myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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Shine!!!

I Need to SHINE!!!

I have been absent for quite sometime. Longer than I’m probably aware, the days have all been just a blur to me and I am still in shock that it’s already October. I would love to be able to tell you all that it’s because I found some amazing job and have been so busy I just lost track of time; or I could tell you that I have been diligently pounding the pavement searching for work and that the economy is just so bad I can’t find one. But either way that would be a lie. I have actually been rather lax in the job hunt, don’t get me wrong I need a job, but I just can’t bring myself to apply for another soul sucker, no matter how much it pays.

I have had so much weird and crazy stuff happen all at once in my life that I am grateful I wasn’t working, I probably would have had a complete meltdown if I’d had to actually fo to work through it all. My town had a bank robbery and hostage taking roughly a month and a half ago, the hostage was my daughter’s boyfriend’s mother, it hit far too close for comfort I’m afraid. My youngest went to go visit her brother and father in the neighbouring province – she’s been gone over a month now and isn’t sure when she is gonna head back, but she is coming back. My eldest gave her notice and then could not find a place, her landlady said no worries just let me know and you can stay here longer if needed. So she took a place that would have required her to stay an extra 2 weeks at her old place – of course by then the landlady changed her mind so I had my Daughter’s family stay at my place (2 adults, 3 kids, 2 cats and 3 guinea pigs – which I am allergic to all the pets) It was insane. So I deserted ship and went to visit a friend for a week which was amazing. All of this occurred the end of August/beginning of September. All is quite around here now, thankfully, but still I can’t seem to push myself I just keep procrastinating…

So what have I been doing since everything has calmed down? A lot of soul searching, a lot of both mental and physical purging. I’ve been preparing for major change, I’m not really sure what that change is just yet but I know it’s coming and I know it’s gonna be big.

What have I learned through my soul searching? I’ve learned tat there is still a lot of fear deep down inside me. I’ve learned that I have been unhappy for a very long time. Not that I haven’t had happy moments, or things to be happy for, but deep down there has been a stillness. I have realized that I need to do more for myself on a consistent level, not this weird haphazard way I tend to do things. I’ve realized that I am happiest when I have someone to do for (not meaning a relationship, but yes it could be). I need to do something big and important (at least something I see as important). I’ve learned that I need to shine. I want to shine. I have learned that in order to shine I need to be happy, and yet in order to be happy I have to be shining. I can’t have one without the other.

What is shining? It’s doing the things that illuminate my heart and make my life feel worth something. It’s achieved through so many things, being creative, expressing myself, being near people who care, doing things for others – things that matter, having others be interested in me. That last one is a weird one for me. I never realized how much of my self worth rests in knowing others have an interest in me. I’m not talking sexual desire (although that’s nice too) but rather just as I am interested in people and want to be around them and help them, people are interested in me and want to be around me and help me too.

So I’m working things out slowly. It’s a never ending process I’m afraid. Change is hard, acknowledging a need for change is hard. Life is hard. But I NEED to SHINE. And change is the ony way I can achieve that.

So shine on you crazy diamond, SHINE!!!

Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there’s a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the cross fire of childhood and stardom,
Blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter, come on you stranger,
You legend, you martyr, and shine!

You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
Rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions, come on you painter,
You piper, you prisoner, and shine!

Nobody knows where you are, how near or how far.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Pile on many more layers and I’ll be joining you there.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
And we’ll bask in the shadow of yesterday’s triumph,
And sail on the steel breeze.
Come on you boy child, you winner and loser,
Come on you miner for truth and delusion, and shine!


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Day 68 – What a great day…

Early I was talking to a friend and she asked how my day was. So of course I started reflecting on my day. It was a surprisingly good day even if there are things I wanted to do that I didn’t and I spent more money than I had anticipated. It was a hot sunny day and so I went out for a bit instead of  actually cleaning my house – which is part of my Saturday routine. I did do a decent vacuum of the downstairs rug, moved a couch and after I recovered from the shock cleaned under it, turned off the pilot light in my gas fireplace – which I was afraid to do as a spider had taken up residence in the area I had to put my hand to do the job, but the spider must have died and so with a few pathetic shrieky noises I got it done.

Last month my cordless landline had given up the ghost and I had replaced it, I hated the new phone I had gotten and found that the battery had issues, so I exchanged it for a much better brand and model that just happened to be on sale for the same amount as the hated phone. I ran some errands. Bought miss 14 some new books at the local bookstore. Got myself a new shirt (actually had bought that for 14 too, but when we got home we found it was a size too big for her, soooo score for me!). I also picked out some absolutely adorable little outfits for little miss Meadow <3. Aaaaand had a brief opportunity to chat with my friend ;).

Currently, as I am typing this up, I am waiting for the dye in my hair to finish developing so I can go rinse it out. And once that is done I will relax for a bit with my favourite 14 yr old and then I will go to bed. Seriously what a great day.

 


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Day 43 – Short and sweet…

It’s mid May and we here on the west coast of Canada are being spoiled rotten. It was a balmy 27 c today, with cooling breezes and brilliant sunshine. This makes me happy.