When it comes to relationships, the kind that we tend to dream of, we close our eyes and fantasize about love and attraction, holding hands, long walks on the beach, moonlit evenings by a fire, laughing, sharing secrets, steamy sex, and feelings of bliss and comfort. And those things are all amazing. Those are the things that make us shout:
“I’m in love! I’m in love! and I don’t care who knows it!” Buddy the elf ~ Elf
Just like everybody else I long for those moments of bliss, and camaraderie. The joys of sharing all the wonderful times with some-one special. But I also want to be able to experience the tremulous moments of heated disagreement. Those moments when nothing is in control and you wonder if maybe you’re just a wee bit crazy. Why? Because if you can get through those moments and still feel safe and loved with that person you know you have a keeper. You know that this is a relationship that has the potential to make it; to become something beautiful.
“The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all.” ~ Mulan
How can you truly appreciate how wonderful and amazing your life/relationship is if you’ve never caught a glimpse of how hard it can be? It’s in those moments that you learn what you are made of. What your partner is made of. What your relationship is built on. Seriously the painful moments are the ones that really show you just what the wonderful moments are worth and just how precious they really are.
Are you able to argue without fighting dirty? Can you disagree and be OK with that? Does a bad mood permeate the air and make it toxic, or is something that you can talk out and work on together? Do the disagreements bring you closer? Or do they provide you with bricks to build walls with? (Or maybe to throw at one another?) I have been in that horrible toxic place before. It just keeps escalating. It becomes more and more torturous, and dangerous everyday. I didn’t just build walls of resentment I learned to build a fortified city that thrived on negative emotion. It was a horrible place to be. So much sadness, so much anger. I never want to be there again…
It’s because I have been in that bad place before that I know I don’t want relationship that never suffers moments of discourse. A relationship that is always ‘sunshine and roses’ is a lie. It cannot last. It is not possible to agree with someone 100% of the time, no matter how much you love eachother. And that’s OK. That is one thing I have learned. It’s not the disagreement that is unhealthy, it is the way we choose to deal with it, or not deal with it, that determines if it’s healthy or not.
Next time around I want to know that no matter what happens that I am safe, I am wanted, and I am loved.
An awesome cover of Haddaways “What is Love?”