Some truth about relationships

When it comes to relationships, the kind that we tend to dream of, we close our eyes and fantasize about love and attraction, holding hands, long walks on the beach, moonlit evenings by a fire, laughing, sharing secrets, steamy sex, and feelings of bliss and comfort. And those things are all amazing. Those are the things that make us shout:

 “I’m in love! I’m in love! and I don’t care who knows it!” Buddy the elf ~ Elf

Just like everybody else I long for those moments of bliss, and camaraderie. The joys of sharing all the wonderful times with some-one special. But I also want to be able to experience the tremulous moments of heated disagreement. Those moments when nothing is in control and you wonder if maybe you’re just a wee bit crazy. Why? Because if you can get through those moments and still feel safe and loved with that person you know you have a keeper. You know that this is a relationship that has the potential to make it; to become something beautiful.

“The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all.” ~ Mulan

How can you truly appreciate how wonderful and amazing your life/relationship is if you’ve never caught a glimpse of how hard it can be? It’s in those moments that you learn what you are made of. What your partner is made of. What your relationship is built on. Seriously the painful moments are the ones that really show you just what the wonderful moments are worth and just how precious they really are.

Are you able to argue without fighting dirty? Can you disagree and be OK with that? Does a bad mood permeate the air and make it toxic, or is something that you can talk out and work on together? Do the disagreements bring you closer? Or do they provide you with bricks to build walls with? (Or maybe to throw at one another?) I have been in that horrible toxic place before. It just keeps escalating. It becomes more and more torturous, and dangerous everyday. I didn’t just build walls of resentment I learned to build a fortified city that thrived on negative emotion. It was a horrible place to be. So much sadness, so much anger. I never want to be there again…

It’s because I have been in that bad place before that I know I don’t want relationship that never suffers moments of discourse. A relationship that is always ‘sunshine and roses’ is a lie. It cannot last. It is not possible to agree with someone 100% of the time, no matter how much you love eachother. And that’s OK. That is one thing I have learned. It’s not the disagreement that is unhealthy, it is the way we choose to deal with it, or not deal with it, that determines if it’s healthy or not.

Next time around I want to know that no matter what happens that I am safe, I am wanted, and I am loved.

a group of 4 & 5 yr olds were asked what is love? this was one of the answers…

An awesome cover of Haddaways “What is Love?”

Running Virus…

It has been a long time since I have suffered from so-called ‘running virus’, but I can feel it itching away at the soles of my feet. Causing a restlessness in my legs, that seems to be buried in my very bones. This infectious virus has absolutely nothing to do with jogging, New Year’s resolutions to get healthy or lose weight, or running marathons… in fact it isn’t about that kind of running at all. Some of you may associate it with the term ‘travel bug’.

This ‘running virus’ has hit me full force! It is tickling my ears with whispers and promises of distant elsewheres. When it comes and invades my blood stream I tend to get a bit edgy. My heart rate can become elevated, my mind will tend to wander, holding thoughts is suddenly hard. I get wistful and poetic, and have a far away look in my eyes. I feel as if my very soul is on fire… and nothing can make the burning stop except breathing in hot, dusty, spice laden air from distant lands.

I often try to escape via books when I feel the virus coming on. But they can only carry me so far. The accents, and languages want to dance across my tongue not just echo in my mind. I long to be caressed by the wind, while singing foreign lullabies, and eating strange intoxicating foods. I want explore and experience things that I have only imagined. I want to get lost in adventure. No hindrance, no fear holding me back, no ties keeping me still. “Soon” I whisper to myself, “just a little longer, soon enough”.

London ~ Big Ben

Turkey

The Eiffel Tower

Mediterranean beach

Greek village

Spice Vendor ~ Marrakesh Morocco

Russia

the Taj Mahal ~ India

Petra ~ Jordan

I want a life full of “I can’t I believe I actually did that! wow!” instead “I wish I had done that… Sigh…”

When I was young and foolish I traveled around BC quite a bit and even visited the Yukon, mid winter. But this is not what my heart longs for. Now don’t get me wrong BC is beautiful territory and should any of you ever get the chance I recommend getting lost here for awhile. I confess it was some of the most breath taking scenery around. Mountains, wildlife, oceans, big cities, and vast areas of nothing but forest… it’s all here. But this is my home territory, and so it seems to be the far away places that I find myself dreaming of.

Vancouver city lights

Sunset in Tofino, Vancouver Island

Kootney Black bear

Qualicum beach, Vancouver Island

Singing Pass, Whistler BC

Victoria BC – The Legislature and Inner Harbour

I am thinking that perhaps part of what has brought the virus on is re-establishing of my freedom via a car. Perhaps another contributing factor is that my one year anniversary in the townhouse I am in is coming up, or maybe it’s more due to the shift in weather, longer days, more sunshine  – I can feel spring once again around the corner. I can’t say for sure what is fueling this bout of running virus, but I am definitely burning up with it…

Stolen Love… trusting time…

I close my eyes and remember: I am staring at your lips as you speak. I am trying to hear the words you are saying. They are important words, guidance in a time of trouble and hurt. But all I seem to be able to focus on is your lips and the way they move while you speak. Staring at your perfect teeth. At the way your lips move over those teeth. At how soft they look. I can’t hear your words, only the deep rumble of your voice. It vibrates through my chest like a peaceful lullaby. Your lips are all there is, and my mind is screaming “kiss me! please kiss me… kiiissss mmmeeeeeeee…”

I yearn to feel their warmth pressed against mine. I long to feel, anything… it’s been so long since I have felt something besides exhaustion and resentment. I almost feel like your lips can bring me salvation. But I do not say “kiss me” out loud. Because I know you won’t. Because we have rules. Because I am married and in bad place and you have refused to take advantage of that, even though you know I would let you.

It is an unspoken rule to our friendship. No touching. Not even a handshake. Not a hug when I cry. NO TOUCHING. The temptation is too strong, the attraction runs too deep. The longer I know you, the more we speak, the deeper it seems to run, right down to my very soul. And the damage it would cause is far too real.

It would be stolen love. Stolen, even if freely offered and gladly received. Stolen things do not bring happiness. Stolen things do not endure. They cannot last. And so I try to focus on your words because I know what you are saying is for my benefit. You are sharing with me your heart, your soul, the painful wisdom gained through your own personal experience. So I look away, try to forget your lips and listen.

Time can feel like the enemy. But there is a time and a place for everything, and that was not the time. It was not our time. I wonder now what the future might hold. I wonder if now, all this time later, our self imposed rules can be broken. Now that I am free to offer more than just friendship, when now I can offer all of me, my heart, my body, my mind. Now that you are free to receive it, if that is what you want. I wonder if what I have held on to so tightly has any truth in it, or was it just a lie I created in my desperate need to be heard, to escape.

How can this work? Really, can this work? It was such a beautiful friendship, and no matter what we choose to do I want it to remain so. It was so carefully cultured over time, so much time. And then I just left. Without a word. I disappeared like an apparition in the mist. Goodbye would have been too hard. But you say you understand. You say that it was best that way, at that time. I am so uncertain. I am afraid. The cord that bound us together is still there. I feel it. But time has a way of changing things. So does distance. But I know that if we want it there is time to try.

Is this our time? Or am I still creating desperate lies… I must learn once again to trust.