myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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Day 1 of 100 ~ something to be grateful for…

Today I have been receiving a message. One I already knew but somewhere along the way forgot. The message is to just be myself. My true and real self. That the only way I can find love, acceptance and  ‘Happy’ is by being myself. You know ‘Happy’ the place where we find inner peace and let go of stress and anxiety… yea that place.

So today, day 1 of 100, I am grateful for the reminder to just be myself.

Being myself happens when I begin to stop judging myself. Constantly wondering how well I did at being myself is not being myself. Carefully mapping out a strategy to be myself is not being myself. It is only when I begin to let go of trying hard to be myself that I can begin to embrace my actual self. ~ Steve Weins

 

be-yourself-2


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Nano-NO-wrimo… and the commitment to stop taking on more than I can handle…

So I find myself staring at the calendar realizing it is November 1st and all I can think is “where has this year gone?” This past month I have survived the birthdays, with Canadian Thanksgiving wedged in between them, and Halloween. Of course there is still more to come, birthdays this month, and the ‘C’ word coming up in December. A co-worker really put it into perspective for me the other day when she mentioned off the cuff that we had just over 6 weeks till Christmas Holidays. I know she was just being nice and making small talk but I heard something more along the lines of “&# @!*’# $%&!!” just a long string of cussing. Christmas! really?!?! Wow! Excuse me while I stress puke into my garbage bin.

So back to November. This year I have decided that I will not be doing Nanowrimo, I had wanted to but I know I am not in the frame of mind for such an endeavour and I think that setting myself up for that kind of disappointment, you know that overwhelming and prevailing sense of defeat and failure that is inevitable because you decided all half-assed at the last minute to attempt something that needs an actual commitment, yea that, well it’s not beneficial or healthy and I just don’t need that kind of self abuse, thank-you very much. Anyways if I already know that I am not going to  be able to fully commit to the project then I might as well just say NO. I am hoping that I will try it again next year though. I think that right now I have to get back to writing my blog on a more consistent level. And once I am back to a routine of sorts I will be feel like I am actually achieving something and perhaps that will make me feel just a wee bit happier. Because that feeling, the one of accomplishment, is one that is beneficial and healthy, it just kind of lifts you up.

Of course as I am writing this I get an email notification, from… duh, duh, duh – Nanowrimo!!! it’s OK though, I want to keep my account with them active so I don’t have to make a new one, I just thought the timing was ironic.

I think the point I am getting at here is that sometimes we  – I – put way too much pressure on ourselves – myself – to do this or that, when we know we are not in the frame of mind, or have already got a way too crazy schedule, etc, to accomplish whatever this or that was, and then we beat ourselves up for failing. We need – I need – to learn to say no… even to ourselves, especially to ourselves. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves? Why do we choose to set ourselves up for the fall? Why is it easier to let ourselves down than to stand on what we know? I am not saying commit to nothing and that way you can’t fail – that to me is the ultimate failure. But what I am saying is stop biting off more than we can chew, and be realistic and truly committed to the things we choose to do. One well done completed project that we can be proud of sure beats 10 half-assed unfinished, resented projects that leave us wallowing in the mire of self pity. So start saying NO, unless of course we really want it and know we can and will commit to it and see it thru to the end. It’s called counting the cost. I think this is my new commitment to myself.

so let me leave with this thought today…

 

And now that you don’t have to be perfect,
you can be good.
John Steinbeck

perfect

 


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I’m Packing Up My Old Clothes…

This weekend is the Labour Day long weekend here in Canada, and it marks the ‘end’ of summer as this Tuesday the day after Labour Day marks the first day back to school for the new academic year. I feel like I have so much organizing to do this weekend. Not just for my kids but for myself as well. I really believe that 2013 for me and my family (mostly me) has been a year of endings, a year of wrapping things up, packing old boxes full of unwanted things and giving them away, it’s been a year of purging and cleansing. And for me 2014 marks a year of new beginnings. Where this comes from I don’t really know, I just feel it deep inside the deep dark spaces in my soul where there is peace and certainty even though everything around me is chaos.

There are so many things that I have wanted to accomplish for myself that as a parent (and a procrastinator) I keep putting aside. I spend so much time doing that which I don’t want to do in order to provide and take care of the things my kids need and in this process I somehow forget about myself – until of course I find myself frustrated and overwhelmed. This habit has to stop. Self care, self love is so important. How can I care for others if I am frazzled and burnt out? How can I give away clean untainted unconditional love if I have no idea what it looks like or feels like? I have to learn to make time for myself. And I have discovered that a huge part of this process is cleaning out my closets, both literal and proverbial. There are just so many things in those closets that I keep hanging on to for God knows what purpose even though they don’t fit any more, or perhaps they just are no longer who I am, they represent some-one that is no longer here. Keeping memories can be a precious and wonderful thing, hauling around a closet full of outdated crap – not so much.

So it is time to clean house and lighten the load. So I’m packing up my old clothes…

OLD CLOTHES – Randy Stonehill

TOYS FROM MY CHILDHOOD
OLD PHOTOGRAPHS
LEFT IN THIS DUSTY OLD SUITCASE
THE THINGS WE ONCE CHERISHED
ARE LOST WITH THE PAST
SEEK OUT THE TREASURE
THAT ALWAYS WILL LAST

Chorus:
SO I’M PACKING UP MY OLD CLOTHES
WITH MY OLD AND FOOLISH WAYS
THEY DON’T SEEM TO FIT ME ANY MORE
I SEE THE LIGHT OF MORNING
WITH DIFFERENT EYES TODAY
AND I’M GIVING MY TOMORROWS TO
THE LORD

SO MANY HEROES
THAT NEVER CAME THROUGH
TOO MANY ROADS GOING NOWHERE
AND JESUS WAS WHISPERING
“I STILL LOVE YOU”
AND WITH A LOVE THAT MAKES
ALL THINGS NEW

Chorus