myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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Forget Storage… throw that sh*t out!!!

“Yeah but you don’t really forget when you hide it. It’s just…in storage.”

A friend of mine said this to me a few days back and I just can’t seem to shake it. The words dig down so deeply, and resonate with such truth, at least for me they do. I suppose for them to make sense to you, you may need some background information. You see we were talking about past relationships, you know romantic/love relationships. Both of us share sordid pasts, and were discussing how those pasts have affected our relationships. I mentioned that before I had gotten married I had laid all my cards on the table, you know so I could start with a “clean” slate, this is something I am pretty sure I will never do again…

Why would some-one who professes to love you use your own experiences against you to cut so deeply? Why would they take your secrets, deep dark secrets, that you have entrusted them with as a sign of your love and trust for them and use them against you, as a means to control you? As we were discussing this some icky dark words filled with so much hurt, shame and pain came out of the dark recesses of my past… BAM! Like a slap in my face as fresh as the day they were first spewed at me. Once they came forth my heart bled and I cried.

That’s when I confessed that I have taken all the pain, all the hurtful abusive words and experiences wrapped them up and hidden them from view. Pushed it all aside in an attempt to forget about it. I am not really sure who I am trying to protect by hiding it, myself – my pride, my kids, possibly even my ex. And there came her words of wisdom…

“Yeah but you don’t really forget when you hide it. It’s just…in storage.”

In storage… I had to think about that. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true. The funny thing about burying the past, you pretend it’s been dealt with, but it hasn’t been. Putting it in storage is a way of keeping it, but not necessarily using it. It’s been packed away, never really forgotten, certainly not let go of. But in order to truly move it on it has to be thrown away. Putting it in storage is like saving it just in case you may need it one day. You know that box of keepsakes that is kept in the closet, never opened, but never forgotten, and for some reason we just can’t seem to part with the stuff in the box. But why would I choose to keep painful, heartbreaking, bitter memories that crush my spirit? Perhaps deep down I believe it? Perhaps I feel I have to own it to protect myself from going there again? I am not really sure but I am exploring and trying to understand.

It’s amazing how we can convince ourselves we have dealt with something when in reality we just stored it to be dealt with some other day.


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A detached & discouraged kind of day…

Today I went onto Pinterest for the first time in many months. I am surprised at the effect it has had on me. It has left me feeling wistful, edgy. I feel detached from life and like I am clawing at the edges of something, but I am not sure what that something is.

I am trying to analyze this and the closest to an “ah-ha” that I am getting is that I don’t desire to look at nifty pictures of far away places and cool projects. I want to go to these places, to get my hands dirty and do these projects. I am feeling like this lie that I am currently living is catching up with me and I am so very tired of it. I do not have any desire for going through the motions to make ends meet. I want to live. I want experience life, to experience all the cool stuff that excites me in this world.

Why aren’t I painting, drawing, writing, playing with clay, singing, playing the keyboard, strumming on a guitar (not very well but still), doing all things creative? Why am I not participating in my life?

Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled that I am finding courage and driving and going to places (close by places but going to them) but it’s feeling like it’s so not enough now. I want adventure, maybe even a small taste of danger. I want risk and excitement.

But I have kids that are counting on me. I have responsibilities. I keep telling myself be patient. Wait. Soon enough you can do and experience. But is that true? Is it really. Or am using the kids, and the responsibilities as an excuse to stay stuck? I feel trapped and frustrated, and I am seeing that there is a pattern here. That I seem to go through these emotions every few months. And each time I say “it’s time for change” and I get all excited, and then it fades, and I do nothing, and I put it all back on the shelf labelled “Someday”. But that just isn’t good enough.

I said: IT ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH! (It’s never been good enough, yet here I am once again) UGH! I need more! I am capable of more! I am worthy of more! I want more! But how? How do I make it happen? Am I the only one who feels this way? I can’t be the only one.


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Finding Freedom…

Hi everyone, I have not been around much lately, sorry. My personal home computer is still out of commission. It turns out that replacing a power button is more complicated than I thought. Also I haven’t been around much as of late to actually try to fix it.

I have been discovering the beauty of freedom. As I wrote a few months back I have had this horrible ‘fear’ of driving in places I have not been before or in areas that have a lot of traffic. Well I have been slowly getting over that. I still get uneasy and am not overly comfortable doing it, but my freedom is worth the pain. I have gone to Vancouver a few times, and traveled to Victoria this past weekend to visit with a good friend that I haven’t seen in years, and have known for close to forever. I am having a blast!! Next month I will be driving to West Vancouver and seeing Ed Sheeran live!!! 😀 I am so freaking excited it borders on stupid.

Growth always comes at a cost. In this case the cost is leaving my comfort zone and pushing past the fear and worry about all the what if’s. I will admit each time I go out I get lost. and it’s OK. I just pull over, breathe, look up my location on my phone and then adjust. NO BIG DEAL! Yet if I had contemplated getting lost just 6 months ago I’d have been on the verge of a panic attack (and that’s just thinking about it, not actually getting lost). I think I still have a long way to go, but I am happy with my progress.