The other day I had a thought. A profound thought. An amazing thought. A true Ah-ha moment! I would even go so far as to say it may have been an epiphany. I know, I know just spit it out already, right! OK, OK… sheesh
I realized that I have been stuck in a rut. A rut of negative thoughts and negative self talk. That I have living with a box around myself. I have told myself that I must conform to the limitations of that box. And then – here’s the good part… Then it dawned on me that the only one limiting me is, well… me. I came to the grand realization that I am living in a town where I know very few people, I am ‘seeing’ a guy that is still getting to know me. Which means that I can be whoever I chose to be. I can decide right now, right here in this present moment who I want to be. I can choose what I want my style to be. Not what I have been told is flattering, or acceptable or that others are accustomed too. I am not limited to what I am afraid other people will think. Who cares? I don’t know these people. I can be whatever, whoever and however I WANT to be, however I CHOOSE – I am only bound by two limitations: 1) The false limitations that I allow myself to accept, and of course 2) the real limitation of staying true to myself. There is no point in lying about who I really am, you know the person I am at my very core. Lying about that would be counter productive. (isn’t that what I have been doing all this time? I have been lying and hiding for fear of getting hurt)
Therefore I must remain true to my heart. I have played the ‘fake’ game before and it sucked. In the end it hurt me far more than sharing the painful truth of where I was at the time would have. But I am not there any more and there is no reason for ‘Sunday smiles’ and false ‘I’m fines’. I am a free spirit. I am in love with love. I long for REAL, I long for excitement, adventure, romance, connection, spiritual encounters, stormy nites, sunny days, dancing in the pouring rain, singing out loud in public places, acting foolish, being wise, I LONG FOR LIFE! I LONG TO TRULY LIVE! I am so tired of drudging. Merely existing. It isn’t enough. It just isn’t good enough!! I need more, crave more, must have more and the only one holding me back is me!
So I am reinventing me… a free me. A true me. The real me is removing her mask and stepping out of the shadows. I have been too afraid of what others may think, living under the shadow of my ex and his influence for far too long and I am done with it. So I shall embrace the child within, I will accept that I am not perfect, I will challenge myself to do things that scare me. To actually say what’s on my mind, because I can be funny, I can be sexy & flirty, and I can be smart. I am challenging myself to wear that outfit that I think is amazing but have been too afraid that it would be too bold, or too sexy, or too young, or too polished or whatever limitation I gave it before. I can be more than one thing too. I do not have to be the tomboy, the girl who doesn’t wear dresses, or the one who is reserved and quiet in the corner. No, I am more, far more. I am those things, yet I can also be the girl who does wear dresses and speaks her mind, and laughs too loud and sometimes says inappropriate things and doesn’t care. I have something to offer and can one day be the tomboy in jeans and hiking boots and a week later the classy lady in heels and a clingy dress attending a play. It isn’t up to any one else any more, it is up to me now.
Yes it is up to me and I am reinventing myself…