Today has been a tough day. I don’t know why but I am feeling down. There is no big thing that has happened, no major change in the weather (mind you that would mean sunshine so I would welcome that). But I just feel BLAH! I am OK on the surface, life is normal, all is as it usually is, and yet…
I feel lonely, I feel exhausted, I feel like I’m tired of holding it all togehter and being strong. I want to be allowed to fall apart. I want to know that if I don’t go to work for a day or a week it’ll be ok and I will still be able to pay the rent. I want strong arms to wrap around me, just because.
I am not saying life is crap, but I am saying I feel kind of crappy. I feel overwhelmed by being a single parent sometimes. And truth is I am very much a single parent. The ‘dad’ is only a ‘dad’ when he feels like it and usually his involvement is a form of passive agressive control and manipulation. He makes me more exhausted than the kids ever do. I am still very much learning to just say no. To not bail him out by reminding him of commitments and promises. I have always done this because I don’t want the girls to feel the let down, but it is not my job to parent him too. This is hard for me. But very necessary.
I think I need more ‘me time’. And to be perfectly honest I have no idea what actual me time looks like. I don’t know how to create it and enforce it. I have no idea even where to begin. But have recognized that I need this, on a somewhat regular basis.
I do not want to air my dirty laundry here, I am a very private person most of the time. But I am realizing that I need to communicate where I am at and how I am feeling. I need to let it go and release it. I feel angry and resentful at a man that I gave my youth too. I was a happy, vibrant, fun person – yes I was also very serious and a deep thinker, but I was adventurous and creative and excited about life. And now I am untrusting, fearful, angry, resentful and I hate feeling like this. I still catch glimpses of my former self, and she is a lot of fun, she is vibrant and happy, but she is also leary and hides a lot. I keep people at arms length. I hide. I need to stop hiding. I need to shed the negative feelings that keep getting stirred up. I need to start being really honest about where I have been in my life, so that I can start moving forward to a comfortable place.