myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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Creativity, boundaries and my left brain – right brain struggles…

I have not written an official post in over a month. Why? I can’t really say. It’s not for lack of wanting to. And yet I just haven’t posted. I’ve had some ideas here and there but usually by the time I get to a computer and have the opportunity to write I can’t remember what these great ideas were. I have gotten thru the busy time of year for me. 2 teenaged girl birthdays in a span of 11 days and Thanksgiving weekend nestled in with them. But I don’t think that is the problem either, hectic maybe but not the problem. I would love to say that I have not written because I have been far too busy in the throws of love, enraptured in some glorious affair with a man who adores me and spoils me rotten, but alas that is but a mere fantasy… sigh. Truthfully I have just been unmotivated, and perhaps a bit blah. I do not want to use this place as a journal, or as a place to ‘bitch n moan’. This blog was created as a means to express my creativity, and for expressing my opinions and ideas.

It is not only my writing that has taken a back seat lately either, I have not been reading, drawing, colouring, singing, cooking/baking nothing creative I’m afraid. So yesterday I sat myself down and spent roughly 30 minutes playing with clay. I made an abstract bunny, base don something I saw on pinterest, and a calla lily (which my daughter informed me looked very phallic – my response of course was to be very mature and call her a perv). I have determined that once the clay is dry I will paint/colour them. I really need to commit to doing something creative each week, for my own sanity. One guaranteed thing a week is not a far stretch, it’s doable, and I believe it has the potential to grow from there once a pattern is set.

In all honesty I have been doing things to appease my more logical side, I have been acting like a left brainer. Doing Sudukos, and playing various versions of solitaire, and puzzle challenges. It’s like my brain has been needing exercise. I am working on things that are hard for me. Things that need discipline and logical clear thought. I have written about my need for boundaries before, and at the time was all hyped up and emotional about how I would be practicing expressing my true feelings and actually doing something about boundaries, but alas it was that creative emotional right brained bullshit that I get so ensared in, and then it withered, as it always does, and I was left with a mess that I hid under the rug rather than cleaning up. I have realized that this is my pattern, my very unhealthy and unproductive pattern. I need to stop being so damned nice because in reality it isn’t nice at all, it’s just being a wimpy weiner and an asshole. I am robbing myself of peace – which ripples to the kids and into other areas of my life. And it is not being true to how I am really feeling, which in turn is stringing people along with false impressions of what is going on.

I have my fingers crossed that I can exercise some discipline, buckle down and do what I need to do on a continuous and consistent level. It will be hard at first, but I do know that it will be worth it and effect other areas of my life positively.


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Sunrise…

Near the end of the month last month my youngest, miss 14, asked me if I would write with her. She had found a page of writing prompt ideas and wanted to have a go at it. We spent two evenings in a row going over the prompts and coming up with nothing we both agreed on as being easy for a first attempt. So I asked her to pick something on her own and let me know when I got home from work the next day what we would be writing about. She chose “sunrise”. Now that had not been on the list we had been reviewing and I asked her where the idea came from and she confessed she just thought it was a good idea.

So we both sat down to write. And we both drew huge blanks. That’s when I went into mom mode and started asking questions. I asked if it could be a poem. I asked what the word count should be. I asked if the prompt was just the word sunrise or did she want to add something else. She said she didn’t care. I started out with an absolutely dreadful, overly done poem. I was trying way too hard. I walked away from it for a day and went back, edited it some changed it from a poem to a paragraph style. UGH! It still sucked! I then left it for another 2 days waiting for the weekend. (good excuse right?)

Here is what I finally came up with:

The sun rises welcoming a new day, painting the sky with hope. Like a bare canvas it echoes with the promise of new beginnings. The canvas of sky has been brushed with hues of night, and dawn, blending together in a rush of breathtaking colour. Tendrils of nectarine and cranberry sweep across the deep blue of night slowly brushing it away. The yellow fingers of the sun splay and stretch, reaching out to sleepily greet the world, and the chorus of a new day beginning rises through the voices of thrush, sparrows and chickadees, all of which are gathered to bask in the glow.

The cries of gulls are shrill against the sky beckoning the new day alongside the occasional cock’s crow. The seaside town begins to wake and rouse itself. Curtains are drawn and windows opened, to allow in the light and fresh breeze of morning. The scent of coffee and sweetbreads waft through the air. The bustle of children and men readying themselves for the day ahead, while women start to get busy with the daily chores, breakfast and laundry and the beating of rugs. One cannot waste such a clear morning, perfect for the drying of sheets and the refreshing of stagnant homes.

206 words, still overly done but it has been awhile since I have sat down with the purpose of actually writing. I see that it is easy to become rusty. I wish that life did not get in the way of the things I enjoy doing. And I wish that I did not allow myself to get so easily swayed.

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