myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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Coming Clean… part 2

At the beginning of June I posted “Coming Clean”. I explained how I have been feeling that I need to put together a personal ritual or ceremony of cleansing over myself, my life, my family and my home. As part of this coming clean process I have been writing out cleansing statements. These statements represent what I want to say, and where I want to say them when I walk through my home, and carry on with my life. I personally believe that the spoken word has a lot of power. I believe that words can build, and that they can destroy. I know they can hold people prisoner. I also believe that part of the spoken word’s power is our faith in those words. We must acknowledge them and trust that they are true (or false) or they are just meaningless sounds uttered into the wind.

Anyways I have put together my daily “mantra” if you will. I have been saying this over myself at least twice a day since Monday June 22.

“I am calling home all of the energy that I have left behind or given away carelessly. And I release all energies that I am carrying that do not belong to me, sending them back to whomever or wherever they belong.”

(This mantra is evolving and keeps changing to be smoother and more meaningful to me as I continue to say it.)

I can’t say that these words are necessarily restoring me at this point but I can safely say that they are helping me to see what I do and what I don’t have control over, and that I can change the things I do have control over, and find peace with the things I don’t. These words are helping me to be more self aware about how I spend my energy, and about who I am pouring that energy into and to take a moment to look at why. To be able to ask myself “What is the motive for why I am doing this?” It’s important for me to be motivated by love, an honest desire to help or give and to have pure intentions. If I am acting out of guilt, duty, or because it’s just easier, then I probably should be saying no. If I have already said no then I need to stand by that unless there is a valid reason to change my mind. And if I am giving because I am motivated by gain, I need to re-evaluate the cost. Is that gain equal to or greater than what I am giving away?

I hope this doesn’t sound selfish in any way, it’s not meant to. I am acting on the premise of self care. I have spent far too much of my life as a “giver”. I have given till I have been depleted and then not been able to give when and where I really felt I should because there was nothing left. This practice has left me sick, tired and resentful. It’s time to learn to act on the things I have learned and believe. Self care is essential to caring for others. The bible says “Love your neighbour as yourself”, I think that if that is the second out of only two commands the first being “love the lord your God with all your heart” then it’s pretty freaking important. So why are we are taught that self love is the sin of pride? (That, my friends, is another conversation for another time.)

Here’s to coming out clean, no matter how long or how strange the process may seem. 🙂


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I have been absent… but I am back – I think?

It’s been just over 2 weeks since my last post. This is abnormal for me. It is not like I been without the desire, but for whatever reason… many reasons… I have not posted. October has been a whirlwind, I have survived the birthday rush that October is: one turned 16 on the 10th, the other turned 14 on the 21st (I am now el-broko). I survived the Kitten invasion, barely. (Actually the weekend between the birthdays I had to be taken to the medical clinic. It was the first asthma attack I have had in many years.) and I have been left realizing I am not taking care of myself and I am feeling a wee bit Blase.

Perhaps part of my blues is caused by the actual onset of fall here. We have cold, damp, foggy nites and mornings. Yet we are still getting beautiful sunny afternoons that are relatively warm  – just a hint of autumn chill whenever you catch a breeze. I know a part of my problem is that holidays and birthdays are difficult, my ex does not seem to appreciate boundaries at the best of times and I am greatly lacking when it comes to laying them down in a straight forward and blunt manner – yet I really allow my feathers to get ruffled when he doesn’t respect my invisible boundaries. As soon as holidays and birthdays are involved he makes his presence felt, and I find myself reeling emotionally and physically. But I am not wishing to write about my ex today, not as a rant or otherwise.

I think perhaps I have been spending sometime internalizing and searching, and have come to the realization that I have been down for quite sometime. This in part comes down to my work situation, but only in part, I cannot blame my work for my lack of motivation or for my lack of self care. It contributes for sure, but in the end I am responsible for what I choose to do and not do. My choices are mine and mine alone. But they affect more than just me. They affect my whole being, inside and out, as well as my children and my relationship with them. I also find the farther I allow myself to slip the more reclusive and alone I become. This creates a vicious cycle. A cycle I must break and have no desire to be stuck in.

I am master and commander of this ship and I have allowed a mutiny to happen. Now I must regain control, and reset my course. I am thankful to say I have not fallen into any poor coping habits such as: drinking or self depreciation. I know better! But I have gotten soft & lazy, and my eating habits leave a bit to be desired. Other than my job I am lacking routine. I have never really been one for strict routine. I likely never will be. But when I am enjoying the place I am at I am eager to get going, I am organized, and I tend to fall into a rhythm of sorts. On the other hand when I am not happy with where I am, well… I could stay under the covers all day  – I believe that is called hiding. (I can be the queen of avoidance and procrastination when I choose to be.)

So I am pulling up my boot straps, dusting myself off and preparing for battle. It might be hard. Or I might be surprised and find it is so much easier than expected. I won’t know til I try though, right?

Switchfoot ~ Learning to Breathe

Switchfoot ~ Dare you to Move

 


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I’m Packing Up My Old Clothes…

This weekend is the Labour Day long weekend here in Canada, and it marks the ‘end’ of summer as this Tuesday the day after Labour Day marks the first day back to school for the new academic year. I feel like I have so much organizing to do this weekend. Not just for my kids but for myself as well. I really believe that 2013 for me and my family (mostly me) has been a year of endings, a year of wrapping things up, packing old boxes full of unwanted things and giving them away, it’s been a year of purging and cleansing. And for me 2014 marks a year of new beginnings. Where this comes from I don’t really know, I just feel it deep inside the deep dark spaces in my soul where there is peace and certainty even though everything around me is chaos.

There are so many things that I have wanted to accomplish for myself that as a parent (and a procrastinator) I keep putting aside. I spend so much time doing that which I don’t want to do in order to provide and take care of the things my kids need and in this process I somehow forget about myself – until of course I find myself frustrated and overwhelmed. This habit has to stop. Self care, self love is so important. How can I care for others if I am frazzled and burnt out? How can I give away clean untainted unconditional love if I have no idea what it looks like or feels like? I have to learn to make time for myself. And I have discovered that a huge part of this process is cleaning out my closets, both literal and proverbial. There are just so many things in those closets that I keep hanging on to for God knows what purpose even though they don’t fit any more, or perhaps they just are no longer who I am, they represent some-one that is no longer here. Keeping memories can be a precious and wonderful thing, hauling around a closet full of outdated crap – not so much.

So it is time to clean house and lighten the load. So I’m packing up my old clothes…

OLD CLOTHES – Randy Stonehill

TOYS FROM MY CHILDHOOD
OLD PHOTOGRAPHS
LEFT IN THIS DUSTY OLD SUITCASE
THE THINGS WE ONCE CHERISHED
ARE LOST WITH THE PAST
SEEK OUT THE TREASURE
THAT ALWAYS WILL LAST

Chorus:
SO I’M PACKING UP MY OLD CLOTHES
WITH MY OLD AND FOOLISH WAYS
THEY DON’T SEEM TO FIT ME ANY MORE
I SEE THE LIGHT OF MORNING
WITH DIFFERENT EYES TODAY
AND I’M GIVING MY TOMORROWS TO
THE LORD

SO MANY HEROES
THAT NEVER CAME THROUGH
TOO MANY ROADS GOING NOWHERE
AND JESUS WAS WHISPERING
“I STILL LOVE YOU”
AND WITH A LOVE THAT MAKES
ALL THINGS NEW

Chorus