musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours



I Need to SHINE!!!

I have been absent for quite sometime. Longer than I’m probably aware, the days have all been just a blur to me and I am still in shock that it’s already October. I would love to be able to tell you all that it’s because I found some amazing job and have been so busy I just lost track of time; or I could tell you that I have been diligently pounding the pavement searching for work and that the economy is just so bad I can’t find one. But either way that would be a lie. I have actually been rather lax in the job hunt, don’t get me wrong I need a job, but I just can’t bring myself to apply for another soul sucker, no matter how much it pays.

I have had so much weird and crazy stuff happen all at once in my life that I am grateful I wasn’t working, I probably would have had a complete meltdown if I’d had to actually fo to work through it all. My town had a bank robbery and hostage taking roughly a month and a half ago, the hostage was my daughter’s boyfriend’s mother, it hit far too close for comfort I’m afraid. My youngest went to go visit her brother and father in the neighbouring province – she’s been gone over a month now and isn’t sure when she is gonna head back, but she is coming back. My eldest gave her notice and then could not find a place, her landlady said no worries just let me know and you can stay here longer if needed. So she took a place that would have required her to stay an extra 2 weeks at her old place – of course by then the landlady changed her mind so I had my Daughter’s family stay at my place (2 adults, 3 kids, 2 cats and 3 guinea pigs – which I am allergic to all the pets) It was insane. So I deserted ship and went to visit a friend for a week which was amazing. All of this occurred the end of August/beginning of September. All is quite around here now, thankfully, but still I can’t seem to push myself I just keep procrastinating…

So what have I been doing since everything has calmed down? A lot of soul searching, a lot of both mental and physical purging. I’ve been preparing for major change, I’m not really sure what that change is just yet but I know it’s coming and I know it’s gonna be big.

What have I learned through my soul searching? I’ve learned tat there is still a lot of fear deep down inside me. I’ve learned that I have been unhappy for a very long time. Not that I haven’t had happy moments, or things to be happy for, but deep down there has been a stillness. I have realized that I need to do more for myself on a consistent level, not this weird haphazard way I tend to do things. I’ve realized that I am happiest when I have someone to do for (not meaning a relationship, but yes it could be). I need to do something big and important (at least something I see as important). I’ve learned that I need to shine. I want to shine. I have learned that in order to shine I need to be happy, and yet in order to be happy I have to be shining. I can’t have one without the other.

What is shining? It’s doing the things that illuminate my heart and make my life feel worth something. It’s achieved through so many things, being creative, expressing myself, being near people who care, doing things for others – things that matter, having others be interested in me. That last one is a weird one for me. I never realized how much of my self worth rests in knowing others have an interest in me. I’m not talking sexual desire (although that’s nice too) but rather just as I am interested in people and want to be around them and help them, people are interested in me and want to be around me and help me too.

So I’m working things out slowly. It’s a never ending process I’m afraid. Change is hard, acknowledging a need for change is hard. Life is hard. But I NEED to SHINE. And change is the ony way I can achieve that.

So shine on you crazy diamond, SHINE!!!

Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there’s a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the cross fire of childhood and stardom,
Blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter, come on you stranger,
You legend, you martyr, and shine!

You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
Rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions, come on you painter,
You piper, you prisoner, and shine!

Nobody knows where you are, how near or how far.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Pile on many more layers and I’ll be joining you there.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
And we’ll bask in the shadow of yesterday’s triumph,
And sail on the steel breeze.
Come on you boy child, you winner and loser,
Come on you miner for truth and delusion, and shine!


A doozy of a week…

I have been absent for the past week. I haven’t actually been absent as I’ve been reading, liking and commenting but I have not posted. I had planned on it but last week was a bit of a doozy. My daughter, 17, applied to attend the local college. She doesn’t know what she wants to do “when she grows up” and so she has decided to take hairdressing now as she will always be able to use those skills and it’s a great way to pay her way through university when and if she decides that is the route she wants to go. Anyways we paid her registration fees on Thursday the 9th. I got laid off on Friday the 10th.

ngbbs544433ee732c6It had been a usual day, my co-worker D (who only works part time) had left for the day and as my other coworker M had taken a holiday day I was the only one in the office besides the boss. About 15 – 20 minutes after D was gone he walked up to my desk and bluntly informed me that I was being laid off due to a shortage of work. I’ve been there 4 years coming up on 5 this September. Things were slow, but no slower than they had been in the past. Truth be known there had been tension between the 2 of us from day one (he was hired 2 months after I started with the company). To put it bluntly he rubbed me the wrong way… but I was always amicable. Regardless it was well known by me, M and D that he did not overly like me… needless to say I was “shocked, and  yet not surprised”, which I told him.


Sometimes life is like a bathroom without any toilet paper…

Marcus over at It’s my Blog, Innit! nailed the routine work experience in his post ‘Embrace the Authentic You‘. The post is about work politics and how we often are not free to truly be ourselves in our work environment. I have lived that for the past 4 years and it was a very slow form of torture as my life, my energy and enthusiasm were slowly sucked away. At any rate I have been doing OK, and as weird as it may be I in many ways feel relieved. However I now have to get serious about finding another job.

A few days ago Becoming Minimalist shared a post on Facebook ‘12 Factors to Look for in a Job Other Than a Paycheck‘. The timing was absolutely perfect and it has been very inspiring for me. It has helped me put things in perspective so that I do not take any job just for the sake of having a job, and end up in another soul sucking conundrum.

41C8BE9TH2L._SS500_I have applied for E.I. (Employment Insurance) so that I won’t be left with no money, but it will be fraction of what I had before which was already just barely enough to live on, and the process can take weeks before you actually see any money. So I must admit that yes a part of me has been on the verge of panic mode. At least I got severance pay. It wasn’t much but if I’m careful…

I had made plans to take holidays the last week of July, I was going to go visit a friend for a few days – have some child free girl time (the same friend I went to OneRepublic with back in May). I was going to take 15 shopping for new clothes and go to Squamish for a day, and was thinking if I had enough money maybe I’d take the girls to Kamloops for a weekend and they could meet some of my family. All of those plans have vanished like mist. I need to watch every penny.

At the moment much reassessment is going on in my little world. So I apologize in advance if I’m not around too much in the next few weeks. But I will try to post and will definitely be reading, liking and commenting…