Today I went onto Pinterest for the first time in many months. I am surprised at the effect it has had on me. It has left me feeling wistful, edgy. I feel detached from life and like I am clawing at the edges of something, but I am not sure what that something is.
I am trying to analyze this and the closest to an “ah-ha” that I am getting is that I don’t desire to look at nifty pictures of far away places and cool projects. I want to go to these places, to get my hands dirty and do these projects. I am feeling like this lie that I am currently living is catching up with me and I am so very tired of it. I do not have any desire for going through the motions to make ends meet. I want to live. I want experience life, to experience all the cool stuff that excites me in this world.
Why aren’t I painting, drawing, writing, playing with clay, singing, playing the keyboard, strumming on a guitar (not very well but still), doing all things creative? Why am I not participating in my life?
Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled that I am finding courage and driving and going to places (close by places but going to them) but it’s feeling like it’s so not enough now. I want adventure, maybe even a small taste of danger. I want risk and excitement.
But I have kids that are counting on me. I have responsibilities. I keep telling myself be patient. Wait. Soon enough you can do and experience. But is that true? Is it really. Or am using the kids, and the responsibilities as an excuse to stay stuck? I feel trapped and frustrated, and I am seeing that there is a pattern here. That I seem to go through these emotions every few months. And each time I say “it’s time for change” and I get all excited, and then it fades, and I do nothing, and I put it all back on the shelf labelled “Someday”. But that just isn’t good enough.
I said: IT ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH! (It’s never been good enough, yet here I am once again) UGH! I need more! I am capable of more! I am worthy of more! I want more! But how? How do I make it happen? Am I the only one who feels this way? I can’t be the only one.
myspokenheart 
September 23, 2014 at 1:16 pm
It’s a date! Let’s travel 😉 x
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July 29, 2014 at 2:52 pm
Spoken one, I posted something like this last year. I really REALLY get what you are saying here…for me it’s the irony of finally being brave enough to reach out and grab life, only to realise that I spent the years I was lost making a prison for myself and I just can’t quite reach the lock, even though I finally have the keys…I have a mortgage, children, a job that I like but don’t love and not much time for adventure, creativity and travel. It can be so frustrating. However, I try to do one little thing every day to free myself. I meditate, run, book little holidays I can’t really afford, talk to strangers and write here and there. When I am fifty and the youngest is 18, I AM going to have an adventure- either, sell my house and buy a camper van and travel, or rent it out and teach abroad….it is never too late. A friend of mine’s mum who was single mum for 25 years is going to Cambodia next year and she is 80. She just did her first parachute jump. Don’t despair. Little steps. Come with me- let’s travel, metaphorically or otherwise!!! Don’t forget how far your big heart has brought you: all adventures start from the inside. Love always FatW :=)
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August 7, 2014 at 12:51 pm
FatW I have missed you so… it is wonderful to see your comment here. I would have gotten back to you sooner but I am currently without a home computer and have been posting ect via work as I can. I love that you do all those small things, I try as well. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes not so much. I would love to travel with you (literal or otherwise), or at least have tea/coffee/cocktails – depending upon the circumstances of course.
And your friend’s 80 yr old mother, how inspirational! I will remember that when I feel overwhelmed and discouraged.
love and hugs, MSH ❤
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July 26, 2014 at 3:53 am
I understand you completely.
http://andthemoonseesall.wordpress.com/2014/07/26/sunshine-blogger-award/
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July 25, 2014 at 9:56 am
Hope things improve soon
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July 25, 2014 at 2:22 pm
Thank you Cat, I seem to find I am on a bit of a roller coaster with this. Some days good, some not so much. Hope you are well (hugs)
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July 25, 2014 at 5:34 am
I feel this way often.
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July 25, 2014 at 2:21 pm
It sucks big time doesn’t it?
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July 25, 2014 at 3:47 am
I feel like this sometimes.
You have started driving to places – that’s a step. Now maybe look at something else you would like to do, like the clay or the keyboard and pencil in some time for it. Perhaps look at your local college and sign up for some evening classes? I keep meaning to do something like that, for photography or creative writing. That way you’ll meet new people too!
All the little steps you take should start adding up.
