myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours

A tough day, and some dirty laundry…

12 Comments

Today has been a tough day. I don’t know why but I am feeling down. There is no big thing that has happened, no major change in the weather (mind you that would mean sunshine so I would welcome that). But I just feel BLAH! I am OK on the surface, life is normal, all is as it usually is, and yet…

I feel lonely, I feel exhausted, I feel like I’m tired of holding it all togehter and being strong. I want to be allowed to fall apart. I want to know that if I don’t go to work for a day or a week it’ll be ok and I will still be able to pay the rent. I want strong arms to wrap around me, just because.

I am not saying life is crap, but I am saying I feel kind of crappy. I feel overwhelmed by being a single parent sometimes. And truth is I am very much a single parent. The ‘dad’ is only a ‘dad’ when he feels like it and usually his involvement is a form of passive agressive control and manipulation. He makes me more exhausted than the kids ever do. I am still very much learning to just say no. To not bail him out by reminding him of commitments and promises. I have always done this because I don’t want the girls to feel the let down, but it is not my job to parent him too. This is hard for me. But very necessary.

I think I need more ‘me time’. And to  be perfectly honest I have no idea what actual me time looks like. I don’t know how to create it and enforce it. I have no idea even where to begin. But have recognized that I need this, on a somewhat regular basis.

I do not want to air my dirty laundry here, I am a very private person most of the time. But I am realizing that I need to communicate where I am at and how I am feeling. I need to let it go and release it. I feel angry and resentful at a man that I gave my youth too. I was a happy, vibrant, fun person – yes I was also very serious and a deep thinker, but I was adventurous and creative and excited about life. And now I am untrusting, fearful, angry, resentful and I hate feeling like this. I still catch glimpses of my former self, and she is a lot of fun, she is vibrant and happy, but she is also leary and hides a lot. I keep people at arms length. I hide. I need to stop hiding. I need to shed the negative feelings that keep getting stirred up. I need to start being really honest about where I have been in my life, so that I can start moving forward to a comfortable place.

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Author: myspokenheart

Blogger, life lover, silly-hearted daydreamer...

12 thoughts on “A tough day, and some dirty laundry…

  1. you have a right
    to your feelings
    ~
    sometimes
    writing
    helps unleash some
    of the burden

    Like

  2. I’ve never been a parent, but appreciate that when you give your all and then some more (on behalf of Dad), it must be so easy to lose a sense of who you are. Try not to beat yourself up for feeling down spirited, sometimes feeling crappy is justified.

    Like

  3. I see what you meant by perfect timing – funny how that works 🙂 Although it’s hard right now, it sounds like you’re moving towards something beautiful; creating more space for YOU. Be gentle with yourself – and don’t hold back ❤

    Like

  4. It’s great that you stepped outside of yourself and shared how you are feeling today. Funny how it’s when I am feeling down that I feel that I also have to hide. We are all just as wonderful as we are whether we are “on” or not. Thanks for modeling the way, talking about how you feel, it helped me feel better and hope it did the same for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I get days like that too, when I can’t put my finger on why I feel down, I just do. I hope it passes for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think it will pass quickly, its probably a combo of a few things going on. It’s just weird when you catch yourself feeling down and new realizations about things that need work come floating to the surface. Like that thing was niggling at your brain and the cause of emotional fluctuations and it was all subconscious.
      (hugs)

      Like

  6. You’re doing your best. Take care of you too. Don’t forget to make yourself a priority.

    Liked by 1 person

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