All in all I have had a good weekend! I am feeling happy and content. I have had a nice time with my kids. I pretty much did nothing all day yesterday – which was great. I cleaned and re-organized my room on Saturday afternoon. I wore my new cargo pants today and felt great, self confidant and dare I say maybe even a little bit sexy.
In some ways this 100 days of something is feeling a bit diary-ish, which is not really my intent and in many ways is going against my whole reason for starting a blog. I never intended to share parts of my personal life here. Yet here I am, and I suppose this is how I show my reader’s parts of me. There is just a lot going on in my life right now. Mostly things I am not sure about sharing. And yet they are the things that are contributing to my being happy. I am not really good at sharing intimate details. Truthfully I am a very secretive and private creature. I am not as trusting as I used to be or as I would like to think I am.
In all honesty there is a part of me that feels that I cannot share my personal life here because I worry about who might see it. Not that I have anything going on that I need to hide, or that I have not shared with my closest friends. But that being said I have come from a relationship – a 20 year marriage – where I was spied on, monitored and controlled. I was made to feel guilty every time I left the house, sometimes even for going to work. I was given zero privacy, he even read my diaries, and then used guilt to justify it. “I missed you so much I had to read it to feel close to you”. Yet he was so good at covering his own tracks and hiding what he was doing.
Perhaps the hardest part for me is that I still have to have contact with him because my girls still see him, he is still part of their lives and I would never prohibit them from having a relationship with him due to my own feelings. That would be wrong. If they choose to not have contact that is one thing but I could never stand in the way.
I am amazed though that I have made it this far, I am stronger than I ever thought I was and that is truly something. I can do this, I will do this, and I am happy that I can say that and truly believe it… 🙂