Well this sure is turning out to be 100 days of “something” alright. Glad I did not choose to call it 100 days of happiness or gratitude or perky cheerfulness, even though my primary focus has been trying to find the positive of each day. And you know there is always something to be happy/grateful about every single day. Some days it is harder to find than others. But it is always there.
I got slammed hard this weekend. There was still a lot to be thankful for, and I am. But I cannot ignore the negative this time around. Sometimes it can be ignored, walked away from, just dropped. Not this time. My ex did everything he could to make this weekend difficult. He didn’t return my daughter (14) when he was supposed to, then accused me of being selfish and not sharing (really it was Mother’s day for crying out loud!) Then he hi-jacked Mother’s Day. He just would not leave and I knew that in order to make him go I was going to have to not just be rude and rock the boat – but actually engage in war. Which I just couldn’t bring myself to do in front of my 3 girls and the grand kids. My girls understood – my eldest backed me totally saying she felt the same way and knew what asking him to leave was going to look like – which is why she held her tongue also.
It is hard though because even though 14 understands and supports me, well she doesn’t. She was only 9 when he and I split and she still sees her daddy as just that her “daddy”. She still carries that beautiful innocence, and I cannot be the one to crush it. I have to sit back and watch as he does it himself. This hurts.
Now I have to wait a few days till I calm down and can be rational so I can put the boundaries down. The ones that slowly get nudged farther and farther. I need to lay them down in concrete. I need to tell him enough I am done with this garbage, you do it every holiday, every special event and no you are not the victim, you are the antagonist.
I can’t stand being suffocated by his massive energy. It is full of negativity and tension, rebellion, frustration, anger, and a deep current of insecurity mixed with a strong need for approval. You feel it the second he walks into the room. It is so heavy and tiresome, suffocating like a blanket of smoke. I feel so sad, he carries these feelings with him everywhere he goes, but I do not want to share in it. A few hours around him and it takes me days to shake the negative residue left behind.
Sadly this is all just the tip of the iceberg and I am not really ready or at liberty to share the rest just yet. All I can say is he has pushed me hard this time, and I struggle with a great beast. A leviathan of loathing, and it is icky and ugly and I despise how it feels, but denying it is not going to make it go away. So instead I shall get to know it better and maybe it is by embracing my enemy that I will find the way to defeat him.
But staying in line with finding the positive, my girls love me and support me. They understand. They know…
Photo credit: http://rg21.blogspot.ca/