myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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Days 48 & 49 – Sharing, I have trust issues…

All in all I have had a good weekend! I am feeling happy and content. I have had a nice time with my kids. I pretty much did nothing all day yesterday – which was great. I cleaned and re-organized my room on Saturday afternoon. I wore my new cargo pants today and felt great, self confidant and dare I say maybe even a little bit sexy.

In some ways this 100 days of something is feeling a bit diary-ish, which is not really my intent and in many ways is going against my whole reason for starting a blog. I never intended to share parts of my personal life here. Yet here I am, and I suppose this is how I show my reader’s parts of me. There is just a lot going on in my life right now. Mostly things I am not sure about sharing. And yet they are the things that are contributing to my being happy. I am not really good at sharing intimate details. Truthfully I am a very secretive and private creature. I am not as trusting as I used to be or as I would like to think I am.

In all honesty there is a part of me that feels that I cannot share my personal life here because I worry about who might see it. Not that I have anything going on that I need to hide, or that I have not shared with my closest friends. But that being said I have come from a relationship – a 20 year marriage – where I was spied on, monitored and controlled. I was made to feel guilty every time I left the house, sometimes even for going to work. I was given zero privacy, he even read my diaries, and then used guilt to justify it. “I missed you so much I had to read it to feel close to you”. Yet he was so good at covering his own tracks and hiding what he was doing.

Perhaps the hardest part for me is that I still have to have contact with him because my girls still see him, he is still part  of their lives and I would never prohibit them from having a relationship with him due to my own feelings. That would be wrong. If they choose to not have contact that is one thing but I could never stand in the way.

I am amazed though that I have made it this far, I am stronger than I ever thought I was and that is truly something. I can do this, I will do this, and I am happy that I can say that and truly believe it… 🙂


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Back to school and the ‘where am I headed’ conundrum…

The back to school schedule is finally falling into place, and a feeling of normal is slowly coming to be. So why do I feel so restless? I need to make changes because I feel so disconnected from the whole process. “What process?” I hear you ask. Good question. You know the whole life thing. I just don’t know where to begin. I need a new job. My current one is stagnant  – working for a non-profit I have found that due to funding limitations there is no room for job growth, promotion or financial raises. This of course leaves me feeling very unmotivated to aspire to the best working me I can be. In actuality it leaves me dreading getting up in the morning. I am feeling like “why should I haul my ass out of bed just to repeat the same old, same old?”. Nothing changes. I can actually be gone for 2 full weeks and after an afternoon I am completely caught up like I had never been away at all. Seriously how sad is that? I NEED variety. I NEED challenge. I NEED growth and the opportunity to manage myself.

I am thinking of ideas. But at the end of a day that has left me feeling blah and utterly exhausted and emotionally drained looking and/or planning for something else is difficult. Not impossible but difficult. I have dinner to make, homework to review, dreams to listen too, chores to handout and complete. The days are full, they just feel empty and void of meaning. I spend 9+ hrs of my day away from my home and family, and spend maybe 5 hrs a day with my family. Yes 5 tired hours that also are filled with chores and commitments that take away from the quality this time could, should hold.

This time management schedule seems out of whack to me. There is no life work balance happening here. The scale is fairly balanced for time, if I include weekends and take commute time into account my waking hours are divided roughly in half as either at work (or traveling to and from) or at home (or on my own schedule). But the quality of my time is what I am questioning. I think I should come home feeling good, not wiped, ready to be with my family, not wanting to hit the shower and straight to bed. I am literally trading half of my waking life in exchange for feeling down, unmotivated and not enough money to survive. (I only make it financially as I receive additional Government support because I am considered low income.)

OK I suppose that this is the way society has programed things. However… HOWEVER… I do think that one should not be bored, stressed, unmotivated, and borderline ill for literally half of their lives. I just know that this is not how it is meant to be. If this monotony is the way it has to be  then we should at least be earning enough in compensation for more than paying the bills and wondering why there is no extra funds to do fun and enjoyable things with the ones we love as a counter to the lack of time we have to offer them.

I had this on my mind the other nite, and sadly I woke with the thought “I am a loser!” in my head. This greatly disturbed me. I am NOT a loser. But I am led to occasionally feel this way when I am unable to provide the things I wish to, or to participate in my kids lives the way I want to. I want to be able to volunteer to chaperone a field trip once in awhile. Or to have the means to have a get away weekend just because. I want to be compensated for my time away from the home adequately to enjoy my life. I am speaking both financially as well as emotionally. On the financial end it would be amazing to be able to take an actual vacation. (I take staycations… you know you have time off but no money to actually go anywhere sooo…) But I would love to say “hey we are going to _____ for Christmas, or the weekend, or spring break or…. so pack your bags girls!!!

And on the emotional side I want to be able to fulfill my personal, emotional, esteem and passion needs via my work. (Then it really isn’t work now is it?) And I know if this is happening then the emotional benefits will spill over into my every day family/home life and all will benefit.

I know that some reading this will not be able to relate and may even think I am just being a whiner, so be it. They make enough to get by and then some. They actually like or even love their job. I say Congratulations from the bottom of my heart – I am so happy for you! (for real – no sarcasm here I am happy for you). But I also know that there are many of you out there who know exactly what I am talking about. I am not necessarily complaining per se. I am actually very grateful I have a full time job that pays the bills.(hence the reason I do not just yell “Fuck it!” and walk out the door) But I just feel like there is so much missing. I want more.

I feel trapped where I am. And I am wondering how does one break free? How does one get to the other place? (besides marrying a sugar daddy – there’s a whole other kettle of dissatisfied fish, or inheriting the money from a long lost rich relative…)

OK but seriously all kidding aside HOW? there are a million people out there claiming they have the answers but they all want those of us who are seeking to pay them big bucks for those answers. And I already know what works for you, may not work for me. Also I have found reading self help, and blogs, and articles that most point in the direction without ever actually answering any of the questions. I KNOW the direction already. I know the generalities of the plan. I understand the so called methodology. It’s the putting it all together. There is where I seem to have issues. I don’t want any one to actually do it for me. I just need some answers from some one, some idea as to how I am to connect the dots. In the end I should have a picture, a recognizable picture – not some abstract, needs interpretation, image.

I don’t know maybe I just want more than is realistic… but I don’t think so. I really believe there is more. I just have to keep believing and keep planning and keep moving forward. Eventually it will all fall into place and I will smile and say “I did it!”