myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours

Back to school and the ‘where am I headed’ conundrum…

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The back to school schedule is finally falling into place, and a feeling of normal is slowly coming to be. So why do I feel so restless? I need to make changes because I feel so disconnected from the whole process. “What process?” I hear you ask. Good question. You know the whole life thing. I just don’t know where to begin. I need a new job. My current one is stagnant  – working for a non-profit I have found that due to funding limitations there is no room for job growth, promotion or financial raises. This of course leaves me feeling very unmotivated to aspire to the best working me I can be. In actuality it leaves me dreading getting up in the morning. I am feeling like “why should I haul my ass out of bed just to repeat the same old, same old?”. Nothing changes. I can actually be gone for 2 full weeks and after an afternoon I am completely caught up like I had never been away at all. Seriously how sad is that? I NEED variety. I NEED challenge. I NEED growth and the opportunity to manage myself.

I am thinking of ideas. But at the end of a day that has left me feeling blah and utterly exhausted and emotionally drained looking and/or planning for something else is difficult. Not impossible but difficult. I have dinner to make, homework to review, dreams to listen too, chores to handout and complete. The days are full, they just feel empty and void of meaning. I spend 9+ hrs of my day away from my home and family, and spend maybe 5 hrs a day with my family. Yes 5 tired hours that also are filled with chores and commitments that take away from the quality this time could, should hold.

This time management schedule seems out of whack to me. There is no life work balance happening here. The scale is fairly balanced for time, if I include weekends and take commute time into account my waking hours are divided roughly in half as either at work (or traveling to and from) or at home (or on my own schedule). But the quality of my time is what I am questioning. I think I should come home feeling good, not wiped, ready to be with my family, not wanting to hit the shower and straight to bed. I am literally trading half of my waking life in exchange for feeling down, unmotivated and not enough money to survive. (I only make it financially as I receive additional Government support because I am considered low income.)

OK I suppose that this is the way society has programed things. However… HOWEVER… I do think that one should not be bored, stressed, unmotivated, and borderline ill for literally half of their lives. I just know that this is not how it is meant to be. If this monotony is the way it has to be  then we should at least be earning enough in compensation for more than paying the bills and wondering why there is no extra funds to do fun and enjoyable things with the ones we love as a counter to the lack of time we have to offer them.

I had this on my mind the other nite, and sadly I woke with the thought “I am a loser!” in my head. This greatly disturbed me. I am NOT a loser. But I am led to occasionally feel this way when I am unable to provide the things I wish to, or to participate in my kids lives the way I want to. I want to be able to volunteer to chaperone a field trip once in awhile. Or to have the means to have a get away weekend just because. I want to be compensated for my time away from the home adequately to enjoy my life. I am speaking both financially as well as emotionally. On the financial end it would be amazing to be able to take an actual vacation. (I take staycations… you know you have time off but no money to actually go anywhere sooo…) But I would love to say “hey we are going to _____ for Christmas, or the weekend, or spring break or…. so pack your bags girls!!!

And on the emotional side I want to be able to fulfill my personal, emotional, esteem and passion needs via my work. (Then it really isn’t work now is it?) And I know if this is happening then the emotional benefits will spill over into my every day family/home life and all will benefit.

I know that some reading this will not be able to relate and may even think I am just being a whiner, so be it. They make enough to get by and then some. They actually like or even love their job. I say Congratulations from the bottom of my heart – I am so happy for you! (for real – no sarcasm here I am happy for you). But I also know that there are many of you out there who know exactly what I am talking about. I am not necessarily complaining per se. I am actually very grateful I have a full time job that pays the bills.(hence the reason I do not just yell “Fuck it!” and walk out the door) But I just feel like there is so much missing. I want more.

I feel trapped where I am. And I am wondering how does one break free? How does one get to the other place? (besides marrying a sugar daddy – there’s a whole other kettle of dissatisfied fish, or inheriting the money from a long lost rich relative…)

OK but seriously all kidding aside HOW? there are a million people out there claiming they have the answers but they all want those of us who are seeking to pay them big bucks for those answers. And I already know what works for you, may not work for me. Also I have found reading self help, and blogs, and articles that most point in the direction without ever actually answering any of the questions. I KNOW the direction already. I know the generalities of the plan. I understand the so called methodology. It’s the putting it all together. There is where I seem to have issues. I don’t want any one to actually do it for me. I just need some answers from some one, some idea as to how I am to connect the dots. In the end I should have a picture, a recognizable picture – not some abstract, needs interpretation, image.

