I have not written an official post in over a month. Why? I can’t really say. It’s not for lack of wanting to. And yet I just haven’t posted. I’ve had some ideas here and there but usually by the time I get to a computer and have the opportunity to write I can’t remember what these great ideas were. I have gotten thru the busy time of year for me. 2 teenaged girl birthdays in a span of 11 days and Thanksgiving weekend nestled in with them. But I don’t think that is the problem either, hectic maybe but not the problem. I would love to say that I have not written because I have been far too busy in the throws of love, enraptured in some glorious affair with a man who adores me and spoils me rotten, but alas that is but a mere fantasy… sigh. Truthfully I have just been unmotivated, and perhaps a bit blah. I do not want to use this place as a journal, or as a place to ‘bitch n moan’. This blog was created as a means to express my creativity, and for expressing my opinions and ideas.
It is not only my writing that has taken a back seat lately either, I have not been reading, drawing, colouring, singing, cooking/baking nothing creative I’m afraid. So yesterday I sat myself down and spent roughly 30 minutes playing with clay. I made an abstract bunny, base don something I saw on pinterest, and a calla lily (which my daughter informed me looked very phallic – my response of course was to be very mature and call her a perv). I have determined that once the clay is dry I will paint/colour them. I really need to commit to doing something creative each week, for my own sanity. One guaranteed thing a week is not a far stretch, it’s doable, and I believe it has the potential to grow from there once a pattern is set.
In all honesty I have been doing things to appease my more logical side, I have been acting like a left brainer. Doing Sudukos, and playing various versions of solitaire, and puzzle challenges. It’s like my brain has been needing exercise. I am working on things that are hard for me. Things that need discipline and logical clear thought. I have written about my need for boundaries before, and at the time was all hyped up and emotional about how I would be practicing expressing my true feelings and actually doing something about boundaries, but alas it was that creative emotional right brained bullshit that I get so ensared in, and then it withered, as it always does, and I was left with a mess that I hid under the rug rather than cleaning up. I have realized that this is my pattern, my very unhealthy and unproductive pattern. I need to stop being so damned nice because in reality it isn’t nice at all, it’s just being a wimpy weiner and an asshole. I am robbing myself of peace – which ripples to the kids and into other areas of my life. And it is not being true to how I am really feeling, which in turn is stringing people along with false impressions of what is going on.
I have my fingers crossed that I can exercise some discipline, buckle down and do what I need to do on a continuous and consistent level. It will be hard at first, but I do know that it will be worth it and effect other areas of my life positively.