Today I went onto Pinterest for the first time in many months. I am surprised at the effect it has had on me. It has left me feeling wistful, edgy. I feel detached from life and like I am clawing at the edges of something, but I am not sure what that something is.
I am trying to analyze this and the closest to an “ah-ha” that I am getting is that I don’t desire to look at nifty pictures of far away places and cool projects. I want to go to these places, to get my hands dirty and do these projects. I am feeling like this lie that I am currently living is catching up with me and I am so very tired of it. I do not have any desire for going through the motions to make ends meet. I want to live. I want experience life, to experience all the cool stuff that excites me in this world.
Why aren’t I painting, drawing, writing, playing with clay, singing, playing the keyboard, strumming on a guitar (not very well but still), doing all things creative? Why am I not participating in my life?
Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled that I am finding courage and driving and going to places (close by places but going to them) but it’s feeling like it’s so not enough now. I want adventure, maybe even a small taste of danger. I want risk and excitement.
But I have kids that are counting on me. I have responsibilities. I keep telling myself be patient. Wait. Soon enough you can do and experience. But is that true? Is it really. Or am using the kids, and the responsibilities as an excuse to stay stuck? I feel trapped and frustrated, and I am seeing that there is a pattern here. That I seem to go through these emotions every few months. And each time I say “it’s time for change” and I get all excited, and then it fades, and I do nothing, and I put it all back on the shelf labelled “Someday”. But that just isn’t good enough.
I said: IT ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH! (It’s never been good enough, yet here I am once again) UGH! I need more! I am capable of more! I am worthy of more! I want more! But how? How do I make it happen? Am I the only one who feels this way? I can’t be the only one.