I don’t know maybe I just want more than is realistic… but I don’t think so. I really believe there is more. I just have to keep believing and keep planning and keep moving forward. Eventually it will all fall into place and I will smile and say “I did it!”

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Author: myspokenheart

Blogger, life lover, silly-hearted daydreamer...

17 thoughts on “Back to school and the ‘where am I headed’ conundrum…

  1. I’m useless at advice so I won’t offer any – I just hope that you manage to find a way to find balance so that you can enjoy your off-time and maybe even get a nice holiday.

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    • I am sure you are NOT useless, you just need a wee bit more confidence in the life experience you have gained… and yes I am hoping for a decent holiday… all I need now is cashola! I always say I will buy a lotto ticket… but I always forget to actually do it! 🙂 …

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  2. I have found that spending time on tasks we view as being “other” than in alignment with who we desire to be- e.g. being forced to spend time at a job in which one is under utilized, bored, etc.- is pretty darn draining. I can understand that totally. I can only offer what has helped for me in the past, and I offer it not as a “quick fix”… Just as an effort to help… I can relate to this type of suffering… And I know you don’t need any fixing!

    There was once a very inspirational person named Walter Russell who wrote, “What I must do, I will desire to do, and make an art of it.” He was also called the modern Leonardo because of his visions and achievements in so many diverse fields of endeavor. If you read about him, it’s enough to feed that “I’m a loser” cycle, but don’t let it. For him to say something like this, means even the most creative people have been there… By beginning with what is right in front of you, and “making an art of it”, the first thing that happens is the dissatisfaction of being other than yourself relaxes. You bring meaning and purpose where before there was none. You bring it right to where you are. By insisting that your present is meaningful, you invite your full self, your full presence, to participate. This participation can never be draining.

    I have worked on assembly lines for a time. Some shifts were good. Some bad. The shifts when I committed to this mindset, I left feeling better than when I arrived.

    This doesn’t mean you’re choosing to be stuck in present circumstances, by the way, which the mind will often argue, but it does mean you are able to be at peace with them. That peace may take away some of the life-draining tone of the moment, and give you some joy even in the places that previously seemed to be drains upon you. And from there, things can open up. But it isn’t like “if I get joyful today, then I’ll be somewhere else tomorrow.” It’s not a lever you pull. It’s a commitment to brining all of you to the places that seem meaningless, and having no agenda beyond that.

    I have often felt like a failure for not being able to “create” different circumstances, but often it is those circumstances that are difficult and that we wish to escape that still have something to give us. You let that in by making an art of what must be done today, right now, in this hour. And if what must be done is trusting yourself enough to leave a situation that is draining you entirely, so be it. Only you know the answer to that one, but if you don’t, or you’re confused, I think making the present meaningful is a great way to start.

    You are definitely not, in any way, a loser. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with the life you have. Be present in it, bring meaning to it, make an art of what is before you, and I know the flow you desire can open up. I sincerely hope this didn’t sound too preachy or instructional. Not my intent. I felt about halfway through that I was writing this as much for myself as anyone else… It was a great reminder… So thanks for listening, and if any of it helps… wonderful…

    Michael

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    • Thank you so much Michael! sometimes having some-one else’s perspective is so affirming… I greatly appreciate your words of encouragement and have actually read your response here a few times before responding back… I have a had a very hectic past few days (except Saturday whereas I stayed in PJ’s all day and worked on colouring my DoodleArt poster… I needed the time without any expectations to let my mind just wander – it was good)

      I am trying to be present in my present! I think I am where I am for a reason although I am not sure what that reason is, however ever step of the journey whether exhilarating or tedious is still a step closer to our destination. And I am aware that just as the world goes through seasons on a continuous cycle so do our lives (just our seasons are not scheduled).

      You are a very insightful individual and it is very appreciated that you did share 🙂
      Again Thank-you…

      Andrea (MSH)

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  3. Sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this (have felt the same way from time to time) and it’s a cliche but true enough that it could be worse. I don’t really have any answers except to say that I admire your honesty and your writing and I hope that you are able to find another job, a more fulfilling job, soon. Feel free to email me, too, if you would like.

