myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours


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Shine!!!

I Need to SHINE!!!

I have been absent for quite sometime. Longer than I’m probably aware, the days have all been just a blur to me and I am still in shock that it’s already October. I would love to be able to tell you all that it’s because I found some amazing job and have been so busy I just lost track of time; or I could tell you that I have been diligently pounding the pavement searching for work and that the economy is just so bad I can’t find one. But either way that would be a lie. I have actually been rather lax in the job hunt, don’t get me wrong I need a job, but I just can’t bring myself to apply for another soul sucker, no matter how much it pays.

I have had so much weird and crazy stuff happen all at once in my life that I am grateful I wasn’t working, I probably would have had a complete meltdown if I’d had to actually fo to work through it all. My town had a bank robbery and hostage taking roughly a month and a half ago, the hostage was my daughter’s boyfriend’s mother, it hit far too close for comfort I’m afraid. My youngest went to go visit her brother and father in the neighbouring province – she’s been gone over a month now and isn’t sure when she is gonna head back, but she is coming back. My eldest gave her notice and then could not find a place, her landlady said no worries just let me know and you can stay here longer if needed. So she took a place that would have required her to stay an extra 2 weeks at her old place – of course by then the landlady changed her mind so I had my Daughter’s family stay at my place (2 adults, 3 kids, 2 cats and 3 guinea pigs – which I am allergic to all the pets) It was insane. So I deserted ship and went to visit a friend for a week which was amazing. All of this occurred the end of August/beginning of September. All is quite around here now, thankfully, but still I can’t seem to push myself I just keep procrastinating…

So what have I been doing since everything has calmed down? A lot of soul searching, a lot of both mental and physical purging. I’ve been preparing for major change, I’m not really sure what that change is just yet but I know it’s coming and I know it’s gonna be big.

What have I learned through my soul searching? I’ve learned tat there is still a lot of fear deep down inside me. I’ve learned that I have been unhappy for a very long time. Not that I haven’t had happy moments, or things to be happy for, but deep down there has been a stillness. I have realized that I need to do more for myself on a consistent level, not this weird haphazard way I tend to do things. I’ve realized that I am happiest when I have someone to do for (not meaning a relationship, but yes it could be). I need to do something big and important (at least something I see as important). I’ve learned that I need to shine. I want to shine. I have learned that in order to shine I need to be happy, and yet in order to be happy I have to be shining. I can’t have one without the other.

What is shining? It’s doing the things that illuminate my heart and make my life feel worth something. It’s achieved through so many things, being creative, expressing myself, being near people who care, doing things for others – things that matter, having others be interested in me. That last one is a weird one for me. I never realized how much of my self worth rests in knowing others have an interest in me. I’m not talking sexual desire (although that’s nice too) but rather just as I am interested in people and want to be around them and help them, people are interested in me and want to be around me and help me too.

So I’m working things out slowly. It’s a never ending process I’m afraid. Change is hard, acknowledging a need for change is hard. Life is hard. But I NEED to SHINE. And change is the ony way I can achieve that.

So shine on you crazy diamond, SHINE!!!

Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there’s a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the cross fire of childhood and stardom,
Blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter, come on you stranger,
You legend, you martyr, and shine!

You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
Rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions, come on you painter,
You piper, you prisoner, and shine!

Nobody knows where you are, how near or how far.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Pile on many more layers and I’ll be joining you there.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
And we’ll bask in the shadow of yesterday’s triumph,
And sail on the steel breeze.
Come on you boy child, you winner and loser,
Come on you miner for truth and delusion, and shine!


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Coming together…

Just a quick update:

I feel like things are slowly… V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W-L-Y… coming together. But coming together nonetheless.

I have recently tried my hand at transcribing as a means to make some pocket cash… I hate it for the most part, I am not very good at it – meaning I am slow which translates: “wow I think I made $3 an hour on that?!” but it pays weekly and I need the money…

I have also recently stumbled upon an opportunity for some freelancing. I am putting together a portfolio, and praying hard, as this is much more up my alley, and has the potential to actually be worth something. I’m kind of excited but trying not to get my hopes up too high as I am totally new to this experience. So we will see.


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Marriage, children and… sex?

For one reason or another I found myself perusing antidotal mommy blog’s this morning, it all started when I checked out a cute post about the “glamours” of mothering young children that someone had shared on FB. Anyways that post had links to other posts and somehow I ended up checking out a post regarding how “romance” changes after kids, and another that was berating glamour magazines and their suggestions for keeping the love life “spicy” after kids. And even though each of these articles was mildly amusing in reality I found them disturbing.

Apparently once a woman has had more than 1 child she is laughably no longer interested in romance, wooing or sex in any way shape or form and her new found ideal consists of her husband submissively catering to the North American sitcom version of marriage, (you know the family with the worn out, over bearing wife, the whipped husband and a gaggle of kids). The old fantasies of rampant, erotic sex have given way to new romantic fantasies that now consist of the husband trading in his Audi for a new mini-van, or compromising on the holidays and suggesting “let’s visit your family this year”. I don’t know about you but I was under the impression that such things were the standard give and take situations that made marriages work, not grand romantic gestures. Also these scenarios all ended with the woman being totally “turned on” yet making some excuse/reason why there would be no intimacy.

I am curious if women really do lose their desire for sex after the second child comes along, because they are rattled, and just too damned exhausted (I never had this problem – with the exception of perhaps the first month or two after the new bundle of cuteness had arrived, which according to this mornings reading makes me a weirdo). According to the stereotypes I exposed myself to today, after the first baby comes a woman can do a child headcount of how many times she’s had sex since. To me this isn’t really all that funny, I actually find it rather sad. I get being tired, I get having days where you’re not interested, I understand that there are times when you don’t give a rat’s ass about anything cuz you’re just friggin’ done. But that’s normal, kids or no kids. We all have days where life knocks us down, the stress is too much, and we just want to wear track pants forever and live off of cereal cuz it’s easy. But heaven forbid that having children sucks you down to that type of existence all.the.time.

I suppose these articles left me feeling like why on earth did these women have kids if it made their life suck so much that they can’t even find a few moments each week to love themselves, and their spouses and enjoy being married. Having children does not strip us of our dignity. It does not, or at least should not, smother our desire to be wanted, or our need for both self love and received love.

I have been noticing as of late that there are a lot of stereotypes out there regarding marriage and motherhood and they are extremely unhealthy (also fatherhood, but that’s another blog post). These stereotypes are not funny, I find them comparable to the female stereotyping of yes=no, no=yes, if she’s into sex she’s a slut, if she’s not she’s a prude. All single women are bimbos who use men for money, unless they are self sufficient in which case they are hard core bitches that hate men. And if you’re married you must be “the old ball and chain” and if you have had kids then your sex life is dead and your husband is a pussy whipped weakling who on one hand doesn’t want to upset you and on the other hand is completely useless and oblivious and so he is always upsetting you. (talk about a catch 22)

Why do we seem to typify things in a negative manner?

I’m not sure this post went in the direction I was thinking when I started typing. I am not sure I am effectively portraying how I feel or saying what I wish to say. All I know for sure is that what started out as some light humorous reading ended with me feeling a bit miffed and frustrated.