myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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January is for assessment, and that’s good enough for me!

It’s turning out that January is my month for assessment. Part of that assessment is that I am working on a blogging plan, read that as schedule, for 2015.

It seems to me that even though such a thing may sound kind of anal, and rigid. But I’m thinking it may be necessary. I have seen far too many blogs come and go. Blogs I have loved, just “poof” gone. I do not want to become another statistic of a blog that has disappeared before hitting the 3 year mark. (I think the majority seem to peeter out around a year and a half, but whatever.) I have also found myself floundering not sure what to right about any more. In the beginning I had so much stuff swirling around in my noggin, I figured I’d never run out of things to say. Apparently I was wrong. (GASP! that isn’t possible, I don’t do wrong! 😉 ) Anyways I’m thinking if I have some sort of schedule, where I post certain styles of posts on certain days that may help.

Worse that happens is I make a schedule and find I’m not sticking to it, then back to the drawing board I suppose.

On a different and yet related note I have made ZERO resolutions this year. And it feels good. As I said before I am using January as my own personal assessment month. I am thinking this year is a year for trying things out, testing waters, easing gradually into major changes. Instead of the usual fling myself at the mountain looming before me and then give up in dismay when I am overwhelmed by the enormisity of it! (Shhh enormisity is too a word, even if I did just make it up).

I am really wanting to develop some sort of routine in my life, read that as I want stability. I know, I know I have routine I go to work from 8:15 to 4:30 every Monday to Friday. Which means I get up at 7 am each morning and I tend to go to bed between 10 and 11 every Sunday to Thursday. Then I stay up way too late on Friday and Saturday and stay in bed until I’m darn good and ready to face the world, or I have to pee – which ever comes first. I tend to laz about on the weekends trying to ignore the evil shadow of Monday that lurks in dark corners tainting my personal private days that I have all sorts of aspirations for and in the end am just happy that I managed to do laundry and shower, and feed myself. Sigh. How utterly, dreadfully, predictably dull…

I want a different kind of routine. I don’t necessarily want mapped and predictable. I want stability, financial, emotional, spiritual stability. Life balance. Currently my life is working for money so I can pay bills and carry on with working to make money… you get the idea. I want room for fun! Like blogging, art, singing, going for walks, going out with my girls, spending time with friends, going out for dinner or a concert and not worrying that I just spent the hydro bill, you know doing stuff that feels like living and not just existing!!!

Like I said January is for assessment.


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Days 74 & 75 – Reinventing myself…

The other day I had a thought. A profound thought. An amazing thought. A true Ah-ha moment! I would even go so far as to say it may have been an epiphany. I know, I know just spit it out already, right! OK, OK… sheesh

I realized that I have been stuck in a rut. A rut of negative thoughts and negative self talk. That I have living with a box around myself. I have told myself that I must conform to the limitations of that box. And then – here’s the good part… Then it dawned on me that the only one limiting me is, well… me. I came to the grand realization that I am living in a town where I know very few people, I am ‘seeing’ a guy that is still getting to know me. Which means that I can be whoever I chose to be. I can decide right now, right here in this present moment who I want to be. I can choose what I want my style to be. Not what I have been told is flattering, or acceptable or that others are accustomed too. I am not limited to what I am afraid other people will think. Who cares? I don’t know these people. I can be whatever, whoever and however I WANT to be, however I CHOOSE – I am only bound by two limitations: 1) The false limitations that I allow myself to accept, and of course 2) the real limitation of staying true to myself. There is no point in lying about who I really am, you know the person I am at my very core. Lying about that would be counter productive. (isn’t that what I have been doing all this time? I have been lying and hiding for fear of getting hurt)

Therefore I must remain true to my heart. I have played the ‘fake’ game before and it sucked. In the end it hurt me far more than sharing the painful truth of where I was at the time would have. But I am not there any more and there is no reason for ‘Sunday smiles’ and false ‘I’m fines’. I am a free spirit. I am in love with love. I long for REAL, I long for excitement, adventure, romance, connection, spiritual encounters, stormy nites, sunny days, dancing in the pouring rain, singing out loud in public places, acting foolish, being wise, I LONG FOR LIFE! I LONG TO TRULY LIVE! I am so tired of drudging. Merely existing. It isn’t enough. It just isn’t good enough!! I need more, crave more, must have more and the only one holding me back is me!

