musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours

A dose of hard truths…


Currently I am out of sorts. I am in a state of turmoil and things are just not going as planned. (But when do they ever, right?) Financially I feel like everything is falling apart, and yet I have managed to remain fairly calm thus far. I guess deep down I know that falling apart is counter productive. I had been receiving rental assistance to supplement my income, which was a decent amount due to having claimed bankruptcy, it was very welcome and helpful. I also was receiving fairly regular support payments. Everything has changed over the course of the past 2 months. I was up for reassessment on my rental assistance and it was cut back to nearly nothing effect November 30th. I was expecting that however and so even though it will be hard I braced myself and said “I can do this!” The timing kind of sucks being so close to Christmas, but that’s life.

Now for the other part… My Ex is not emotionally or mentally stable. He has a history of being emotionally, verbally, spiritually and physically abusive. I believe he suffers from mental illness but he refuses to seek any form of help because “there is nothing wrong with him, I just paint him as a monster”. This is the reaction I get whenever I disagree with him. I need to start this by saying we have been separated for 5 1/2 years, and he has had a live with on and off again relationship for the past 2 1/2 to 3 of those years. Recently he broke off his relationship, yet again, but this time he decided that we should reconcile. I had a feeling that was what he wanted but he didn’t say so and I was not interested in breaching that conversation. Then two weeks ago Sunday he called me and asked me if I would be interested in reconciling. I said “NO”. I was very clear. He heard “IDK, maybe?”, and told me to think about it. Three days later I was asked why I had broken plans with him, he thought we were going to hang out on Remembrance day. I told him I was confused as I had not made plans with him, and I recapped the conversation we had had on the Sunday. He commented that he supposed it was just wishful thinking on his part and then went on to ask if I had gotten a chance to think about reconciliation. I again told him very clearly that I did not want to reconcile and that I did not see any future for us in a romantic capacity. I explained some of the why’s and tried my best to be kind. I thought it went OK. There had been no communication after that until late Saturday morning when I inquired via text when he would be depositing his support payment, I received no response. Again this morning I asked via text when and asked why he makes me ask for it every time (I know the reason is control, but that isn’t the point). I then received a text informing me that: “All gifts and money have been voluntary. I’m tired of your hate. No more texting it’s only for friends and family. You may email only from now on. As far as voluntary support I can send cheques in the mail at my earliest convenience… don’t rely on my money. I will not respond to texting from you from now on. Goodbye.” I just lost another large chunk of my monthly finances, because I do not want to reconcile with him. He is punishing his kids because he is hurt and angry with me. I will state here that up to this point it has been voluntary, we had mutually discussed it and came to an agreement that has remained somewhat tentative, yet relatively consistent.

I am at a loss. I have tried so hard to keep things courteous, to be polite, to maintain a level of friendship… no that’s not the right word, of civility. And he has walked all over me. Played mind games, used money as a weapon, and manipulated the situation every chance he could get as a means to stay in control. I am done. I can’t do it any more. I feel so defeated today. Tomorrow is another day. And I will be strong, as I always am. But fuck it’s hard. I wish I was in a place financially where I did not need support. In all honesty I am tired of him feeling justified and like I owe him.

These are things I keep generally secret. My.Personal.Life. I only discuss it on occasion with my closest friends, and for awhile I was seeing a counselor. I don’t air my dirty laundry. I don’t discuss the abuse. The manipulation. The heartache and betrayal. I don’t because then I have to admit to where I have been. I have to face what I’ve been through, am still going through. Then I have to discuss my part in all of this. The things I did myself, and the things I allowed all while living in denial. Denial was so much easier. (No it wasn’t, because I knew what I was in denial)…

Anyways, I will be looking into what assistance I can get to finalize my divorce and let the court rule on support. I know this is going to be ugly and hard. I would appreciate any and all prayers, positive thoughts, and encouragement and that you guys can send my way… And any advice from those of you who have been there would be appreciated too.


Author: myspokenheart

Blogger, life lover, silly-hearted daydreamer...

8 thoughts on “A dose of hard truths…

  1. There’s nothing worse than feeling the financial pinch, it reaches almost every aspect of our existence. It’s unfortunate you are having to ask for support payments and even worse for him if the courts rule a larger amount.

    It’s hard work maintaining denial, sometimes the running is more difficult than facing it. Often we try hard to paint that perfect life-picture, but it gets tiring holding it all in. It feels a real privilege to get a glimpse into your life… sending a lorry load of supportive vibes for a speedy resolution ;-0

    Liked by 1 person

  2. We have talked a bit about your ex. Andrea, untreated, mind games manipulation, twisting words and truth, as you know, are a part of his make up, part of his uncertainty. tis too bad he has not sought help. You are not his help though, and should feel no guilt, kk? What he has done and said will change, as it suits him. It would be wise to have the court system make the voluntary obligations to be something more regimental, something that you can depend on, budget around. It is so not fair to you, to be otherwise. You should not have to ask for this, there should be no strings attached either. It may be painful to go through the courts, but it will not be forever and then things will be clear. Establishing rules is very important.

    *super big hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sounds like a really tough situation, I hope you get it all sorted out (I know it’s going to take a while). He definitely needs to be paying something but if you have to wait for a court order that doesn’t help you in the mean time.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The financial support of his children isn’t voluntary, it’s legally called “Breach Of Promise”. He probably doesn’t realize how much more he’ll have to give you based on a judge’s ruling. You’re entitled to spousal support and you should ask for it in the divorce. Not to be cruel, but because you spent years in a marriage and you’re legally entitled to it. Even if it’s only until the kids all turn 18, you should still get it.

    Make sure you save any texts from him, etc., in case they need to be shown to a judge.

    I am SO sorry you have had to go through all of this. It breaks my heart, but I understand it 100%. Life isn’t all it’s painted out to be sometimes. There are very REAL struggles. I am here for you if ever you need an ear to listen.

    Liked by 1 person

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