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July 25, 2014 at 2:20 pm
EEPS! meet new people! are you crazy? You want me to step out of my comfortable little bubble in order to achieve progress? LOL! (sort of – I get overwhelmed, just like with the driving thing… I was driving to the ferry last weekend, and looked up and saw in the distance the freeway heading into Vancouver and all the cars… and had to force myself not to panic – and I wasn’t even going that way… just the thought of it got my heart racing) I just want to be stronger, more courageous, fun.
I think a quiet little corner with big overstuffed chairs in a secluded bookstore/library type setting with a cup of tea and some soft music sounds about right. 😉
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July 26, 2014 at 10:03 pm
To be honest one of the reasons I haven’t signed up to evening classes myself is the thought of all the new people.
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July 28, 2014 at 8:55 am
Yes all those new people. Plus I am kind of lazy and selfish about ‘my time’ once I am home from work I am spent and I just want to do my own thing, at my own pace, in whatever manner I want to do it. The mere thought of getting ready to go back out to do things I am not even sure about… well, I know I should, that it would be good for me, but I just don’t want to.
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July 29, 2014 at 12:08 am
I feel exactly the same way! I sometimes get quite disgruntled if I have to go out (even if I know it’ll be fine because it’s stuff I’ve done before) because it’s MY time.
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July 29, 2014 at 9:16 am
two peas in a pod 😉
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July 24, 2014 at 8:44 pm
I guess what I’m trying to say is, every day that you do something that makes you happy–do something nice for someone, sing, dance, laugh, smile, dream–is a step in the right direction and a victory and worthy of celebration. ❤
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July 25, 2014 at 2:15 pm
Thanks for the reminder – baby steps. One step at a time, and each step no matter how small it may be, is a step forward so it is progress. But you know “I want it NOW!” lol. I just have to remember to breathe, not get overwhelmed, and do stuff for me. If I don’t take care of me, well no one else is going too…
❤
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July 24, 2014 at 8:40 pm
You’re for sure not alone! And, second part to that question is–I have no idea!
Well, I think sometimes, certain things are a wait and find out sort of thing, and at times we have to sacrifice what we want/need for our responsibilities. But within reason, I also think it’s good for kids/anyone else depending on us to know that we are human, too. I think it’s important for other people to see us indulge ourselves a bit now and then. Even if sometimes it feels like you’re shortchanging one for the other at times (at least I’ve struggled with feeling that way).
For me, change started slowly and mostly continues that way. It’s smallish steps that add up and it was really hard getting started. It felt like an uphill kind of thing. Writing was my outlet, I guess you’d say. It was so hard getting started. Without going into detail, I’ll just say when I got back into writing a few years ago, I had someone around to pick at me and tell me what a stupid waste of time it was, how I should read a cookbook instead of ‘playing on the computer’, that sort of thing. So, I guess for a while I was a closet writer. But eventually I started to make changes. I quit smoking, kept writing, tried to keep smiling.
I mean, for me, it was (and some days still is) literally ‘I wrote a paragraph today. I didn’t smoke a cigarette today’. It’s one day where you don’t feel that anything drastic changed, yes, but really drastic changes are happening and those days add up to a happier you.
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July 24, 2014 at 6:34 pm
I know what you mean – I feel the same way sometimes. ALL the online stuff has us living a live offline. Instead of painting, or writing that book, or taking a walk, or a class… we ‘trap’ ourselves in front of a computer screen. I’ve even felt frustrated with the time I spend blogging instead of working on my book. Stand in front of a mirror a take a deep, long look at who you are and what you want. It will tell you a lot more than Pinterest ever will. 🙂 I wish you All The Best! ~Karen~
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July 25, 2014 at 2:12 pm
Thanks Karen, I often find myself overwhelmed by the fact that I spend 8+ hrs every day at work sitting behind a computer screen dreaming of ‘someday’. I think this technological age has in many ways caused more harm than good. We don’t seem to do anymore. We don’t communicate, or create the way generations of the past did, and I think it is a major loss for society.
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July 29, 2014 at 1:43 pm
I couldn’t agree more…Einstein wrote, ” I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots.” Duh. 😦 ~Karen~
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