So I am reinventing me… a free me. A true me. The real me is removing her mask and stepping out of the shadows. I have been too afraid of what others may think, living under the shadow of my ex and his influence for far too long and I am done with it. So I shall embrace the child within, I will accept that I am not perfect, I will challenge myself to do things that scare me. To actually say what’s on my mind, because I can be funny, I can be sexy & flirty, and I can be smart. I am challenging myself to wear that outfit that I think is amazing but have been too afraid that it would be too bold, or too sexy, or too young, or too polished or whatever limitation I gave it before. I can be more than one thing too. I do not have to be the tomboy, the girl who doesn’t wear dresses, or the one who is reserved and quiet in the corner. No, I am more, far more. I am those things, yet I can also be the girl who does wear dresses and speaks her mind, and laughs too loud and sometimes says inappropriate things and doesn’t care. I have something to offer and can one day be the tomboy in jeans and hiking boots and a week later the classy lady in heels and a clingy dress attending a play. It isn’t up to any one else any more, it is up to me now.

Yes it is up to me and I am reinventing myself…


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YOLO, Life, Death, and ‘that’ one thing…

We only die once, but we endure life everyday. So why not live it & love it!

My cousin posted something very similar to the above statement on FB the other day. It got me thinking. I am not a huge fan of YOLO (you only live once) thinking. Even though I believe it’s true; we only live once (I am not inviting a philosophical debate on reincarnation here OK) that is not a reason to be ridiculously stupid with your life. The YOLO philosophy isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But I think in many cases it leads to living selfishly rather than selflessly. It seems to promote stupidity and a lack of common sense as a means to living a ‘satisfying’ life. Life is not a race to find the biggest most amazing adrenaline rush available. It is not about doing all the things we think will satisfy our many lusts; taking extreme risks, doing drugs, partying, sexing it up. Those things in the beginning may be self gratifying and exciting, but ask anyone who has lived there for any length of time, in the long run living like that will suck your life from you and own you.

I am not suggesting we hide in our homes wrapped in bubble wrap afraid to do anything. What I am suggesting is that life is a precious gift. That it is a gift that needs to be appreciated and used to it’s fullest capacity. That life is truly about love; about learning to love and learning to accept love.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. ~ Moulin Rouge

Taking care of others, being kind, talking to that person you have been admiring from afar (whether a romantic interest or professional or friendship it doesn’t matter) these can be huge for both your own growth and happiness as well for others around you.

Throwing caution to the wind and doing that one thing you always wanted to do, that one thing that keeps you awake at night, brings a smile to your face, occupies your thoughts and dreams, that is living life.

Curly: Do you know what the secret of life is? [holds up one finger] This.
Mitch: Your finger?
Curly: One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and the rest don’t mean shit.
Mitch: But, what is the “one thing?”
Curly: That’s what you have to find out.      ~ City Slickers

It doesn’t matter what that one thing is – it’s different for each person, it could be raising a family, traveling, quitting your job and doing something you love, or always wanted to try, whether it’s being an artist, a poet, a singer, going back to school to get your doctorate, or maybe even just to graduate, missionary work (at home or abroad), anything, it can be anything at all really. It isn’t about what that one thing is, it’s about loving your life and who you are, really feeling it and letting yourself succeed. It’s about not hindering yourself but rather giving up on your doubts and fears.

Follow your heart...

Follow your heart…

“I have broken up with my doubts, and now I’m marrying my dreams” ~unknown

Why do so many of us choose to just endure life? Why trudge through when you can embrace what you have and love it? We are not promised tomorrow. Death is our only guarantee so make the most of what you have today, learn to live in the now and not in the some day and if you are lucky enough to wake up tomorrow say ‘thank-you’, breath in the sweetness of life and make the most of that day. Always seek the silver lining even when the skies are grey and things seem shitty. Take that shit and turn it into fertilizer. Use it on the soil of your life, it will make the flowers grow.