myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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I have been absent… but I am back – I think?

It’s been just over 2 weeks since my last post. This is abnormal for me. It is not like I been without the desire, but for whatever reason… many reasons… I have not posted. October has been a whirlwind, I have survived the birthday rush that October is: one turned 16 on the 10th, the other turned 14 on the 21st (I am now el-broko). I survived the Kitten invasion, barely. (Actually the weekend between the birthdays I had to be taken to the medical clinic. It was the first asthma attack I have had in many years.) and I have been left realizing I am not taking care of myself and I am feeling a wee bit Blase.

Perhaps part of my blues is caused by the actual onset of fall here. We have cold, damp, foggy nites and mornings. Yet we are still getting beautiful sunny afternoons that are relatively warm  – just a hint of autumn chill whenever you catch a breeze. I know a part of my problem is that holidays and birthdays are difficult, my ex does not seem to appreciate boundaries at the best of times and I am greatly lacking when it comes to laying them down in a straight forward and blunt manner – yet I really allow my feathers to get ruffled when he doesn’t respect my invisible boundaries. As soon as holidays and birthdays are involved he makes his presence felt, and I find myself reeling emotionally and physically. But I am not wishing to write about my ex today, not as a rant or otherwise.

I think perhaps I have been spending sometime internalizing and searching, and have come to the realization that I have been down for quite sometime. This in part comes down to my work situation, but only in part, I cannot blame my work for my lack of motivation or for my lack of self care. It contributes for sure, but in the end I am responsible for what I choose to do and not do. My choices are mine and mine alone. But they affect more than just me. They affect my whole being, inside and out, as well as my children and my relationship with them. I also find the farther I allow myself to slip the more reclusive and alone I become. This creates a vicious cycle. A cycle I must break and have no desire to be stuck in.

I am master and commander of this ship and I have allowed a mutiny to happen. Now I must regain control, and reset my course. I am thankful to say I have not fallen into any poor coping habits such as: drinking or self depreciation. I know better! But I have gotten soft & lazy, and my eating habits leave a bit to be desired. Other than my job I am lacking routine. I have never really been one for strict routine. I likely never will be. But when I am enjoying the place I am at I am eager to get going, I am organized, and I tend to fall into a rhythm of sorts. On the other hand when I am not happy with where I am, well… I could stay under the covers all day  – I believe that is called hiding. (I can be the queen of avoidance and procrastination when I choose to be.)

So I am pulling up my boot straps, dusting myself off and preparing for battle. It might be hard. Or I might be surprised and find it is so much easier than expected. I won’t know til I try though, right?

Switchfoot ~ Learning to Breathe

Switchfoot ~ Dare you to Move

 


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Change… it’s a coming…

I have had a hard time getting into the swing of things since the holidays. I had nearly two full weeks off, and getting back to schedule has been very hard. I am only just recently back to sleeping regularly. As for writing: I haven’t been blogging regularly and I haven’t been journaling regularly either. I feel a bit out of synch. It’s nothing in particular; it’s not sadness, or being too busy. I am, if anything, feeling listless. There is so much, too much going on around me and I can “feel” it in the air. That sounds so corny. But seriously I am feeling like there is major change coming. Everything around me feels restless. And in the midst of it I am having trouble focusing and getting settled.

I have big expectations for me and my family this year. I truly believe that major things are ahead – they may be down the road aways… like in the next few years. But I feel good about it. Change is kind of exciting. Why did I always fear it?

I know that we will be moving soon. My eldest daughter, and her family share the house we are renting – they have a suite downstairs; me and her 2 sisters are upstairs. But it is time to consider parting ways – we are both feeling it. No hard feelings it’s just time.

A part of me wants to just head across Canada and see where I end up. But I will have to wait on that as my 15 year old is just finishing her grade 10 year and is feeling stable here and I promised her that I would do whatever I can to ensure that she would do grades 11 & 12 at the same school (with the exception of situations beyond my control – of course). So it looks like I will be staying here in this town until at least July 2015.

OK so what I am trying to say? Good question. I’m saying I feel change in the air and in the midst of it I am feeling very out of synch with it. And so I am pushing forward while trying to not lose sight of my ‘bucket list’. I need to aim towards the goals and dreams I set down. Sometimes in the face of day-to-day it is easy to set our dreams aside. To forget them, label them as unrealistic or immature, and let them fade into the distance until they are no more. But then life becomes extremely dull, and tedious, even painful to endure. I must keep my eyes on my dreams, yet I must also allow for those dreams to change and evolve, as I make progress and grow.

I need to be loose enough to go with life’s flow, yet focused enough to keep my eyes on what I want. I need to keep pushing forward, not tossed about to and fro, but stable, without being rigid. Life is always changing, it’s so easy to get left behind, and not even know it until it’s too late.

Yea, change is coming and it’s a good thing….

KT Tunstall – Hold On (with lyrics)