it’s time for change…

September 19, 2012 by My Spoken Heart - Andrea Crowell 12 Comments

I am thinking it may be time for change, for true and serious change. Parts of my life are stagnant and I may be suffocating in a state of pure boredom. I need to gather myself and pull my wits together, to analyze and reassess what is important and what needs to change in order for me to be happier, and more alive! I will admit that is why this blog was born, but it’s not enough I need more. The changes need to be drastic. And I am afraid. (Change can be scary you know)

You may ask, what brought this on? Well it’s rather simple I’m afraid I was having  a fairly normal conversation with a friend of mine when she wrote something that set me reeling. She wrote something that struck horror into my heart. I had to stop and reread her sentence three times just to digest it.  She stated matter-of-factually that her creative side doesn’t exist anymore.

What? Pardon me? I must have read that wrong…

I have to admit that her statement made me feel panicky… teary eyed… like I had just been delivered traumatic news… I think her saying that some-one had died may have hit me with less impact… I actually felt borderline nauseous… I seriously think I would truly rather die than have that happen, I also realize that, that statement  may be just a wee bit drastic…

But in all seriousness I can’t even imagine being able to calmly,  matter-of-factually state that I had allowed a part of me to become extinct. Or worse that it had happened slowly and quietly without me  even noticing till it was too late. I know that right now my creative side is feeling a bit anorexic at best and  on the verge of starving at worst, and my logical side is pretty much bored to tears, but to actually have a  part of yourself stop existing? Can you imagine? What could cause such a thing? How does a part of your personality get sucked away until you can barely remember it?

I cannot, will not allow myself to fall into this situation… (especially being that my creative side is the stronger of the two)…  how tragic. I have experienced lows in my life where my creativity has suffered and I have been ‘numb’, but I have never felt it fading away. Creativity may ebb and flow in my life, going through seasons of bounty and seasons of drought but never, never shall it disappear. I may as well cut my heart out. Experience a right brain lobotomy. I am in such a state of shock and horror. Some of you may feel I am over reacting; and maybe I am, but the whole idea still upsets me.

And so perhaps this is the kick in the pants I need to motivate myself to move it! A wake-up call that I didn’t request, but will initiate the changes that have been such a long time in coming.