Currently I am out of sorts. I am in a state of turmoil and things are just not going as planned. (But when do they ever, right?) Financially I feel like everything is falling apart, and yet I have managed to remain fairly calm thus far. I guess deep down I know that falling apart is counter productive. I had been receiving rental assistance to supplement my income, which was a decent amount due to having claimed bankruptcy, it was very welcome and helpful. I also was receiving fairly regular support payments. Everything has changed over the course of the past 2 months. I was up for reassessment on my rental assistance and it was cut back to nearly nothing effect November 30th. I was expecting that however and so even though it will be hard I braced myself and said “I can do this!” The timing kind of sucks being so close to Christmas, but that’s life.
Now for the other part… My Ex is not emotionally or mentally stable. He has a history of being emotionally, verbally, spiritually and physically abusive. I believe he suffers from mental illness but he refuses to seek any form of help because “there is nothing wrong with him, I just paint him as a monster”. This is the reaction I get whenever I disagree with him. I need to start this by saying we have been separated for 5 1/2 years, and he has had a live with on and off again relationship for the past 2 1/2 to 3 of those years. Recently he broke off his relationship, yet again, but this time he decided that we should reconcile. I had a feeling that was what he wanted but he didn’t say so and I was not interested in breaching that conversation. Then two weeks ago Sunday he called me and asked me if I would be interested in reconciling. I said “NO”. I was very clear. He heard “IDK, maybe?”, and told me to think about it. Three days later I was asked why I had broken plans with him, he thought we were going to hang out on Remembrance day. I told him I was confused as I had not made plans with him, and I recapped the conversation we had had on the Sunday. He commented that he supposed it was just wishful thinking on his part and then went on to ask if I had gotten a chance to think about reconciliation. I again told him very clearly that I did not want to reconcile and that I did not see any future for us in a romantic capacity. I explained some of the why’s and tried my best to be kind. I thought it went OK. There had been no communication after that until late Saturday morning when I inquired via text when he would be depositing his support payment, I received no response. Again this morning I asked via text when and asked why he makes me ask for it every time (I know the reason is control, but that isn’t the point). I then received a text informing me that: “All gifts and money have been voluntary. I’m tired of your hate. No more texting it’s only for friends and family. You may email only from now on. As far as voluntary support I can send cheques in the mail at my earliest convenience… don’t rely on my money. I will not respond to texting from you from now on. Goodbye.” I just lost another large chunk of my monthly finances, because I do not want to reconcile with him. He is punishing his kids because he is hurt and angry with me. I will state here that up to this point it has been voluntary, we had mutually discussed it and came to an agreement that has remained somewhat tentative, yet relatively consistent.
I am at a loss. I have tried so hard to keep things courteous, to be polite, to maintain a level of friendship… no that’s not the right word, of civility. And he has walked all over me. Played mind games, used money as a weapon, and manipulated the situation every chance he could get as a means to stay in control. I am done. I can’t do it any more. I feel so defeated today. Tomorrow is another day. And I will be strong, as I always am. But fuck it’s hard. I wish I was in a place financially where I did not need support. In all honesty I am tired of him feeling justified and like I owe him.
These are things I keep generally secret. My.Personal.Life. I only discuss it on occasion with my closest friends, and for awhile I was seeing a counselor. I don’t air my dirty laundry. I don’t discuss the abuse. The manipulation. The heartache and betrayal. I don’t because then I have to admit to where I have been. I have to face what I’ve been through, am still going through. Then I have to discuss my part in all of this. The things I did myself, and the things I allowed all while living in denial. Denial was so much easier. (No it wasn’t, because I knew what I was in denial)…
Anyways, I will be looking into what assistance I can get to finalize my divorce and let the court rule on support. I know this is going to be ugly and hard. I would appreciate any and all prayers, positive thoughts, and encouragement and that you guys can send my way… And any advice from those of you who have been there would be appreciated too.