myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours

Do I sound like that? Really?

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Last weekend I had the pleasure of having a day at home alone. It was about 4 – 5 hrs of me time. I got so much accomplished it was great and thoroughly enjoyed my time. I put on some music, and got to work, taking breaks as I felt, checking in on my wonderful WordPress family, and was shocked at just how productive I am when left alone to do it. I finally have no boxes in my hallway or living room. I rearranged some of the kitchen cabinets (this will assuredly be done at least 2 more times). I put up pictures on the walls. Arranged things on my bookshelves, swept, did dishes, and laundry.

Just as I was wrapping things up, my music list was finished, book in hand, I went to chill on the couch for a bit in my nice clean living room, and I heard a very frazzled neighbour screeching at her child. It made me cringe. She sounded like some sort of horrible bitch-beast. I tried not to judge, sure she was at her wits end, she definitely sounded like it at any rate. But it struck a chord with me. It just sounded so very awful. I felt sad for her child, I felt sad for her. And then a horrible thought hit me!!! “Do I sound like that!?” “Oh God please, I hope I don’t sound like that!” and the resounding answer was yes, some days I most certainly do! I felt ashamed. I felt guilty. I felt dirty. I felt like a terrible parent.

So how do I tame the beast within. It’s those days when you don’t even realize you are feeling edgy and you get asked one too many ridiculous questions, or you’re hungry and want to make dinner and you have had to ask for the 6th + time why the dishes have not been done yet, and the response is “I said I’d do them, sheesh!”… and the beast comes roaring out, with all its venom. And in mid roar you realize what is happening but it’s too late you are in the middle of screaming and yelling and behaving horribly. IT.SUCKS.BIG.TIME!!!

So how does one go about overcoming the anger? How does one become aware when they are about to hit the boiling point and how do you go about stopping it before it happens to boil over? How do we tame the beast?

Well according to the Orange Rhino Challenge one way is preventative action. OK back up… the Orange Rhino challenge WTF is that? It is a challenge to stop yelling, primarily geared at parents with young children, but it can work for anyone – to go all the way you attempt to do a 365 day no yelling challenge (if you blow it you start again at day 1) – but you can do any length you want 1 week, 30 days, 6 months, whatever. Anyways, apparently a good starting place for preventing visits from the icky, screechy, beast is identifying triggers. For example are you yelling because some-one has upset you or because they did it while you were hungry? Is it the upset or the hunger that is the real issue? Or maybe your back hurts, or you’re overtired, or you are stressed because you trying to do your taxes, making dinner, preparing your budget, or perhaps you are frustrated because you feel you are not being listened to, or taken seriously, whatever…. What is the REAL reason you are screaming like an idiot? (and does screaming like that really help in getting some-one to take you seriously? Just asking…) Now address that reason. Voila step one – we have identified the trigger(s)! Next is learning to take a step back before you lose your cool, not 10 minutes into it. To recognize it before it hits. Easier said than done somedays…  but like most things it takes practice. Once you learn to recognize it the third step is finding other ways to deal with the problem. How can I get my point across without sounding awful? How can I get the kids to do their chores, without yelling because I already asked 20 times? How do I get the husband/wife to actually hear me? How do I express that I am ticked off in a calm and rational manner? Well that is the question now isn’t it?

So got any suggestions? Feel free to write ’em down for me… this seems to be a battle I win some days and lose others…

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Author: myspokenheart

Blogger, life lover, silly-hearted daydreamer...

18 thoughts on “Do I sound like that? Really?

  1. Pingback: Unconditional love vs acting like a big gorilla… | myspokenheart

  2. I agree with everyone – don’t beat yourself up. We yell, we scream , we rant & rave, but on the flip side we smile, we laugh, we talk calmly (usually after we have been fed). I listen to the screeching coming from the poor mum next door to me and her two boys, everyone has a screech and no one should think badly of us for doing so. I always screeched, never really had the colling off time prior – to my girls, they copped what mum had to say for better or worse. We are still all alive and breathing 🙂

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  3. Hey..x
    Welcome to reality lol
    We all do it. Human nature dictates we have bad days and good days.
    There are days I give my two sons a hard time for the smallest of things.
    I think realising we do it and coming back around and saying “I am sorry for shouting” Is the key to life. As we can’t change human behaviour. We all do it. Don’t feel guilty. Feel alive, and when these anger moments come, allow them to pass, then say sorry. Even to just yourself.

    You are a wonderful woman, blogging this as you did shows everyone what a wonderful person you are and the heart you posses. The blog had to be written by you to get answers. I hope you found the answers you were looking for.

    In life we will always seek answers to our actions. It is part of the journey. But when the journey is over, we will be able to at least say we made the journey, no matter where we end up at the end of whatever journey we undertook.

