myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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Creativity, boundaries and my left brain – right brain struggles…

I have not written an official post in over a month. Why? I can’t really say. It’s not for lack of wanting to. And yet I just haven’t posted. I’ve had some ideas here and there but usually by the time I get to a computer and have the opportunity to write I can’t remember what these great ideas were. I have gotten thru the busy time of year for me. 2 teenaged girl birthdays in a span of 11 days and Thanksgiving weekend nestled in with them. But I don’t think that is the problem either, hectic maybe but not the problem. I would love to say that I have not written because I have been far too busy in the throws of love, enraptured in some glorious affair with a man who adores me and spoils me rotten, but alas that is but a mere fantasy… sigh. Truthfully I have just been unmotivated, and perhaps a bit blah. I do not want to use this place as a journal, or as a place to ‘bitch n moan’. This blog was created as a means to express my creativity, and for expressing my opinions and ideas.

It is not only my writing that has taken a back seat lately either, I have not been reading, drawing, colouring, singing, cooking/baking nothing creative I’m afraid. So yesterday I sat myself down and spent roughly 30 minutes playing with clay. I made an abstract bunny, base don something I saw on pinterest, and a calla lily (which my daughter informed me looked very phallic – my response of course was to be very mature and call her a perv). I have determined that once the clay is dry I will paint/colour them. I really need to commit to doing something creative each week, for my own sanity. One guaranteed thing a week is not a far stretch, it’s doable, and I believe it has the potential to grow from there once a pattern is set.

In all honesty I have been doing things to appease my more logical side, I have been acting like a left brainer. Doing Sudukos, and playing various versions of solitaire, and puzzle challenges. It’s like my brain has been needing exercise. I am working on things that are hard for me. Things that need discipline and logical clear thought. I have written about my need for boundaries before, and at the time was all hyped up and emotional about how I would be practicing expressing my true feelings and actually doing something about boundaries, but alas it was that creative emotional right brained bullshit that I get so ensared in, and then it withered, as it always does, and I was left with a mess that I hid under the rug rather than cleaning up. I have realized that this is my pattern, my very unhealthy and unproductive pattern. I need to stop being so damned nice because in reality it isn’t nice at all, it’s just being a wimpy weiner and an asshole. I am robbing myself of peace – which ripples to the kids and into other areas of my life. And it is not being true to how I am really feeling, which in turn is stringing people along with false impressions of what is going on.

I have my fingers crossed that I can exercise some discipline, buckle down and do what I need to do on a continuous and consistent level. It will be hard at first, but I do know that it will be worth it and effect other areas of my life positively.


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and now for something different….

Today I have decided to post some art work… two different pieces with Lions:

Lion Cub

Lion Cub – revision
playing with shading and texture

The Lion – a progression
the right side is the beginning rough in,
the left is how far I am now…

I may post the completed picture when and if I ever get there…

This artwork is the property of MySpokenHeart, and its creator Andrea C.
please do not replicate or re-post without permission. Thank-you.


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it’s time for change…

I am thinking it may be time for change, for true and serious change. Parts of my life are stagnant and I may be suffocating in a state of pure boredom. I need to gather myself and pull my wits together, to analyze and reassess what is important and what needs to change in order for me to be happier, and more alive! I will admit that is why this blog was born, but it’s not enough I need more. The changes need to be drastic. And I am afraid. (Change can be scary you know)

You may ask, what brought this on? Well it’s rather simple I’m afraid I was having  a fairly normal conversation with a friend of mine when she wrote something that set me reeling. She wrote something that struck horror into my heart. I had to stop and reread her sentence three times just to digest it.  She stated matter-of-factually that her creative side doesn’t exist anymore.

What? Pardon me? I must have read that wrong…

I have to admit that her statement made me feel panicky… teary eyed… like I had just been delivered traumatic news… I think her saying that some-one had died may have hit me with less impact… I actually felt borderline nauseous… I seriously think I would truly rather die than have that happen, I also realize that, that statement  may be just a wee bit drastic…

But in all seriousness I can’t even imagine being able to calmly,  matter-of-factually state that I had allowed a part of me to become extinct. Or worse that it had happened slowly and quietly without me  even noticing till it was too late. I know that right now my creative side is feeling a bit anorexic at best and  on the verge of starving at worst, and my logical side is pretty much bored to tears, but to actually have a  part of yourself stop existing? Can you imagine? What could cause such a thing? How does a part of your personality get sucked away until you can barely remember it?

I cannot, will not allow myself to fall into this situation… (especially being that my creative side is the stronger of the two)…  how tragic. I have experienced lows in my life where my creativity has suffered and I have been ‘numb’, but I have never felt it fading away. Creativity may ebb and flow in my life, going through seasons of bounty and seasons of drought but never, never shall it disappear. I may as well cut my heart out. Experience a right brain lobotomy. I am in such a state of shock and horror. Some of you may feel I am over reacting; and maybe I am, but the whole idea still upsets me.

And so perhaps this is the kick in the pants I need to motivate myself to move it! A wake-up call that I didn’t request, but will initiate the changes that have been such a long time in coming.