I have been absent… but I am back – I think?

October 24, 2013 by myspokenheart 16 Comments

It’s been just over 2 weeks since my last post. This is abnormal for me. It is not like I been without the desire, but for whatever reason… many reasons… I have not posted. October has been a whirlwind, I have survived the birthday rush that October is: one turned 16 on the 10th, the other turned 14 on the 21st (I am now el-broko). I survived the Kitten invasion, barely. (Actually the weekend between the birthdays I had to be taken to the medical clinic. It was the first asthma attack I have had in many years.) and I have been left realizing I am not taking care of myself and I am feeling a wee bit Blase.

Perhaps part of my blues is caused by the actual onset of fall here. We have cold, damp, foggy nites and mornings. Yet we are still getting beautiful sunny afternoons that are relatively warm – just a hint of autumn chill whenever you catch a breeze. I know a part of my problem is that holidays and birthdays are difficult, my ex does not seem to appreciate boundaries at the best of times and I am greatly lacking when it comes to laying them down in a straight forward and blunt manner – yet I really allow my feathers to get ruffled when he doesn’t respect my invisible boundaries. As soon as holidays and birthdays are involved he makes his presence felt, and I find myself reeling emotionally and physically. But I am not wishing to write about my ex today, not as a rant or otherwise.

I think perhaps I have been spending sometime internalizing and searching, and have come to the realization that I have been down for quite sometime. This in part comes down to my work situation, but only in part, I cannot blame my work for my lack of motivation or for my lack of self care. It contributes for sure, but in the end I am responsible for what I choose to do and not do. My choices are mine and mine alone. But they affect more than just me. They affect my whole being, inside and out, as well as my children and my relationship with them. I also find the farther I allow myself to slip the more reclusive and alone I become. This creates a vicious cycle. A cycle I must break and have no desire to be stuck in.

I am master and commander of this ship and I have allowed a mutiny to happen. Now I must regain control, and reset my course. I am thankful to say I have not fallen into any poor coping habits such as: drinking or self depreciation. I know better! But I have gotten soft & lazy, and my eating habits leave a bit to be desired. Other than my job I am lacking routine. I have never really been one for strict routine. I likely never will be. But when I am enjoying the place I am at I am eager to get going, I am organized, and I tend to fall into a rhythm of sorts. On the other hand when I am not happy with where I am, well… I could stay under the covers all day – I believe that is called hiding. (I can be the queen of avoidance and procrastination when I choose to be.)

So I am pulling up my boot straps, dusting myself off and preparing for battle. It might be hard. Or I might be surprised and find it is so much easier than expected. I won’t know til I try though, right?

Switchfoot ~ Learning to Breathe