myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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A new day brings silver-linings and disguised blessings… (an update)

Today is a new day and I realize that in spite of it all I am OK. I am thankful for all I have. I am thankful that I do not have to allow abuse in my life any more. That even though I have felt helpless in the past, that does not mean I am helpless or that the situation is helpless. There are silver linings even in the darkest of clouds, and that many terrible things when re-assessed are really just blessings in disguise.

Why must blessings so often come in disguise? Why do we have to peel back the layers of stinking garbage in order to find the precious gift that is hidden deep inside?

So sometime late lastnite or early this morning my ex sent the outstanding support payment. I’m just sad that he had to play his games first. He had perform his sadistic, abusive little ritual. But you know what it is good, because he has cut the cord this time. I do not have to communicate with him. He created his rules and I am sticking to them. He doesn’t realize it works both ways. He has said that I am not welcome to text him, email only for contact. I’m good with that. This will now ring true for phone calls as well. (ha! ring true! the pun was not intentional…)

I am still going to push ahead and get this over and done with. I will be divorced before I hit the 6 year mark! Why have I waited 5 1/2 years to bury the carcass? I suppose that is the silver-lining on this dark miserable cloud… it has lit a fire in my belly. I have to finish it, make a clean break. It’s the only way I can truly move ahead. I no longer want to lug an old, ugly, stinky dead body around with me. Besides it makes for poor company. I think that I shall cremate it and bury the ashes. And I will pack up all the the garbage that goes with it and burn that too.

I realized today that if I had experienced the day I had yesterday say 2 years ago I would have had a complete meltdown, that likely would have lasted days. Now I shake it off my shoulders like spring rain. I am growing, evolving, maturing and healing. It has been SLOW. But sometimes slow is what we need in order for proper healing. When a wound heals over without being cleaned it gets infected and the only way to fix it is by re-opening it and cleaning out the infection. That is painful and tedious (and gross). But if you take the time to properly clean out the wound before it heals over then you can avoid infection. I am hoping that, that is what I have done here by going slow. That I have allowed all the debris and infection to be properly cleansed, I have applied healing balms and now I can close the wound up and let it mend.

Yes, It is time.


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You feel so Comfortable…

Comfortable

You feel so comfortable
I put you on like a favourite sweater
pulling you tight around me.

I breathe you in
and like air you sustain me
your scent lingering upon my skin.

I hear your voice
whispering my name in my ear
How I wish you were here.

Some days I am a hopeless romantic. I can’t seem to get my head out of the clouds and I feel like I am drowning in a sea of sickeningly sweet aromas of love and peace and all things nauseatingly beautiful. But there is always this small, nasty voice in my head ready to destroy my visions, telling me to be realistic. Filling me with anticipation and worry. Spewing all the negative what-ifs and filling my guts with dread. I am telling that voice, no matter how small & quiet it may be, to SHUT-UP and BACK-OFF! I want to enjoy this. Regardless of where it goes. If it goes anywhere at all. It’s not the point. The point right here, right now, in this moment and time, is not the destination it is the moment itself. And I want to get absolutely lost in this moment. I want it to last as long as it possibly can. (Whether it’s a mere moment or the rest of my life) I want to feel this with all of my being. To embrace the exhilaration of positive “what ifs”. To jump in and bathe in the luxurious feeling of maybe.

Maybe… it holds all the magic of a faerie tale. I am tired of being cynical. I am tired of holding myself at bay. I am ready to greet the impossible and hold hands with maybe. I am ready…

Besides I have nothing to lose. The worst that happens is a long term friendship has been reunited. The best, well the best is a lifetime love affair with a good friend. I can’t find the loss in this equation? We win either way…