myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours

Days 48 & 49 – Sharing, I have trust issues…

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All in all I have had a good weekend! I am feeling happy and content. I have had a nice time with my kids. I pretty much did nothing all day yesterday – which was great. I cleaned and re-organized my room on Saturday afternoon. I wore my new cargo pants today and felt great, self confidant and dare I say maybe even a little bit sexy.

In some ways this 100 days of something is feeling a bit diary-ish, which is not really my intent and in many ways is going against my whole reason for starting a blog. I never intended to share parts of my personal life here. Yet here I am, and I suppose this is how I show my reader’s parts of me. There is just a lot going on in my life right now. Mostly things I am not sure about sharing. And yet they are the things that are contributing to my being happy. I am not really good at sharing intimate details. Truthfully I am a very secretive and private creature. I am not as trusting as I used to be or as I would like to think I am.

In all honesty there is a part of me that feels that I cannot share my personal life here because I worry about who might see it. Not that I have anything going on that I need to hide, or that I have not shared with my closest friends. But that being said I have come from a relationship – a 20 year marriage – where I was spied on, monitored and controlled. I was made to feel guilty every time I left the house, sometimes even for going to work. I was given zero privacy, he even read my diaries, and then used guilt to justify it. “I missed you so much I had to read it to feel close to you”. Yet he was so good at covering his own tracks and hiding what he was doing.

Perhaps the hardest part for me is that I still have to have contact with him because my girls still see him, he is still part  of their lives and I would never prohibit them from having a relationship with him due to my own feelings. That would be wrong. If they choose to not have contact that is one thing but I could never stand in the way.

I am amazed though that I have made it this far, I am stronger than I ever thought I was and that is truly something. I can do this, I will do this, and I am happy that I can say that and truly believe it… 🙂

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Author: myspokenheart

Blogger, life lover, silly-hearted daydreamer...

9 thoughts on “Days 48 & 49 – Sharing, I have trust issues…

  1. I’m glad you’ve come out of the other side of that controlling relationship and are now feeling good about yourself!

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    • Thanks Alistair 🙂 … I am finding that we all have our baggage – and that it is a matter of choice to let it go, but often it is a hard choice as there is usually a lot of work involved in unpacking and organizing ourselves & our lives.

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  2. Love the photos you used. If you tell me your ex’s astrological sign is Gemini, I will completely understand. On a whole though, there is something fundamentally WRONG with what he did on EVERY level. I’m sorry you ever had to go through that. :frown:

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    • No he is not a Gemini, actually he is a Scorpio, birthday is the day after mine. Yes it was fundamentally wrong, and the residue it has left behind has taken a long time to recognize. I seriously I am the most trusting, untrusting person I know. lol. I do not ever look at other people’s stuff even if left out, or logged in, or whatever. And strangely enough I still will leave my stuff lying about (unless I know my ex is coming over) yet I get very edgy if I know people have touched my stuff – even for valid reasons. And it has nothing to do with having something to hide it’s more that if I want to share it I will – and often I do…

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      • I’m not surprised. A Scorpio that doesn’t learn how to reign the jealousy in young will continue to have those issues throughout the course of their life. I conquered mine in my teens. I know it was an important thing for me to get a handle on so that it would not affect my relationships with others. Having a boyfriend at the time who constantly did cruel things to try and bring my jealousy to the forefront really helped me learn how unhealthy it is for all involved.

        I tend not to leave things out in the open that I wouldn’t want someone stumbling upon, but as you said, it’s not because I have something to hide. I share what I want and choose to share, which is everyone’s right in life, but I don’t feel everyone needs to be privy to every single thing.

        Like you, I’m really not interested in other’s people stuff on that level. I don’t feel the need to snoop. I can already tell when someone is lying to me, so physically looking at their stuff will not tell me anything that my intuition hasn’t already gleaned.

        I get edgy when I know someone has been messing with my stuff too. It drives me insane.

        I think the most important thing to take away from the relationship is what you will and won’t put up with as you move forward. Putting your foot down and laying down the law is important and healthy for you.

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        • I have to say I have learned a lot about relationships through having a difficult one. For example: Not only do I know that I never want to be controlled in a relationship again, but I have also realized that I have to keep myself in check as I never want to be the controller either. Not only is it ugly, and unhealthy, but is also not the way to prevent oneself from ending up in that type of relationship. It is an easy place to find yourself when you are faced with feelings of insecurity, and doubt, but by being needy and controlling (manipulative) you are doing no-one any favours, just harming the relationship you have. Hard lesson to learn – especially facing that those traits are there; no-one wants to admit that they have the ability to be a controlling needy manipulator, yet everyone has the capacity.

          It’s all about choice and perspective. I am learning to accept both the good and the bad in myself, but I don’t want to just acknowledge the bad I want to actually control it. I want the good stuff to be what shines through. BUT more importantly I do not want to act like the bad isn’t there either, ignoring it and putting on a front that I am all good is self destructive. I think it’s a matter of acceptance and balance.

          Too bad we live on opposite sides of the continent, I think we’d have fun chatting, debating, going for a coffee or whatever. *hugs* for your day Hun.

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  3. Keep doing your thing and rock those sexy pants-Sending good thoughts your way ❤

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