“Yeah but you don’t really forget when you hide it. It’s just…in storage.”
A friend of mine said this to me a few days back and I just can’t seem to shake it. The words dig down so deeply, and resonate with such truth, at least for me they do. I suppose for them to make sense to you, you may need some background information. You see we were talking about past relationships, you know romantic/love relationships. Both of us share sordid pasts, and were discussing how those pasts have affected our relationships. I mentioned that before I had gotten married I had laid all my cards on the table, you know so I could start with a “clean” slate, this is something I am pretty sure I will never do again…
Why would some-one who professes to love you use your own experiences against you to cut so deeply? Why would they take your secrets, deep dark secrets, that you have entrusted them with as a sign of your love and trust for them and use them against you, as a means to control you? As we were discussing this some icky dark words filled with so much hurt, shame and pain came out of the dark recesses of my past… BAM! Like a slap in my face as fresh as the day they were first spewed at me. Once they came forth my heart bled and I cried.
That’s when I confessed that I have taken all the pain, all the hurtful abusive words and experiences wrapped them up and hidden them from view. Pushed it all aside in an attempt to forget about it. I am not really sure who I am trying to protect by hiding it, myself – my pride, my kids, possibly even my ex. And there came her words of wisdom…
“Yeah but you don’t really forget when you hide it. It’s just…in storage.”
In storage… I had to think about that. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true. The funny thing about burying the past, you pretend it’s been dealt with, but it hasn’t been. Putting it in storage is a way of keeping it, but not necessarily using it. It’s been packed away, never really forgotten, certainly not let go of. But in order to truly move it on it has to be thrown away. Putting it in storage is like saving it just in case you may need it one day. You know that box of keepsakes that is kept in the closet, never opened, but never forgotten, and for some reason we just can’t seem to part with the stuff in the box. But why would I choose to keep painful, heartbreaking, bitter memories that crush my spirit? Perhaps deep down I believe it? Perhaps I feel I have to own it to protect myself from going there again? I am not really sure but I am exploring and trying to understand.
It’s amazing how we can convince ourselves we have dealt with something when in reality we just stored it to be dealt with some other day.
myspokenheart 
September 23, 2014 at 9:32 pm
yesterday
~
never enough room
for stacked boxes
LikeLike
September 11, 2014 at 1:08 pm
Yes, excellent term. Unfortunately, too many things in storage and this post makes me question, why?
LikeLike
September 11, 2014 at 1:14 pm
I dunno… that’s what I’m wondering. I think some of it I really thought was dealt with, and maybe at the time it was to the best of my ability, but now I’m thinking I need to do a deep cleaning.
Sometimes I suppose avoidance may feel like we’re letting it go, but in reality not so much…
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 11, 2014 at 12:10 pm
Sometimes in relationships, you have to hold back a piece of yourself FOR yourself. It doesn’t mean you’re not being honest, it means you know your own worth and value and it’s not based solely on another person.
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 11, 2014 at 12:14 pm
Exactly… I was young when we met and felt that holding back wasn’t being true. But now I understand that some experiences are mine (I need to be true to myself), and I have learned from them, I can share the lesson if I so choose but I don’t need to share the details.
LikeLike
September 11, 2014 at 8:17 pm
I’ve always been super private, even in relationships. I don’t think anyone needs to know every single think I think and/or feel.
We all live and grow, and become better people (hopefully). The important thing in life is that we learn the lessons we’re supposed to for our own personal growth and we develop the ability to leave hurtful bastards in the wind.
LikeLike
September 12, 2014 at 2:04 pm
Yes I like to keep parts of me to me. And while most of us grow and become better people, other just learn to play the “look at how much I have changed” game, putting on a good and pleasant face when they want/need something meanwhile they are just the same hurtful bastard they’ve always been.
…so yes let fly in the wind like the useless chaff they are.
LikeLike
September 12, 2014 at 3:33 pm
I agree. Anytime someone has to go on and on about how much they’ve changed, they’re simply hiding their knives better, waiting for the right opportunity to stab you in the back. Simply put, some people simply aren’t healthy to be in a relationship with. If they’re able to fool someone else, more’s the pity!
LikeLike