myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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You feel so Comfortable…

Comfortable

You feel so comfortable
I put you on like a favourite sweater
pulling you tight around me.

I breathe you in
and like air you sustain me
your scent lingering upon my skin.

I hear your voice
whispering my name in my ear
How I wish you were here.

Some days I am a hopeless romantic. I can’t seem to get my head out of the clouds and I feel like I am drowning in a sea of sickeningly sweet aromas of love and peace and all things nauseatingly beautiful. But there is always this small, nasty voice in my head ready to destroy my visions, telling me to be realistic. Filling me with anticipation and worry. Spewing all the negative what-ifs and filling my guts with dread. I am telling that voice, no matter how small & quiet it may be, to SHUT-UP and BACK-OFF! I want to enjoy this. Regardless of where it goes. If it goes anywhere at all. It’s not the point. The point right here, right now, in this moment and time, is not the destination it is the moment itself. And I want to get absolutely lost in this moment. I want it to last as long as it possibly can. (Whether it’s a mere moment or the rest of my life) I want to feel this with all of my being. To embrace the exhilaration of positive “what ifs”. To jump in and bathe in the luxurious feeling of maybe.

Maybe… it holds all the magic of a faerie tale. I am tired of being cynical. I am tired of holding myself at bay. I am ready to greet the impossible and hold hands with maybe. I am ready…

Besides I have nothing to lose. The worst that happens is a long term friendship has been reunited. The best, well the best is a lifetime love affair with a good friend. I can’t find the loss in this equation? We win either way…


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Stolen Love… trusting time…

I close my eyes and remember: I am staring at your lips as you speak. I am trying to hear the words you are saying. They are important words, guidance in a time of trouble and hurt. But all I seem to be able to focus on is your lips and the way they move while you speak. Staring at your perfect teeth. At the way your lips move over those teeth. At how soft they look. I can’t hear your words, only the deep rumble of your voice. It vibrates through my chest like a peaceful lullaby. Your lips are all there is, and my mind is screaming “kiss me! please kiss me… kiiissss mmmeeeeeeee…”

I yearn to feel their warmth pressed against mine. I long to feel, anything… it’s been so long since I have felt something besides exhaustion and resentment. I almost feel like your lips can bring me salvation. But I do not say “kiss me” out loud. Because I know you won’t. Because we have rules. Because I am married and in bad place and you have refused to take advantage of that, even though you know I would let you.

It is an unspoken rule to our friendship. No touching. Not even a handshake. Not a hug when I cry. NO TOUCHING. The temptation is too strong, the attraction runs too deep. The longer I know you, the more we speak, the deeper it seems to run, right down to my very soul. And the damage it would cause is far too real.

It would be stolen love. Stolen, even if freely offered and gladly received. Stolen things do not bring happiness. Stolen things do not endure. They cannot last. And so I try to focus on your words because I know what you are saying is for my benefit. You are sharing with me your heart, your soul, the painful wisdom gained through your own personal experience. So I look away, try to forget your lips and listen.

Time can feel like the enemy. But there is a time and a place for everything, and that was not the time. It was not our time. I wonder now what tinvisble-red-threadhe future might hold. I wonder if now, all this time later, our self imposed rules can be broken. Now that I am free to offer more than just friendship, when now I can offer all of me, my heart, my body, my mind. Now that you are free to receive it, if that is what you want. I wonder if what I have held on to so tightly has any truth in it, or was it just a lie I created in my desperate need to be heard, to escape.

How can this work? Really, can this work? It was such a beautiful friendship, and no matter what we choose to do I want it to remain so. It was so carefully cultured over time, so much time. And then I just left. Without a word. I disappeared like an apparition in the mist. Goodbye would have been too hard. But you say you understand. You say that it was best that way, at that time. I am so uncertain. I am afraid. The cord that bound us together is still there. I feel it. But time has a way of changing things. So does distance. But I know that if we want it there is time to try.

Is this our time? Or am I still creating desperate lies… I must learn once again to trust.


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For my dear friend… I shall go TEAL!

OV CancerI have changed my colours to TEAL in support of my dear friend Irish Katie

Cancer sucks! What else is there to say?

fightlikeagirlThis is her special logo… Fight like a girl

She is a warrior! and a hero in my eyes.

Fight Like a Girl and Win

Why? no-one knows
it doesn’t make it easier
it leaves us bewildered and confused
Those who love suffer silently
wishing there was more
that we could do

Why? no-one knows
it doesn’t make it easier
when does sadness end?
are there answers
when can we release our breath
and breathe again?

Why? no one knows
it doesn’t make it easier
you have touched so many
who love you so dearly
think of you, pray for you
feeling helpless we watch and wait

Why? no one knows
it doesn’t make it easier
can you feel us with you
hear whispered support
gain strength from love
so you can ‘fight like a girl’
and win!

I love you Katie! *HUGZ*