myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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A new day brings silver-linings and disguised blessings… (an update)

Today is a new day and I realize that in spite of it all I am OK. I am thankful for all I have. I am thankful that I do not have to allow abuse in my life any more. That even though I have felt helpless in the past, that does not mean I am helpless or that the situation is helpless. There are silver linings even in the darkest of clouds, and that many terrible things when re-assessed are really just blessings in disguise.

Why must blessings so often come in disguise? Why do we have to peel back the layers of stinking garbage in order to find the precious gift that is hidden deep inside?

So sometime late lastnite or early this morning my ex sent the outstanding support payment. I’m just sad that he had to play his games first. He had perform his sadistic, abusive little ritual. But you know what it is good, because he has cut the cord this time. I do not have to communicate with him. He created his rules and I am sticking to them. He doesn’t realize it works both ways. He has said that I am not welcome to text him, email only for contact. I’m good with that. This will now ring true for phone calls as well. (ha! ring true! the pun was not intentional…)

I am still going to push ahead and get this over and done with. I will be divorced before I hit the 6 year mark! Why have I waited 5 1/2 years to bury the carcass? I suppose that is the silver-lining on this dark miserable cloud… it has lit a fire in my belly. I have to finish it, make a clean break. It’s the only way I can truly move ahead. I no longer want to lug an old, ugly, stinky dead body around with me. Besides it makes for poor company. I think that I shall cremate it and bury the ashes. And I will pack up all the the garbage that goes with it and burn that too.

I realized today that if I had experienced the day I had yesterday say 2 years ago I would have had a complete meltdown, that likely would have lasted days. Now I shake it off my shoulders like spring rain. I am growing, evolving, maturing and healing. It has been SLOW. But sometimes slow is what we need in order for proper healing. When a wound heals over without being cleaned it gets infected and the only way to fix it is by re-opening it and cleaning out the infection. That is painful and tedious (and gross). But if you take the time to properly clean out the wound before it heals over then you can avoid infection. I am hoping that, that is what I have done here by going slow. That I have allowed all the debris and infection to be properly cleansed, I have applied healing balms and now I can close the wound up and let it mend.

Yes, It is time.


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A dose of hard truths…

Currently I am out of sorts. I am in a state of turmoil and things are just not going as planned. (But when do they ever, right?) Financially I feel like everything is falling apart, and yet I have managed to remain fairly calm thus far. I guess deep down I know that falling apart is counter productive. I had been receiving rental assistance to supplement my income, which was a decent amount due to having claimed bankruptcy, it was very welcome and helpful. I also was receiving fairly regular support payments. Everything has changed over the course of the past 2 months. I was up for reassessment on my rental assistance and it was cut back to nearly nothing effect November 30th. I was expecting that however and so even though it will be hard I braced myself and said “I can do this!” The timing kind of sucks being so close to Christmas, but that’s life.

Now for the other part… My Ex is not emotionally or mentally stable. He has a history of being emotionally, verbally, spiritually and physically abusive. I believe he suffers from mental illness but he refuses to seek any form of help because “there is nothing wrong with him, I just paint him as a monster”. This is the reaction I get whenever I disagree with him. I need to start this by saying we have been separated for 5 1/2 years, and he has had a live with on and off again relationship for the past 2 1/2 to 3 of those years. Recently he broke off his relationship, yet again, but this time he decided that we should reconcile. I had a feeling that was what he wanted but he didn’t say so and I was not interested in breaching that conversation. Then two weeks ago Sunday he called me and asked me if I would be interested in reconciling. I said “NO”. I was very clear. He heard “IDK, maybe?”, and told me to think about it. Three days later I was asked why I had broken plans with him, he thought we were going to hang out on Remembrance day. I told him I was confused as I had not made plans with him, and I recapped the conversation we had had on the Sunday. He commented that he supposed it was just wishful thinking on his part and then went on to ask if I had gotten a chance to think about reconciliation. I again told him very clearly that I did not want to reconcile and that I did not see any future for us in a romantic capacity. I explained some of the why’s and tried my best to be kind. I thought it went OK. There had been no communication after that until late Saturday morning when I inquired via text when he would be depositing his support payment, I received no response. Again this morning I asked via text when and asked why he makes me ask for it every time (I know the reason is control, but that isn’t the point). I then received a text informing me that: “All gifts and money have been voluntary. I’m tired of your hate. No more texting it’s only for friends and family. You may email only from now on. As far as voluntary support I can send cheques in the mail at my earliest convenience… don’t rely on my money. I will not respond to texting from you from now on. Goodbye.” I just lost another large chunk of my monthly finances, because I do not want to reconcile with him. He is punishing his kids because he is hurt and angry with me. I will state here that up to this point it has been voluntary, we had mutually discussed it and came to an agreement that has remained somewhat tentative, yet relatively consistent.

I am at a loss. I have tried so hard to keep things courteous, to be polite, to maintain a level of friendship… no that’s not the right word, of civility. And he has walked all over me. Played mind games, used money as a weapon, and manipulated the situation every chance he could get as a means to stay in control. I am done. I can’t do it any more. I feel so defeated today. Tomorrow is another day. And I will be strong, as I always am. But fuck it’s hard. I wish I was in a place financially where I did not need support. In all honesty I am tired of him feeling justified and like I owe him.

These are things I keep generally secret. My.Personal.Life. I only discuss it on occasion with my closest friends, and for awhile I was seeing a counselor. I don’t air my dirty laundry. I don’t discuss the abuse. The manipulation. The heartache and betrayal. I don’t because then I have to admit to where I have been. I have to face what I’ve been through, am still going through. Then I have to discuss my part in all of this. The things I did myself, and the things I allowed all while living in denial. Denial was so much easier. (No it wasn’t, because I knew what I was in denial)…

Anyways, I will be looking into what assistance I can get to finalize my divorce and let the court rule on support. I know this is going to be ugly and hard. I would appreciate any and all prayers, positive thoughts, and encouragement and that you guys can send my way… And any advice from those of you who have been there would be appreciated too.


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Getting older… another Birthday come and gone.

Yesterday I had a birthday. Over all it was a good day. I am not impressed with how the digits keep getting bigger, but alas there isn’t much I can do about that: as Cher likes to croon “If I could turn back time”… but I digress (oh and about the ear worm, you are most welcome ;) )

It’s a funny thing getting older. As little kids we don’t really understand the passing of time and are just excited about having a special day just for us: presents, cake, games and fun (and sometimes it’s all a bit overwhelming for wee ones).

Then we we hit around the 9 year mark and we are so excited to be getting older because we are that much closer to the milestones that add up to adulthood and all the fun we think it represents: freedom, staying up late, cool clothes, for us girls boobies, high heels, makeup, romanticized notions of first dates and so on (not sure what guys want out of aging… probably some of the same things?).

Soon we find we are adults, and maybe we have children of our own and kind of loose ourselves, our birthdays become secondary, they just don’t mean as much, they are no longer about a day for us but become a day for and about our kids.

Then one day we realize the kids are nearly grown themselves, they don’t get all excited about your special day any more, there are no longer crazy homemade gifts that we love in-spite of the fact that we have no idea what they are. The excited squeaky Happy Birthdays & homemade cards have given way to a more subdued greeting, a store bought card and a nicely wrapped box of chocolates (or some such thing). And we realize we are just celebrating another step towards empty nest syndrome, gray hair and wrinkles, and perhaps we feel a wee bit ripped off by life.

I was not looking forward to my birthday this year. I just wasn’t feeling it. But you know what. I don’t feel ripped off by life, I feel loved by my family and friends. It really was a good day. <3

And just because….

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