    Life is wonderful, you just had a moment. All we have are moments. I used to hate these moments, not I use these moments to understand life better and understand myself better.

    Hugs x

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    • aaahhhh Shaun… hugs you back xx… well said my friend… I think just voicing how I was feeling has set the ball in motion… answers, maybe not, but being aware of the situation is a great starting place…
      Life really is wonderful isn’t it…

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      • I did over 300 blogs about just voicing my feelings. Me personally (Just me) got bored repeating “Shaun is in Pain” I think we all have the answers already, when we hear a friend speak what we already know over a bottle of wine, whatever, it just confirms what we already knew. So many blogs I did already knowing the answers and just looking for people to confirm that answer were many.
        And being award, if you can get there is a great place to be. And life is Wonderful. For some it ain’t. But I could easily lay down, give in, take the tablets and see out my life in Bed and then Die……

        Sound shit yeah? So I won’t. The second we tell ourselves we are bad or not worthy or sound stupid or talk crap, whatever, we believe it and it makes us worse.

        I really hope you get what I meant with the 1st reply and now this. We all just talk out loud here.. lol

        Life for me is good, I wish we all had AMAZING lives, sadly we all don’t, so we help people who don’t and hope they smile for a while..

        Hugs x

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  4. Hello Hearty. Several things help me. First, it’s vital to have an outlet – gym, music, running – something that “gets it out of you”. Second – meditation helps as it conditions your mind to be quiet. Third – trying to remember that you can’t extinguish a fire by throwing petrol at it!
    But we all have limits. Most important is to remember that you explode occasionally, but love constantly, therefore your kids will be fine – never beat yourself up about it 😉

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    • so good to see your panda face on here 🙂 meditation? calming of the mind? what the hell??? is that possible? my mind is like a squirrel on speed, it never calms and never quits I’m afraid!!! ha!

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      • Seriously… I was the same. Meditation literally transformed my life. I’m not saying its a miracle, but persevere for a few months… It’s amazing how many of our problems come because of what we think or believe – not from what actually IS. Meditation helps you get to IS. It’s a nice place 😉

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        • OK so I actually can settle my mind – usually when I listen to music and allow myself to ‘meld’ with it. And yes it is a much better place than the one where worry over that which isn’t guaranteed/may never happen. I read that worrying is like praying for what you don’t want… I like it! I am learning not to get worked up over stuff but some days are much more successful than others… 🙂
          PS I missed you friend…

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  5. I do the exact thing sometimes, but oddly enough I have been very calm and pleasant to everyone lately. Must be because I am tired. lol. We are all human, Andrea. Don’t beat yourself up.

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  6. Ohhh …. this is a hard one. I have only one child who I sometimes want to give away to the zoo, and you have more than me … so you are 3 times more likely to get upset and lash out with your words. (I am saying 3 because 2 have moved out…so each only counts for half now haha.)

    Anyway … *trying to think what I do … besides yelling I mean…* I think for me it is easier too because I do not have my daughter all the time … so when I do get her I am loving it most of the time. (I think I am lying … well, no..most of the time I do like it….but is 51% of the time most of the time?!?!?!)

    I think everyone is different … but with the kids … the take some time before you speak only works some times. Especially with chores they ignore. Because if you take time to cool down, you still see they are not doing their chores and it makes you stew more. Perhaps in those situations you have to remove yourself physically from seeing the undone chore?

    I wish I knew the answer to this Andrea … it is hard I know.

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  7. Identifying triggers… is key in so many things. tis hard to do though when counting to ten by fives…

    It is one of those things though that becomes easier when you practice it. Just like everything else. 🙂

    stopping and thinking before speaking, maintaining a calmness. That is when, very calmly you look at your child.. smile and tell them.. I brought you into this world and darn it, I can take you out too.

    eeeps, I didn’t say that. but the first part, the practice and the identifying triggers, the why of them and replacing them with a more reasonable response. In truth though, a calm approach to someone, has much more effect than a violent or loud response. When someone is on the receiving end of a violent or aggressive approach, a wall goes up and ears block.

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    • aaahhh yes triggers, so many triggers… and often so unrelated tot he final explosion… lol…
      learning to be calm in the storm that is the hard part – yet the only way to be heard…

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  8. Great post! I haven’t heard of the Orange Rhino Challenge but I have recently tried to cut down my yelling, or rather my stressed/argumentative side. My partner always infuriates me because he has such strong opinions and makes such sweeping generalisations about world issues, but I have started to rationalise with myself before I get upset, ‘Everyone is entitled to their own opinions’ ‘Arguing is not going to change his mind’ ‘Does it actually matter to our relationship the views he holds on world issues that are completely removed from us?’ And he is the kind of person who can enjoy a discussion (argument) without getting upset, unlike me. So I’m glad to hear other people struggle with this as well!

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