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  4. I wish I had an easy answer Andrea. It isn’t fair, you see people doing jobs that you know that you can do so much better, jobs that pay silly amounts, that they do not deserve. Keep looking and applying, never give up. The job you have now, is it possible to attack something, a side project, yes I know you would not receive anything for it, no praise, no raise, no bonus… but if it flies, it is something that you can brag about on a resume, and maybe something that stirs up some interest for you at work.

    loser… noooo, look at your children, see what you created. 🙂 so not a loser.

    now.. get those creations, or the one/s still living at home, involved more in day to day things, challenge them to help more. You know, often they will do so much more if asked, well asked nicely… blowing up and chasing them with a rolling pin may not be good. 😉 sometimes you have to trick them.

    *super big hugs*

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    • thanks for the love and support Amber… sadly there isn’t much to do here. I have done a lot of side projects over the past 2 years I’ve been here and they are dwindling… I wouldn’t mind staying here part time and finding something more fulfilling for the other time – not sure if a plan like that will work but it’s an idea. I will keep looking and keep trying… something has gotta give eventually.

      I know I am not a loser, just listening to other people’s negative talk and letting it impact me I’m afraid.

      As for the chore thing with kids one will help she may protest a bit but she does what she’s asked… the other is a bit like a time bomb… hit or miss never sure what response I will get… when she feels like she is a huge help… otherwise she makes me soooo tired… I love her so much and try to remind her regularly that I am not the enemy… not sure she always hears it but…

      Wow I feel like i am just kind of ranting here… I guess we all have our moments… :/

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      • hmm, kk so one thing at a time, fix the ones we can.. those we can’t we stick our tongues out at.. I know just words..

        So the time bomb… a challenge. 🙂 I like those. I bet there is a hidden talent there that could be tickled out. Often when given a responsibility that is a true one, can work. Maybe if she took over the shopping, this would involve a budget obviously, she gets pats on the back when it works and sour looks when it doesn’t, but mostly pats on the back as her skills improve.

        A fixed responsibility though, an important one, not over taxing, but one she knows must be done, it raises self worth too…. until everyone eats rice for 12 days because she bought a case of cookies. 😉 (that will happen though, but it is a learning thing too)

        Cooking? Sometimes the two together, meal planning and shopping can stir up some interest.

        Negative talk is like depression, both are contagious. Ranting though, is venting, not negative talk by any means. If we don’t vent we blow up.

        I know it is a tough job market, keep looking though, send resumes out to places, lots of them, many don’t advertise for help, they don’t need to.

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  5. don’t know if I my words of wisdom can help…but email me if you like 🙂 x

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  6. Well, if you think a life of crime is not for you, then you will need to be creative. It sounds like a general numbness at work: your job isn’t satisfying, but neither is spending time with the kids. And I bet you actually like the kids. Numbness to me suggests a pain that is being held at bay, and my experience has been that you feel better after some of this pain has been felt. So, I wonder if you just aren’t where you wish you were or where you thought you might be at this point in your life: if you feel like this loser with no life, instead of that sparkly, happy mommy doing work she loves and totally loving every minute with the kids. I suspect a lot of people get to this point, where we realize our fantasy for how our lives would turn out is just that: a fantasy. And this of course will be made worse if you see people who are still holding up that fantasy posting their wonderful pics of great times with the kids on social networking sites. But the fact is that a lot of jobs that need to be done are fairly boring. A lot of the tasks you need to with kids and around the house are really routine and dull. Actually, being an adult is just really not sexy at all. I think it’s okay to make space for some disappointment with life–maybe we should have known better, but we didn’t. We thought it was just our own parents that were caught up in nothing more meaningful than daily life. But it wasn’t. It’s just life. And it’s also about being working class.

    And then once you’ve felt some of that pain, start thinking about what has meaning to you personally. And try to work in more of that. A few more bright spots in your life might help you feel better enough to clarify for yourself the work you really might want to do.

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    • I am not sure where you got that I am numb spending time with the kids… I like spending time with my kids and wish I could be a stay at homer… I just don’t like trying to cram an entire day into less than 5 hrs. I want quality time with them. As for the job yea I’m numb… I want to do something positive that has some sort of positive effect on peoples lives.

      I was a stay at home mom for years and no life was not all sunshine and unicorns but it was content. I know that the primary thing dragging me down is spending so much time away at something I find dull, unfilfilling, and doesn’t feel productive. But life is full of unexpected twists and turns so there is hope for things to change, and I am trying not to sit still but to be a part of the change.

      Thanks Ashana M for reading and commenting 🙂

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