myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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A detached & discouraged kind of day…

Today I went onto Pinterest for the first time in many months. I am surprised at the effect it has had on me. It has left me feeling wistful, edgy. I feel detached from life and like I am clawing at the edges of something, but I am not sure what that something is.

I am trying to analyze this and the closest to an “ah-ha” that I am getting is that I don’t desire to look at nifty pictures of far away places and cool projects. I want to go to these places, to get my hands dirty and do these projects. I am feeling like this lie that I am currently living is catching up with me and I am so very tired of it. I do not have any desire for going through the motions to make ends meet. I want to live. I want experience life, to experience all the cool stuff that excites me in this world.

Why aren’t I painting, drawing, writing, playing with clay, singing, playing the keyboard, strumming on a guitar (not very well but still), doing all things creative? Why am I not participating in my life?

Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled that I am finding courage and driving and going to places (close by places but going to them) but it’s feeling like it’s so not enough now. I want adventure, maybe even a small taste of danger. I want risk and excitement.

But I have kids that are counting on me. I have responsibilities. I keep telling myself be patient. Wait. Soon enough you can do and experience. But is that true? Is it really. Or am using the kids, and the responsibilities as an excuse to stay stuck? I feel trapped and frustrated, and I am seeing that there is a pattern here. That I seem to go through these emotions every few months. And each time I say “it’s time for change” and I get all excited, and then it fades, and I do nothing, and I put it all back on the shelf labelled “Someday”. But that just isn’t good enough.

I said: IT ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH! (It’s never been good enough, yet here I am once again) UGH! I need more! I am capable of more! I am worthy of more! I want more! But how? How do I make it happen? Am I the only one who feels this way? I can’t be the only one.


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Days 66 & 67 – Let’s talk about sex… or, uummmm, maybe not…

This has been on my mind a lot the last few days. What? Yes I am saying sex has been on my mind – a lot lately, but more so has been the issue that people don’t, won’t and can’t seem to talk about it.

My bloggy friend Merbear, you can visit her over at Knocked over by a Feather, has written many little quips about sex and other related ‘no-no’s’ under the category of ‘Taboo Topics’ and apparently she received some flack for her latest taboo, oral sex. I think it’s crazy. She is  always most usually tactful and puts a fun humorous spin on it to relieve the heavy of speaking about naughty bits and the things people do with them .

Personally I think that if we were to be honest, perfectly honest, and if we were to share the thoughts that swirl around in our heads, most of us would shock those around us. How can people get in a tither over some-one mentioning things that they have most likely done plenty of times before, or even worsefantasized about.

It seems that people (primarily North American, White Anglo Saxon/European descendants, who are of course generally the Christian middle class) have a bee in their bonnet when it comes to being honest about sex. Most of these same prudish individuals do partake in actual sexual behaviour. They must – they are married with children.

I look at other cultures where expressing yourself sexually is normal and acceptable, and wonder what’s wrong with us. India has the Kama Sutra – basically considered the ‘bible’ of sexual expression and position. Or Japan which has sex museums and the Kanamara Matsuri: The Penis Festival (literally Festival of the Steel Phallus) with penis shaped carvings, popsicles, key chains, pipes, candles, you name it, all for sale during the festival; they even have parades in honour of the manly phallus.

So why are we so uptight? Maybe we could should all go back to sleeping in separate beds fully clothed and meet each Wednesday evening for a quick romp, unless of course we have a headache, just to keep the marriage valid. I kid, yet in all honesty I have a hard time with expressing myself sexually and I don’t get why. I never used to. Now I make the entire room feel awkward if a make-out scene happens in a PG13 rated movie. What happened to the free spirit I once was? That seems so long ago now it feels like her life is built on some-one else’s memories.

OK I am going to get personal here; something I have a hard time with. Most of my readers know as I have previously shared about my trust issues that I do not like to share the deep intimate stuff, so I am going out on a limb and taking a chance. I have a gentleman friend that I have known for a long time. He and I connect ever now and then but mostly we text, and occasionally sext. He is one of the most forward and up front people I have ever met. If he’s thinking it he tells me. He makes me blush – often. I on the other hand am just a wee bit more reserved and pensive when it comes to sharing my dirty little secrets and private thoughts (you can read the word private in more than one context there). Anyways I am learning to take it in stride and actually find it kind of refreshing. There are no games, no guessing just honesty – frank, up front, honesty. (I must admit there have been a few moments where I nearly sprayed coffee out my nose as I have read a message coming in, but…)

But truthfully A part of me wants the freedom to be able to express myself like that. To know that it is safe to just say whatever I am feeling, thinking, wanting etc. And yet a part of me is, well, mortified at the mere thought. It’s those nasty trust issues again. It’s the fear that my honesty will later be used against me, used to shame and manipulate me. Or maybe that a thought will now be forced – “well you did think it, say it, express it, or imply it” or even harder – “you tried it once so…”. I know I can trust this person, yet a part of me is so protective, so secretive and guarded; it is just so hard to let go.

So you know, let’s talk about sex… or, uummmm, maybe not….


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Day 9 – Bye, Bye Miss American Pie…

Today I am bored and am listening to music on 8tracks that I have not listened to in many years; Nick Drake, Crosby Stills & Nash, Cat Stevens, James Taylor and more. I love music. I love the emotions and memories that music invokes. I love that music can pump you up, or calm you down. That it can help you to embrace your emotions and help define them at times when words seem to fail.

music-speaks

I think it is amazing what music can do. I can close my eyes and be transported to other places. I can find strength when I am exhausted. I can find solace when my heart is breaking. I can find answers through the lyrics and inner peace through the instruments. Music can also fill me with anxiety, raw emotion and anger – which is why I do not listen to heavy metal or screamo, and generally avoid rap. Angry music = angry emotions. Calming music = peaceful feelings.

I guess what I’m saying is I am thankful for music and it’s great variety.

Oh… Don McLean – American Pie… so glad the music will never die, as long as I can keep it in my heart & head it can’t 🙂