myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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This fragile life…

It’s funny, but we seem to take our lives for granted.We forget how fleeting it can be. We forget that we are never promised a tomorrow. That every day is a blessing. We forget that life can be broken in a moment. That it is fragile.

My eldest daughter’s friend has been battling cancer. Lastnite she succumbed and departed this earth. I am amazed at how much this has hurt my heart. Shocked at the imprint I feel on my soul. She was a beautiful woman who even in the midst of her pain and struggle always seemed to have a smile on her face. I did not know her well. I believe I chose it that way. The hurt of losing people is hard and becoming friends with some-one you are destined to lose is terrifying. This has been my loss, for I know she was a wonderful woman and I have missed out on being touched by her brilliance.

I think the part that truly knocks the wind out of me is the fact that she has left behind 2 beautiful, young children. I know they will live lives full of love and the best of care. They have a wonderful dad, and lots of family. Family that actually acts how family should. They have pulled together through the struggles of the last few years, and have created a safe place for these two little ones.

But it all brings me back to the fragility of life. We have so much to be thankful for, every single day. We have so much to offer to ourselves, to others. Yet we forget. We live guided by the routine of life with blinders on, just doing what we must to survive. Filled with fear of change, fear of the unknown. Fear is no way to live. Mundane routine is no way to live.

Then there is the spiritual side of life. I personally believe in God. I am a Christian. And even though there is a lot bad stuff out there that I cannot understand I know in my heart of hearts what I know. God is real and in the quiet moments of true heartbreak, I can hear Him. Those are the moments He comes and comforts, and shows me where I need to go. Shows me just how precious my life is. Shows me that no matter how insignificant I may feel, He loves me, and I am an important part of the here and now. He put me here, now, for a reason, even if I have no clue what that reason is.

Sometimes I lose my way and I forget where I am going, I get overwhelmed by unimportant things. Sometimes I forget where I have come from. Sometimes I do not act like some-one who believes. Sometimes I forget that life is fragile. Perhaps that is part of being human? But I know that there is a loving creator watching over me, and all the lives that I have touched, am yet to touch, will never touch. I just know.

Generally I try to avoid so called ‘religious’ topics here, but then I suppose to one degree or another I am then hiding a piece of who I am. But I will not apologize for being me, or for believing that there is more to this life than merely existing. There has to be or there is no point at all. We need to love one another, support one another, come along side each other in times of heartache and need, laugh with each other in times of plenty. And to be able to do these things in love without judgement. Where some-one else is, or has been, is not my business. Loving them and helping them to cope, and get through whatever it is they are experiencing, that is my business.

This is for all who know and comprehend the fragility of life… don’t forget, hold on, keep on moving towards love. For those of you who don’t, I hope and pray you discover it.


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little dove

Sorrow – drawn 2008

Close your eyes my little dove
Just rest awhile here in my love
Heart is broken, tears are shed
As you sleep in an eternal bed
Death may take you far away
But in my heart you’ll always stay

This post is dedicated to anyone who has ever experienced the sorrow of a miscarriage. The picture ‘Sorrow’ was drawn one evening after I had received news that a friend was being sent to hospital because the doctors were afraid she was going to lose her unborn child (she didn’t thankfully).

The poem ‘Little Dove’ was written this year when some-one my eldest daughter knew – through a maternity web page – had shared the sad news that she had lost her baby.


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Life is Good… Even when it Sucks.

Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained. ~ Marie Curie

In the USA September 9 – 15 is national suicide prevention week. This is a time when we need to remember those we have lost to suicide, and remind those who are struggling that  there is reason to hang on, even when it feels so far away and like giving up is easier than carrying on.

I write this in memory of my stepsister who took her life at the age of 25 (1971 – 1997).

Life is good, even when it sucks. I know that is a contradiction, but I also know it is a solid truth. We all go through ups and downs in life; times of gain and times of loss. Our lives are filled with times of great joy and times of excruciating pain, whether that pain is physical or emotional is irrelevant, the pain is very real and is sadly guaranteed. Yet in spite of the downs, the loss, the pain; life still is good and beautiful and there is always hope, we just need to believe.

We need to know and understand that there are people out there who love us.  They may be people who are close to us like our family and friends, or not. But we are loved. Every last one of us is loved unconditionally; we just often cannot feel it. Maybe there is some-one out there who loves us but not the way we want them too. Just because it isn’t how we want doesn’t mean it isn’t love. Yes that love may hurt, but it is still love.

We need to let others know when we are hurting. The biggest lie we can tell ourselves is “if they really loved us they would know how we feel.” No-one can know how we feel if we don’t tell them.

We are never alone, unless we choose to be. There is always some-one out there to turn to. It does not have to be some-one close in our life, it can be a professional – but that is why they are there – to help. Whether you talk to a pastor, a doctor, a counsellor, maybe even a teacher, but if you let them know that you are hurting they will help, and if they can’t they will connect you with some-one who can.  It doesn’t even have to be in person, it can be a crisis-line we turn to. But we do not have to suffer alone, in silence.

Remember that nothing lasts forever. Life is full of seasons, just as the happy, good times eventually end, so too will the bad times. In the middle of the crisis it is so hard to see, but it is true and we need to go through these seasons over and over again throughout our lifetimes. Just remember; as the seasons of birth and growth (spring and summer) seem particularly colourful and joyous, the seasons of death and dormancy (autumn and winter) can seem particularly cold and bleak, but eventually spring will return.

Every life has a purpose, including yours. Especially yours. Your life is yours and yours alone. You are the only you alive, and it has been purposed that way for a reason. Call it God’s plan; call it fate, even destiny, but you were made for this time, at this time, to exist and fulfill something that only you can fulfill. I can’t tell you what your something is; I am trying to figure out my something. But I know I have a purpose, there is a reason that I am alive right now, why I felt compelled to sit at my desk and write these words. Just as there is a purpose behind why at this moment, you decided to sit at your computer and read this post. We may never see the point behind these moments in our lives, but they occurred for a reason, and some-one’s life somewhere will be touched by them and that’s all that matters.

Life is a miracle, it is beautiful, and good, and colourful. But it is also hard and brutal and trying. We just need to stay focused and persevere. We need to remember how precious life is. To be able to embrace both the good and the bad in life. We need to learn how to love ourselves and love each other. Maybe if I had known these things I could have shared them with my step sister, and maybe that would have made a difference, maybe not. I don’t know. But I do know that even though the pain can be crippling, a life is a terrible thing to waste.