myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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Drops of Jupiter…

Hey Ronnie it’s “our” song!!!

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Shine!!!

I Need to SHINE!!!

I have been absent for quite sometime. Longer than I’m probably aware, the days have all been just a blur to me and I am still in shock that it’s already October. I would love to be able to tell you all that it’s because I found some amazing job and have been so busy I just lost track of time; or I could tell you that I have been diligently pounding the pavement searching for work and that the economy is just so bad I can’t find one. But either way that would be a lie. I have actually been rather lax in the job hunt, don’t get me wrong I need a job, but I just can’t bring myself to apply for another soul sucker, no matter how much it pays.

I have had so much weird and crazy stuff happen all at once in my life that I am grateful I wasn’t working, I probably would have had a complete meltdown if I’d had to actually fo to work through it all. My town had a bank robbery and hostage taking roughly a month and a half ago, the hostage was my daughter’s boyfriend’s mother, it hit far too close for comfort I’m afraid. My youngest went to go visit her brother and father in the neighbouring province – she’s been gone over a month now and isn’t sure when she is gonna head back, but she is coming back. My eldest gave her notice and then could not find a place, her landlady said no worries just let me know and you can stay here longer if needed. So she took a place that would have required her to stay an extra 2 weeks at her old place – of course by then the landlady changed her mind so I had my Daughter’s family stay at my place (2 adults, 3 kids, 2 cats and 3 guinea pigs – which I am allergic to all the pets) It was insane. So I deserted ship and went to visit a friend for a week which was amazing. All of this occurred the end of August/beginning of September. All is quite around here now, thankfully, but still I can’t seem to push myself I just keep procrastinating…

So what have I been doing since everything has calmed down? A lot of soul searching, a lot of both mental and physical purging. I’ve been preparing for major change, I’m not really sure what that change is just yet but I know it’s coming and I know it’s gonna be big.

What have I learned through my soul searching? I’ve learned tat there is still a lot of fear deep down inside me. I’ve learned that I have been unhappy for a very long time. Not that I haven’t had happy moments, or things to be happy for, but deep down there has been a stillness. I have realized that I need to do more for myself on a consistent level, not this weird haphazard way I tend to do things. I’ve realized that I am happiest when I have someone to do for (not meaning a relationship, but yes it could be). I need to do something big and important (at least something I see as important). I’ve learned that I need to shine. I want to shine. I have learned that in order to shine I need to be happy, and yet in order to be happy I have to be shining. I can’t have one without the other.

What is shining? It’s doing the things that illuminate my heart and make my life feel worth something. It’s achieved through so many things, being creative, expressing myself, being near people who care, doing things for others – things that matter, having others be interested in me. That last one is a weird one for me. I never realized how much of my self worth rests in knowing others have an interest in me. I’m not talking sexual desire (although that’s nice too) but rather just as I am interested in people and want to be around them and help them, people are interested in me and want to be around me and help me too.

So I’m working things out slowly. It’s a never ending process I’m afraid. Change is hard, acknowledging a need for change is hard. Life is hard. But I NEED to SHINE. And change is the ony way I can achieve that.

So shine on you crazy diamond, SHINE!!!

Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there’s a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the cross fire of childhood and stardom,
Blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter, come on you stranger,
You legend, you martyr, and shine!

You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
Rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions, come on you painter,
You piper, you prisoner, and shine!

Nobody knows where you are, how near or how far.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Pile on many more layers and I’ll be joining you there.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
And we’ll bask in the shadow of yesterday’s triumph,
And sail on the steel breeze.
Come on you boy child, you winner and loser,
Come on you miner for truth and delusion, and shine!


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Lost Stars… Begin Again

I watched the movie Begin Again the other day and quite enjoyed it… Here is one of the feature songs:

Please, don’t see
Just a boy caught up in dreams
And fantasies

Please, see me
Reaching out for someone
I can’t see

Take my hand
Let’s see where we wake up tomorrow
Best laid plans
Sometimes are just a one night stand

I’ll be damned
Cupid’s demanding back it’s arrow
So let’s get drunk on our tears

And God, tell us the reason
Youth is wasted on the young
It’s hunting season
And the lambs are on the run

Searching for meaning
But are we all lost stars
Trying to light up the dark

Who are we?
Just a speck of dust
Within the galaxy?

Woe, is me
If we’re not careful
Turns into reality

But don’t you dare
Let our best memories bring you sorrow
Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer
Turn the page
Maybe we’ll find a brand new ending
Where we’re dancing in our tears

And God, tell us the reason
Youth is wasted on the young
It’s hunting season
And the lambs are on the run

We’re searching for meaning
But are we all lost stars
Trying to light up the dark

I thought I saw you out there crying
I thought I heard you call my name
I thought I heard you out there crying
But just the same

And God, give us the reason
Youth is wasted on the young
It’s hunting season
And this lamb is on the run

Searching for meaning
But are we all lost stars
Trying to light up the dark

I thought I saw you out there crying
I thought I heard you call my name
I thought I heard you out there crying

But are we all lost stars
Trying to light up the dark

But are we all lost stars
Trying to light up the dark