myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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Forget Storage… throw that sh*t out!!!

“Yeah but you don’t really forget when you hide it. It’s just…in storage.”

A friend of mine said this to me a few days back and I just can’t seem to shake it. The words dig down so deeply, and resonate with such truth, at least for me they do. I suppose for them to make sense to you, you may need some background information. You see we were talking about past relationships, you know romantic/love relationships. Both of us share sordid pasts, and were discussing how those pasts have affected our relationships. I mentioned that before I had gotten married I had laid all my cards on the table, you know so I could start with a “clean” slate, this is something I am pretty sure I will never do again…

Why would some-one who professes to love you use your own experiences against you to cut so deeply? Why would they take your secrets, deep dark secrets, that you have entrusted them with as a sign of your love and trust for them and use them against you, as a means to control you? As we were discussing this some icky dark words filled with so much hurt, shame and pain came out of the dark recesses of my past… BAM! Like a slap in my face as fresh as the day they were first spewed at me. Once they came forth my heart bled and I cried.

That’s when I confessed that I have taken all the pain, all the hurtful abusive words and experiences wrapped them up and hidden them from view. Pushed it all aside in an attempt to forget about it. I am not really sure who I am trying to protect by hiding it, myself – my pride, my kids, possibly even my ex. And there came her words of wisdom…

“Yeah but you don’t really forget when you hide it. It’s just…in storage.”

In storage… I had to think about that. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true. The funny thing about burying the past, you pretend it’s been dealt with, but it hasn’t been. Putting it in storage is a way of keeping it, but not necessarily using it. It’s been packed away, never really forgotten, certainly not let go of. But in order to truly move it on it has to be thrown away. Putting it in storage is like saving it just in case you may need it one day. You know that box of keepsakes that is kept in the closet, never opened, but never forgotten, and for some reason we just can’t seem to part with the stuff in the box. But why would I choose to keep painful, heartbreaking, bitter memories that crush my spirit? Perhaps deep down I believe it? Perhaps I feel I have to own it to protect myself from going there again? I am not really sure but I am exploring and trying to understand.

It’s amazing how we can convince ourselves we have dealt with something when in reality we just stored it to be dealt with some other day.


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Days 74 & 75 – Reinventing myself…

The other day I had a thought. A profound thought. An amazing thought. A true Ah-ha moment! I would even go so far as to say it may have been an epiphany. I know, I know just spit it out already, right! OK, OK… sheesh

I realized that I have been stuck in a rut. A rut of negative thoughts and negative self talk. That I have living with a box around myself. I have told myself that I must conform to the limitations of that box. And then – here’s the good part… Then it dawned on me that the only one limiting me is, well… me. I came to the grand realization that I am living in a town where I know very few people, I am ‘seeing’ a guy that is still getting to know me. Which means that I can be whoever I chose to be. I can decide right now, right here in this present moment who I want to be. I can choose what I want my style to be. Not what I have been told is flattering, or acceptable or that others are accustomed too. I am not limited to what I am afraid other people will think. Who cares? I don’t know these people. I can be whatever, whoever and however I WANT to be, however I CHOOSE – I am only bound by two limitations: 1) The false limitations that I allow myself to accept, and of course 2) the real limitation of staying true to myself. There is no point in lying about who I really am, you know the person I am at my very core. Lying about that would be counter productive. (isn’t that what I have been doing all this time? I have been lying and hiding for fear of getting hurt)

Therefore I must remain true to my heart. I have played the ‘fake’ game before and it sucked. In the end it hurt me far more than sharing the painful truth of where I was at the time would have. But I am not there any more and there is no reason for ‘Sunday smiles’ and false ‘I’m fines’. I am a free spirit. I am in love with love. I long for REAL, I long for excitement, adventure, romance, connection, spiritual encounters, stormy nites, sunny days, dancing in the pouring rain, singing out loud in public places, acting foolish, being wise, I LONG FOR LIFE! I LONG TO TRULY LIVE! I am so tired of drudging. Merely existing. It isn’t enough. It just isn’t good enough!! I need more, crave more, must have more and the only one holding me back is me!

So I am reinventing me… a free me. A true me. The real me is removing her mask and stepping out of the shadows. I have been too afraid of what others may think, living under the shadow of my ex and his influence for far too long and I am done with it. So I shall embrace the child within, I will accept that I am not perfect, I will challenge myself to do things that scare me. To actually say what’s on my mind, because I can be funny, I can be sexy & flirty, and I can be smart. I am challenging myself to wear that outfit that I think is amazing but have been too afraid that it would be too bold, or too sexy, or too young, or too polished or whatever limitation I gave it before. I can be more than one thing too. I do not have to be the tomboy, the girl who doesn’t wear dresses, or the one who is reserved and quiet in the corner. No, I am more, far more. I am those things, yet I can also be the girl who does wear dresses and speaks her mind, and laughs too loud and sometimes says inappropriate things and doesn’t care. I have something to offer and can one day be the tomboy in jeans and hiking boots and a week later the classy lady in heels and a clingy dress attending a play. It isn’t up to any one else any more, it is up to me now.

Yes it is up to me and I am reinventing myself…