myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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Oh 2015, what do you hold in store?

My New Year got off on kind of a bizarre note. I spent the 1st doing the usual, taking down the tree and chilling, knowing that back to work was looming in the background – which is pretty normal right? I spent most of the 2nd with my Eldest and then her family stayed the night and we had had a lovely dinner of East Indian food and once the wee-ones were in bed we played Settler’s of Catan. It was fun, again normal kind of stuff. On Sunday the 3rd we woke to a snow fall – not much just a few inches, but enough that I didn’t want to go out as I do not have snow tires. After my company had left I was lazing about in my pj’s, waiting for my ex to drop our youngest off at home. This is where bizarre decides to show up.

I thankfully had decided that perhaps I should shower and get dressed in actual clothes before he showed. Why thankfully? Well mostly because he didn’t. Instead I got a text that his van had broken down about half way between his place and mine, in Aldergrove. I live in Mission, he lives on the outskirts of Surrey. From my house to his is close to an hour with clear roads and minimal traffic. It was nearing rush hour and the roads were slushy as the snow had turned into a torrential downpour. We had rain, freezing rain and flood warnings on the weather network. Do any of you recall how I feel about driving in uncertain conditions? Well this was pretty much the queen mother of uncertain driving conditions.

Luckily his van broke down near a service station that was actually open. They had somewhere warm and dry to wait, and I had a definitive address to look up and get directions to. I had to force a very reluctant teenager to be my company and co-pilot, but she did concede and come with me, thank God! Anyways, the map said in good conditions it should be about a 25 minute drive to the service station, it took me a nerve wracking 45 minutes to get there. On the way I passed an ambulance attending to a crumpled truck that had spun out on the highway and was partway in the ditch. My daughter wanted to know why it was facing the wrong way for the traffic. I tried not to think about it. I went through numerous puddles that splashed up over the windshield and temporarily blinded me. One was so bad it made us shriek. The rain was pelting down so hard I was practically blind without all the puddle splashes. And even though it was only 4-ish it was completely black out. BUT I MADE IT IN ONE PIECE!!!!

Anyways, long weird story even longer and weirder… my ex and his girlfriend (Yes it’s not even a month and a half ago that he asked me to reconcile with him, but that is a whole other sordid tale) were going to get a cab to her house which is near Richmond the amount this would cost is beyond ridiculous. So me being the nice person that I am said I’d help them. I could have driven away laughing like any normal ex-wife would have done, but then I would have to live with myself, so I didn’t, instead I smiled and offered my help (all the while thinking to myself “seriously wtf are you doing?”). As I do not drive in Surrey or Richmond EVER I let my ex drive with all of us squished into my car – me, both my girls, my ex and his girlfriend – to his girlfriend’s house to get her car. We had a short pit-stop at Tim Horton’s for warm drinks and something to tide over growlie tummies. Then we all drove back towards my place till I was in an area I knew and could navigate my own way back home. I have to admit I do not miss his driving. He is an aggressive driver and I found myself screaming in my head “BRAKES! Why are you not pressing the brakes yet!?!?!” quite a few times. This whole excursion only took nearly 3 hours and 1/3 of a tank of gas. But I was safely home with both my girls, my first adventure of 2015 complete!

I know I had wanted 2015 to be a year of adventure, but this was not really what I had in mind. I certainly had not intended to spend my last day of holidays like that. And now I am wondering just what 2015 has in store for me…

So yeah, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!


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A detached & discouraged kind of day…

Today I went onto Pinterest for the first time in many months. I am surprised at the effect it has had on me. It has left me feeling wistful, edgy. I feel detached from life and like I am clawing at the edges of something, but I am not sure what that something is.

I am trying to analyze this and the closest to an “ah-ha” that I am getting is that I don’t desire to look at nifty pictures of far away places and cool projects. I want to go to these places, to get my hands dirty and do these projects. I am feeling like this lie that I am currently living is catching up with me and I am so very tired of it. I do not have any desire for going through the motions to make ends meet. I want to live. I want experience life, to experience all the cool stuff that excites me in this world.

Why aren’t I painting, drawing, writing, playing with clay, singing, playing the keyboard, strumming on a guitar (not very well but still), doing all things creative? Why am I not participating in my life?

Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled that I am finding courage and driving and going to places (close by places but going to them) but it’s feeling like it’s so not enough now. I want adventure, maybe even a small taste of danger. I want risk and excitement.

But I have kids that are counting on me. I have responsibilities. I keep telling myself be patient. Wait. Soon enough you can do and experience. But is that true? Is it really. Or am using the kids, and the responsibilities as an excuse to stay stuck? I feel trapped and frustrated, and I am seeing that there is a pattern here. That I seem to go through these emotions every few months. And each time I say “it’s time for change” and I get all excited, and then it fades, and I do nothing, and I put it all back on the shelf labelled “Someday”. But that just isn’t good enough.

I said: IT ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH! (It’s never been good enough, yet here I am once again) UGH! I need more! I am capable of more! I am worthy of more! I want more! But how? How do I make it happen? Am I the only one who feels this way? I can’t be the only one.