This morning I was going through all the blogs I’m subscribed to, trying to catch up a bit, and I read the latest post on fromthefog – Miss the Pain? Well it really got me thinking. I wanted to comment but wasn’t really sure where to begin. And the more I considered it, trying to filter through all that I wanted to say, I found that I couldn’t wrap it up in a paragraph sized comment.
If you are not familiar with Dave check out his page as linked above. Dave suffers from fibromyalgia, it is his daily burden. He essentially wrote about how his greatest wish is also his greatest fear. He wants to be healed – of course he wants to be healed – yet he is afraid of facing a day when the pain is gone. What? He is afraid of being pain free. Again what? Funny thing is I get it. His life had been so wrapped around fighting the pain, that both the pain and the fight have become a part of him. They almost identify him. If it’s gone who will he be? What will he do with his days? What about having to face going back to work? What about having to face a new routine that is foreign and unfamiliar?
It’s the fear of change, of the unknown…
I liken it to being a parent. We parents spend our lives raising our babies, taking care of them, getting them ready and prepared to go off on their own. And then one day they do. And we find ourselves, mostly moms, feeling panicky. We face a huge now what? What do we do with ourselves? Who do we fuss over? Who are we? What do we like? What do we want?
Another example perhaps is that it’s like leaving a bad marriage. You know leaving is best. You know that in the long run it is the healthier option. But you invested so much into it. You can’t “see” what days of being without them will be like. This has been your life, maybe even for years. So now what? You don’t even associate yourself as an individual any more. What about money? Having to rely solely on ourselves. What about being alone? What if you don’t find some-one new to share your life and love with? What about all the shared friends? What about the ex-relatives? How does that work? So many what ifs…
I am asthmatic. I have been longer than I can remember. I deeply desire to have it gone. To be healed. Rid of it forever. But there are certain routines, habits that are ingrained in me. Certain things that I have done certain ways for my entire life because of it. Plus I would no longer be able to use it as an excuse when faced with things I do not want to do, or am too afraid to do. Wow that sounds horrible written down like that, yet it’s the truth.
Of course I want to be healed!
Of course I want my children to grow up and find their independence!
Of course I had to remove myself from an unhealthy marriage…
And yet it’s all so very scary.
And some days you will find you miss these things, the kids, the marriage, the pain, the illness. They have been a part of your routine for so long, part of your life, part of the way you associated yourself. They are what we knew and as crazy as it is they were in a way comfortable, we grew complacent in them, we always knew what to expect. And now everything is different. Change is difficult and hard to face. Even good change. It doesn’t make much sense but it’s true.