myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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absence…

I have been hopelessly absent as of late. There has been much going on that has contributed to it. But when it all gets boiled down the truth is I have just been feeling down.

My office relocated – moving a home is difficult, moving a business is worse. It has been an enormous event that has left me feeling exhausted and embittered. The boss announced our move roughly a month and half before it would happen, but refused to solidly commit to a date. He then announced that he would be gone for 2 weeks on holidays and I was left to take care of everything (and I still had a possible question mark on the date…) I made all the arrangements, packed the majority of the office, with the exception of each employees personal office space. All considered things went fairly smoothly. I have yet to receive a thank-you for all the work I put in from the boss, one of my co-workers has been very kind and wonderful though so that helps some. I had been kind of excited about the move. We went from a dirty old building in an out of the way area, to brand new renovations, all new paint and carpet, right downtown. And now I just don’t give a shit.

See after the move things did not go as planned. I nearly quit my job last Tuesday by way of telling my boss “to go fuck himself”. Thankfully I held my tongue. He was in a snit because things were unorganized and there were a bunch of boxes in our entrance area. He took it out on me as “we are a place of business and it’s a mess”. I agreed it was a mess, but the kicker is the boxes were the last ones to leave the old office. He had gone back on his own to get them and they were supposed to go the local second hand store – I had offered to take them. Instead of going to the second hand store they sat in his car for 3 days and then on Thursday after everyone was gone he removed them from his car, so that it was empty for traveling on the Easter weekend, and put them in the entrance area. Then on Tuesday he chose to blame me for them being there. He “asked” me my opinion on how we should set the entrance area up then literally turned and walked away while I was answering him, then came back and got flippant with me when I had not moved the boxes and set up chairs etc. I said “and where shall I relocate the boxes to?” This response aggravated him, and I got told that I should be doing something not sitting at my computer (did I mention it is also our year end? Or that he was fiddling around setting up the TV in the boardroom, because that is an urgent task I’m sure, and had been reading the local paper in his office only a few minutes before that?)

Anyways I have been feeling sick, exhausted and morally low since. I am seeking other employment as I do not think I will last there much longer. The only thing worse than being at a job that isn’t fulfilling/rewarding is having to deal with people who have zero appreciation for what you do . Add that I’m not actually making enough to meet all my obligations, well….

And there is also much going on in my private life as well. My dear 17 is graduating this year – a costly affair that is approaching far too quickly, and she has recently started a job which means “hello mom’s chauffeur service”. Also my ex moved province and did it in a way that was just so typical – he didn’t even say goodbye to the girls the day he left, instead he guilted them for not magically knowing and calling to say bye to him (even though he broke plans twice to spend time with them before leaving). This obviously has not gone over well. They hold a brave face but I know. Of course I know I’m mom – I see them everyday, I just know. (I also seem to get the brunt of the attitude it leaves behind)

So I have been in a wee bit of a dark, hectic place as of late.I don’t like feeling void. I don’t like being perpetually exhausted. I don’t like dreading going back to work tomorrow. I hate dealing with toxic people. I hate that I have not been blogging….

We will see what the future holds. I’m routing for good things. Big changes. But good results.


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The Risk of Living

myspokenheart:

This pretty much sums it up :)

Originally posted on John Mitchell:

Lightning StrikesWhat makes an 80 year old woman jump out of a plane at 10,000 feet? Maybe she wants to prove to herself that she’s finally a risk taker. Perhaps it’s for the thrill. Or just because she can.

Every day we take risks. Most of the time we don’t even think about it because the risk is so stacked in our favor that there’s hardly a risk at all. Like eating raw oysters. Or taking a taxi ride in New York City.

Then of course there is the opposite of risk. Comfort. Being so comfortable where we are that we never want to risk losing what we have. But without risk, life is very dull indeed.

Sometimes it helps to think in extremes. To wonder about your life if everything was to change overnight. What would you risk everything for? For your children’s lives? Certainly. To escape an inevitable death?…

View original 256 more words


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Death by complacency…

Do you think it is possible to die from complacency? Do you think our dreams and desires can just wither up and blow away in the wind? Do you believe that each person has a purpose? That every one of us is unique by design and has some sort of special function in society? A divine reason to be? Or do we just exist, be born, work, pay bills, get old, die?

I am starting to believe that complacency is the rot that slowly eats away at the soul leaving us to wander as metaphorical zombies through life. I think it consumes our moral fibre, it kills hope, desire, morale, incentive… causes us to just give up, and leaves behind a resounding cry of “meh, good enough.”

You know the catch phrases: “It’s the way it is and the way it’s always been.” “Get with the program.” “Your dreams won’t pay the bills or put food on your plate.” “Grow up and get your head out of the clouds.” “Just work harder and you’ll eventually catch your break.” blah, blah, blah the voices of the disenfranchised. (I gave up on my dreams now it’s your turn…)

As a society we seem to suffer from a severe case of settling. It’s easier to conform to the routine of life than to take the plunge and do what we were meant to do; LIVE! Fear holds back the masses. “But this is how it’s supposed to be, right?” but if this is how it’s meant to be then why, oh why are we all so unhappy, so blah, going through the motions eagerly pleading for our days off to arrive quickly, yet never feeling like they are enough? Working at jobs that we find mediocre at best just to barely pay the bills, never having that extra bit that we swear we will start setting aside next payday, every payday, so that one day we do whatever that dream of ours is… buy a boat, go on vacation, get the tools or art supplies or technology to make it a reality.

This morning on the way to work I was listening to the radio, I discovered that minimum wage is going up again: $0.40 an hour, come this September. I’m not sure that is going to make a huge difference to people trying to survive on it but it’s a step in the right direction. Anyways the announcers went on to say that according to recent studies in order for people to survive above the “poverty line” in the area I live minimum wage would need to be $17.10 per hour. That is more than I currently make an hour and is $6.85 more than the current minimum wage. No wonder so many people seem to have given up. No wonder complacency has enveloped the masses. We are tired of fighting a losing battle. An invisible war between the haves and the have-nots. And I am not just talking about people here, those who have and those who have-not, but rather dreams, I’m referencing the war of have and have-not for our dreams.

The sacrifices we have made, most likely not even on a conscious level, in order to survive (barely) in a society that promises to provide and give in abundance if we would just work a little harder, give a little more, yet in the end it only seems  to take and continues to demand more! more! more! until there is nothing left. Nothing but an empty husk that was once ripe and full of dreams and now is barren and withered like an old woman’s womb.

I seem to cycle through my complacency. It hits in waves. A wave crashes down and I feel so overwhelmed by it I cannot fathom moving forward. Then it recedes and I feel the sun’s warmth, I see it’s brilliance and I am filled with hope. I struggle to upright myself, to make my way across the beach, just as another wave crashes down on me. But I will not give up. Even if I have to crawl across the beach, enduring the pummeling waves. I will make it, I can see the line where the waves give way and cannot reach… I will make it. How about you?

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