myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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Death by complacency…

Do you think it is possible to die from complacency? Do you think our dreams and desires can just wither up and blow away in the wind? Do you believe that each person has a purpose? That every one of us is unique by design and has some sort of special function in society? A divine reason to be? Or do we just exist, be born, work, pay bills, get old, die?

I am starting to believe that complacency is the rot that slowly eats away at the soul leaving us to wander as metaphorical zombies through life. I think it consumes our moral fibre, it kills hope, desire, morale, incentive… causes us to just give up, and leaves behind a resounding cry of “meh, good enough.”

You know the catch phrases: “It’s the way it is and the way it’s always been.” “Get with the program.” “Your dreams won’t pay the bills or put food on your plate.” “Grow up and get your head out of the clouds.” “Just work harder and you’ll eventually catch your break.” blah, blah, blah the voices of the disenfranchised. (I gave up on my dreams now it’s your turn…)

As a society we seem to suffer from a severe case of settling. It’s easier to conform to the routine of life than to take the plunge and do what we were meant to do; LIVE! Fear holds back the masses. “But this is how it’s supposed to be, right?” but if this is how it’s meant to be then why, oh why are we all so unhappy, so blah, going through the motions eagerly pleading for our days off to arrive quickly, yet never feeling like they are enough? Working at jobs that we find mediocre at best just to barely pay the bills, never having that extra bit that we swear we will start setting aside next payday, every payday, so that one day we can do whatever that dream of ours is… buy a boat, go on vacation, get the tools or art supplies or technology to make it a reality.

This morning on the way to work I was listening to the radio, I discovered that minimum wage is going up again: $0.40 an hour, come this September. I’m not sure that is going to make a huge difference to people trying to survive on it but it’s a step in the right direction. Anyways the announcers went on to say that according to recent studies in order for people to survive above the “poverty line” in the area I live minimum wage would need to be $17.10 per hour. That is more than I currently make an hour and is $6.85 more than the current minimum wage. No wonder so many people seem to have given up. No wonder complacency has enveloped the masses. We are tired of fighting a losing battle. An invisible war between the haves and the have-nots. And I am not just talking about people here, those who have and those who have-not, but rather dreams, I’m referencing the war of have and have-not for our dreams.

The sacrifices we have made, most likely not even on a conscious level, in order to survive (barely) in a society that promises to provide and give in abundance if we would just work a little harder, give a little more, yet in the end it only seems  to take and continues to demand more! more! more! until there is nothing left. Nothing but an empty husk that was once ripe and full of dreams and now is barren and withered like an old woman’s womb.

I seem to cycle through my complacency. It hits in waves. A wave crashes down and I feel so overwhelmed by it I cannot fathom moving forward. Then it recedes and I feel the sun’s warmth, I see it’s brilliance and I am filled with hope. I struggle to upright myself, to make my way across the beach, just as another wave crashes down on me. But I will not give up. Even if I have to crawl across the beach, enduring the pummeling waves. I will make it, I can see the line where the waves give way and cannot reach… I will make it. How about you?


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Longings of the heart…

Some days it seems that my heart drifts… it goes to places my brain had forgotten about a long time ago. Places my mind cannot even fathom. These places involve people, people I know and love, people I have yet to meet, romantic notions, friendships and sometimes even dreams – not the kind of dreams I experience in the wee hours of the nite while sleeping, but rather the kind that I twist my thoughts around when contemplating the future. These dreams again are sometimes about people or places, but more often than not they are about inspirations, inclinations, and fantasies. They are about the things I wish could fill up all of my time. They are the desires of my heart.

My heart… it disagrees with my mind sometimes. My mind goes to logical places. My mind looks at things like budgeting my money so the bills get paid. It likes to create menus so that I buy actual food when I go grocery shopping. Laundry, dishes, chores, going to work, planning time with kids, etc… my mind is preoccupied with the daily duties of life. My mind says stability is good. My brain says conform, blend in, do not make trouble, do not cause waves. Do what must be done to get by. Do not take chances. Do not voice opinions. Put your head down move forward, obey the rules, survive.

Oh, but my heart, my heart can’t fathom these things. My heart says NO! It says it loudly! It argues with my poor brain. When my heart throws a tantrum it is filled with an explosion colour and emotion, I become absent minded, it’s hard to concentrate on the daily duties. I can’t seem to think straight, my breathing is erratic; my head is filled with poetry and song. My senses are heightened; every sound magnified, every scent intoxicating, I become oblivious to the ordinary, and wander about with my head in the clouds. My thoughts they are cluttered as they race about in my head. It’s such a beautiful way to get lost.

My heart, it wants to taste the world; it longs to see with its own eyes what can only be dreamt about in the quiet of the nite. It wants to create. It throws caution to the wind. My heart says live on the edge, take risks, make mistakes, get messy, be creative, fly, run, be free! My heart likes to wander through meadows, hike through hidden trails, explore abandoned places and seek adventure. It sings songs whose words have long been forgotten by humanity, it paints pictures with colours that do not have names. It yearns for love that cannot be contained, craves sensuality, adventure and reckless abandon. My heart thinks it is invincible.

My brain knows differently. It understands that I am fallible, and mortal.

But, but, but… my heart cries out, it cannot bear the idea of merely existing, when it could be living… and deep down my brain wishes it could just let go, and follow the longings of my heart, my crazy, wonderful, eager heart…


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Change… it’s a coming…

I have had a hard time getting into the swing of things since the holidays. I had nearly two full weeks off, and getting back to schedule has been very hard. I am only just recently back to sleeping regularly. As for writing: I haven’t been blogging regularly and I haven’t been journaling regularly either. I feel a bit out of synch. It’s nothing in particular; it’s not sadness, or being too busy. I am, if anything, feeling listless. There is so much, too much going on around me and I can “feel” it in the air. That sounds so corny. But seriously I am feeling like there is major change coming. Everything around me feels restless. And in the midst of it I am having trouble focusing and getting settled.

I have big expectations for me and my family this year. I truly believe that major things are ahead – they may be down the road aways… like in the next few years. But I feel good about it. Change is kind of exciting. Why did I always fear it?

I know that we will be moving soon. My eldest daughter, and her family share the house we are renting – they have a suite downstairs; me and her 2 sisters are upstairs. But it is time to consider parting ways – we are both feeling it. No hard feelings it’s just time.

A part of me wants to just head across Canada and see where I end up. But I will have to wait on that as my 15 year old is just finishing her grade 10 year and is feeling stable here and I promised her that I would do whatever I can to ensure that she would do grades 11 & 12 at the same school (with the exception of situations beyond my control – of course). So it looks like I will be staying here in this town until at least July 2015.

OK so what I am trying to say? Good question. I’m saying I feel change in the air and in the midst of it I am feeling very out of synch with it. And so I am pushing forward while trying to not lose sight of my ‘bucket list’. I need to aim towards the goals and dreams I set down. Sometimes in the face of day-to-day it is easy to set our dreams aside. To forget them, label them as unrealistic or immature, and let them fade into the distance until they are no more. But then life becomes extremely dull, and tedious, even painful to endure. I must keep my eyes on my dreams, yet I must also allow for those dreams to change and evolve, as I make progress and grow.

I need to be loose enough to go with life’s flow, yet focused enough to keep my eyes on what I want. I need to keep pushing forward, not tossed about to and fro, but stable, without being rigid. Life is always changing, it’s so easy to get left behind, and not even know it until it’s too late.

Yea, change is coming and it’s a good thing….

KT Tunstall – Hold On (with lyrics)