myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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Shine!!!

I Need to SHINE!!!

I have been absent for quite sometime. Longer than I’m probably aware, the days have all been just a blur to me and I am still in shock that it’s already October. I would love to be able to tell you all that it’s because I found some amazing job and have been so busy I just lost track of time; or I could tell you that I have been diligently pounding the pavement searching for work and that the economy is just so bad I can’t find one. But either way that would be a lie. I have actually been rather lax in the job hunt, don’t get me wrong I need a job, but I just can’t bring myself to apply for another soul sucker, no matter how much it pays.

I have had so much weird and crazy stuff happen all at once in my life that I am grateful I wasn’t working, I probably would have had a complete meltdown if I’d had to actually fo to work through it all. My town had a bank robbery and hostage taking roughly a month and a half ago, the hostage was my daughter’s boyfriend’s mother, it hit far too close for comfort I’m afraid. My youngest went to go visit her brother and father in the neighbouring province – she’s been gone over a month now and isn’t sure when she is gonna head back, but she is coming back. My eldest gave her notice and then could not find a place, her landlady said no worries just let me know and you can stay here longer if needed. So she took a place that would have required her to stay an extra 2 weeks at her old place – of course by then the landlady changed her mind so I had my Daughter’s family stay at my place (2 adults, 3 kids, 2 cats and 3 guinea pigs – which I am allergic to all the pets) It was insane. So I deserted ship and went to visit a friend for a week which was amazing. All of this occurred the end of August/beginning of September. All is quite around here now, thankfully, but still I can’t seem to push myself I just keep procrastinating…

So what have I been doing since everything has calmed down? A lot of soul searching, a lot of both mental and physical purging. I’ve been preparing for major change, I’m not really sure what that change is just yet but I know it’s coming and I know it’s gonna be big.

What have I learned through my soul searching? I’ve learned tat there is still a lot of fear deep down inside me. I’ve learned that I have been unhappy for a very long time. Not that I haven’t had happy moments, or things to be happy for, but deep down there has been a stillness. I have realized that I need to do more for myself on a consistent level, not this weird haphazard way I tend to do things. I’ve realized that I am happiest when I have someone to do for (not meaning a relationship, but yes it could be). I need to do something big and important (at least something I see as important). I’ve learned that I need to shine. I want to shine. I have learned that in order to shine I need to be happy, and yet in order to be happy I have to be shining. I can’t have one without the other.

What is shining? It’s doing the things that illuminate my heart and make my life feel worth something. It’s achieved through so many things, being creative, expressing myself, being near people who care, doing things for others – things that matter, having others be interested in me. That last one is a weird one for me. I never realized how much of my self worth rests in knowing others have an interest in me. I’m not talking sexual desire (although that’s nice too) but rather just as I am interested in people and want to be around them and help them, people are interested in me and want to be around me and help me too.

So I’m working things out slowly. It’s a never ending process I’m afraid. Change is hard, acknowledging a need for change is hard. Life is hard. But I NEED to SHINE. And change is the ony way I can achieve that.

So shine on you crazy diamond, SHINE!!!

Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there’s a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the cross fire of childhood and stardom,
Blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter, come on you stranger,
You legend, you martyr, and shine!

You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
Rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions, come on you painter,
You piper, you prisoner, and shine!

Nobody knows where you are, how near or how far.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Pile on many more layers and I’ll be joining you there.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
And we’ll bask in the shadow of yesterday’s triumph,
And sail on the steel breeze.
Come on you boy child, you winner and loser,
Come on you miner for truth and delusion, and shine!


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Day 4 – Learning to communicate…

Today I received some books that I had ordered online. This makes me happy. I am thankful that I have the capacity to learn. That I can read and absorb information, and then apply it to my life. The books I received today are books about relationships, and how to go about enriching them. They are books about looking at myself first and making the changes I need to make in order to attain better responses from those I have relationships with.

5 love book

 

Gary Chapman: The Five Love Languages – I have read this before, more than once and figured it’s a good one to own, as I will read it again many more times before I truely learn to read others love languages and communicate with them on levels they understand emotionally.

anger book

 

Gary Chapman: Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy way – I have not read this, but it talks about controlling your own anger as well as learning how to communicate with angry people. This is good I think as I tend to back away from all conflict until pushed to my limit, then look out. Not healthy or productive.

HoldOnToYourKids_Cover

Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate: Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers – I have not read this one either but a friend suggested it to me and I found the first chapter online. Fascinating stuff. It’s about how different parenting truly is today compared to the past due to this technological world we live in and how technology is truly changing the family dynamic.


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Where is the Compassion?

While sitting drinking my coffee this morning, waiting for the dishwater to cool so I could wash the dishes, I was wondering to myself what should I write for my next blog post… and well my mind started wandering as it so often does… often this can be a scary thing – because I could truly end up just about anywhere… and, well I started thinking about passion, and how it seems that so many people are seeking it. Who am I kidding? Everyone is seeking it. This I feel can be a good thing, it is good to find what we are passionate about enabling us to live a life that is full. This is something I want for my life. But then I started thinking how it seems so one sided and self orientated. Truly, to spend our lives finding what we love can involve excluding so many people, so many opportunities, because we are so focused on ourselves and the process of discovering who we are and doing the things that we want.

This is where my thought process shifted, because then I started thinking about a word that I do not hear so much in everyday talk. An important word, a word that when put to use and exercised can truly change the world. Compassion… and I realized that compassion is the key in our search for passion.

Passion is our obsession, the thing that excites us and fills us with enthusiasm. Compassion is defined as empathy. I think it is so much deeper than that. I think Compassion is to be obsessed with our love for others (this is not some strange kinky sex thing, this is about genuine concern and caring for other people).

You see our families, friends and loved ones are our ‘class room’ for learning compassion. It is pretty easy to have caring tendencies for those who are dear to our hearts. Showing genuine love and concern for those we love is easy for the most part; however they are also the ones who can cut us to the quick, and push all of our buttons – which is why they are our training ground for compassion and mercy. But it doesn’t mean a lot if we do not take our lessons and utilize them. We need to then step past our loved ones and reach out to our acquaintances. Those we know and perhaps care about, but they are not close, they are not loved ones. Again a training ground of people, where we can learn the skills of empathy and kindness. But the real challenge is to take it beyond, to the next level and shower compassion upon those we do not know, have never met, and beyond to the unlovely and unwanted of the world (if that is possible, how can any human being be truly cast aside and unwanted – the thought tears at my heart) – that is the true test, the battle ground we have trained for.

So we have an equation that is linear, but somewhere in the compassion equation we have missed an important step. The one that makes all of it possible and creates a circle, therefore completing the lesson… Compassion for ourselves.

I really think that we cannot truly give to others what we do not understand and have for ourselves. I believe that when we learn love, tenderness, forgiveness, and kindness for ourselves it becomes our nature and we can then have it flow from us to others. To all that we meet. Our training ground of loved ones is so essential because that is where we learn how to treat ourselves. (Children are the greatest training ground for this – they push us to our very limits, and the love does not stop, in fact it grows, and when we think we cannot possibly have more love in our hearts we find that somehow we do – this is how we need to learn to feel about ourselves). ¬†And I believe that when we begin to learn the lessons of compassion, when we learn how to love ourselves, and let it flow from us into our corner of the world, it is then that we begin to find what makes us truly alive, and our passions begin to reveal themselves…

Tenth Avenue North – Oh My Dear

I some how thought this song was fitting as it is about both compassion and forgiveness for those we love as well as self forgiveness, plus it is a beautiful song.