under the rug rather than cleaning up. I have realized that this is my pattern, my very unhealthy and unproductive pattern. I need to stop being so damned nice because in reality it isn’t nice at all, it’s just being a wimpy weiner and an asshole. I am robbing myself of peace – which ripples to the kids and into other areas of my life. And it is not being true to how I am really feeling, which in turn is stringing people along with false impressions of what is going on.

I have my fingers crossed that I can exercise some discipline, buckle down and do what I need to do on a continuous and consistent level. It will be hard at first, but I do know that it will be worth it and effect other areas of my life positively.


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Day 34 – This is my life…

A good friend of mine recently made some life decisions that truly upset me, and I felt hurt and angry, and then a quiet voice spoke to me. It told me this is her life. She did not ask for opinion only for your love and support. And I realized it wasn’t my business, it wasn’t my place to judge, and I was wrong not her. It’s her life, she needs to make her own choices and her own mistakes. All I am called to do is to love her and support her through it. No I told you so’s… no getting hurt and angry… no telling her all the reasons why it is is foolish in my eyes… just love and support.

Well this weekend I made some life decisions that not everyone understands. Primarily some of my family. But I have realized that I have to be able to let go sometimes and do things for myself even if my family doesn’t understand or objects. I am allowed to be happy. I am allowed to take time for myself. I am allowed to spend/devote some of my love to others, to outside sources, and especially to myself. And if my family can’t love me enough and get their attitudes out of the way so they can  say; these are my choices and I am not asking for their opinion. If they can’t just be happy for me and support me. And if they can’t be available to love me without judgement when/if I fail, then it is a sad day and they need to fix priorities not me.

I spend far too much of my time worrying about them, molly-coddling them, depriving myself because it might upset them. So much time in fact that I have not been allowing myself to live. I am not talking about abandoning or neglecting children by any means. I am talking about giving myself time. I already know that it is unhealthy and the breeding ground for resentment. And I have walked away from that place. I have finally accepted that I have to make boundaries FOR REAL and that parts of my life are mine, my business, my choices and it’s not about them.

So here’s to learning to take some time for ourselves!