musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours

Marriage, children and… sex?


For one reason or another I found myself perusing antidotal mommy blog’s this morning, it all started when I checked out a cute post about the “glamours” of mothering young children that someone had shared on FB. Anyways that post had links to other posts and somehow I ended up checking out a post regarding how “romance” changes after kids, and another that was berating glamour magazines and their suggestions for keeping the love life “spicy” after kids. And even though each of these articles was mildly amusing in reality I found them disturbing.

Apparently once a woman has had more than 1 child she is laughably no longer interested in romance, wooing or sex in any way shape or form and her new found ideal consists of her husband submissively catering to the North American sitcom version of marriage, (you know the family with the worn out, over bearing wife, the whipped husband and a gaggle of kids). The old fantasies of rampant, erotic sex have given way to new romantic fantasies that now consist of the husband trading in his Audi for a new mini-van, or compromising on the holidays and suggesting “let’s visit your family this year”. I don’t know about you but I was under the impression that such things were the standard give and take situations that made marriages work, not grand romantic gestures. Also these scenarios all ended with the woman being totally “turned on” yet making some excuse/reason why there would be no intimacy.

I am curious if women really do lose their desire for sex after the second child comes along, because they are rattled, and just too damned exhausted (I never had this problem – with the exception of perhaps the first month or two after the new bundle of cuteness had arrived, which according to this mornings reading makes me a weirdo). According to the stereotypes I exposed myself to today, after the first baby comes a woman can do a child headcount of how many times she’s had sex since. To me this isn’t really all that funny, I actually find it rather sad. I get being tired, I get having days where you’re not interested, I understand that there are times when you don’t give a rat’s ass about anything cuz you’re just friggin’ done. But that’s normal, kids or no kids. We all have days where life knocks us down, the stress is too much, and we just want to wear track pants forever and live off of cereal cuz it’s easy. But heaven forbid that having children sucks you down to that type of existence all.the.time.

I suppose these articles left me feeling like why on earth did these women have kids if it made their life suck so much that they can’t even find a few moments each week to love themselves, and their spouses and enjoy being married. Having children does not strip us of our dignity. It does not, or at least should not, smother our desire to be wanted, or our need for both self love and received love.

I have been noticing as of late that there are a lot of stereotypes out there regarding marriage and motherhood and they are extremely unhealthy (also fatherhood, but that’s another blog post). These stereotypes are not funny, I find them comparable to the female stereotyping of yes=no, no=yes, if she’s into sex she’s a slut, if she’s not she’s a prude. All single women are bimbos who use men for money, unless they are self sufficient in which case they are hard core bitches that hate men. And if you’re married you must be “the old ball and chain” and if you have had kids then your sex life is dead and your husband is a pussy whipped weakling who on one hand doesn’t want to upset you and on the other hand is completely useless and oblivious and so he is always upsetting you. (talk about a catch 22)

Why do we seem to typify things in a negative manner?

I’m not sure this post went in the direction I was thinking when I started typing. I am not sure I am effectively portraying how I feel or saying what I wish to say. All I know for sure is that what started out as some light humorous reading ended with me feeling a bit miffed and frustrated.


Author: myspokenheart

Blogger, life lover, silly-hearted daydreamer...

7 thoughts on “Marriage, children and… sex?

  1. I’ve wondered about these stereotypes too and questioned how true they are. I’ve been a single mom doing it all myself since day 1, 11 years ago, with a second child now but definitely have always desired sex, to be wanted, and loved. I love and take care of myself. There needs to be balance between giving (to your children all the time) and receiving (in order to keep your glass full so you don’t burn out). A happy, healthy marriage should be a priority, not only for the couple but to set an example for their children.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “I’m not sure this post went in the direction I was thinking when I started typing”

    If I had a nickel . . . Hahaha! That made me chuckle. When my kids were little (of course I had four) I related so differently to myself. I was no longer a woman. I was a mom. I did not feel sexy. I felt useful. I felt incredibly needed, which is a good feeling, but when I went to bed I did not want to be needed any more. I wanted to sleep so if I was wakened in the middle of the night I would be ready to be needed again. As they grew and needed me less (and I loved having teenagers) I felt sexy again. Life was busy, but fun. I was really into showing my children that women could be more than useful.

    You inspire me to write more. Thanks for that. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Andrea, honesty and courage will get you… anywhere. Touché! -Paul

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think you make your point very well and did make me laugh a few times. I imagine the “desires” of a married woman with children are largely dependant on whatever else is going on in the home and I also imagine many men feel the same. Maybe the donuts who write these things aren’t even married and their research more based on sitcoms.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I find it sad that children, or motherhood, or minivans have killed someone’s sex life.
    Like you, we had lot less sex when the babies were newborns, because well, life. We did take hotel rooms after those 6-week check-ups tho, and certainly we made up for lost time! (Okay, so the breast pump went too, but it can’t all be sex!)
    In our years of marriage, our sex life reflects time allotted. It waxes and wanes with the ebb of other things that take our time. Sometimes lots of sex (homecomings, time off work, kids in school, vacations, waiting for a new job to start.) Sometimes no sex (deployments, training, sick kids.) Sometimes it’s a matter of taking time to make arrangements and get time alone! I’ve never found either of us to lack desire. Sometimes energy, lotsa times time, but no, not a sexless marriage because of children. That makes me sad.
    I don’t know anything about romance, but doing little things goes a long way, sex or no sex. That’s my romance.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Ultimately a lot of these articles are written by women, which is even scarier to me because it’s disrespectful. We’re not all one great big pile of female lump. We are all unique and individual in our wants in life.

    Sadly, many people have children because it’s “what’s expected of them” and not because they ever truly desired a family. I’ll probably never understand the desire to blend into the woodwork of the world.

    Great post. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. It sounds like the stereotypical marriage with children is in fact portrayed very accurately in that old sitcom “Married with Children” 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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