myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours

Sometimes it just doesn’t make any sense…

11 Comments

This morning I was going through all the blogs I’m subscribed to, trying to catch up a bit, and I read the latest post on fromthefog – Miss the Pain? Well it really got me thinking. I wanted to comment but wasn’t really sure where to begin. And the more I considered it, trying to filter through all that I wanted to say, I found that I couldn’t wrap it up in a paragraph sized comment.

If you are not familiar with Dave check out his page as linked above. Dave suffers from fibromyalgia, it is his daily burden. He essentially wrote about how his greatest wish is also his greatest fear. He wants to be healed – of course he wants to be healed – yet he is afraid of facing a day when the pain is gone. What? He is afraid of being pain free. Again what? Funny thing is I get it. His life had been so wrapped around fighting the pain, that both the pain and the fight have become a part of him. They almost identify him. If it’s gone who will he be? What will he do with his days? What about having to face going back to work? What about having to face a new routine that is foreign and unfamiliar?

It’s the fear of change, of the unknown…

I liken it to being a parent. We parents spend our lives raising our babies, taking care of them, getting them ready and prepared to go off on their own. And then one day they do. And we find ourselves, mostly  moms, feeling panicky. We face a huge now what? What do we do with ourselves? Who do we fuss over? Who are we? What do we like? What do we want?

Another example perhaps is that it’s like leaving a bad marriage. You know leaving is best. You know that in the long run it is the healthier option. But you invested so much into it. You can’t “see” what days of being without them will be like. This has been your life, maybe even for years. So now what? You don’t even associate yourself as an individual any more. What about money? Having to rely solely on ourselves. What about being alone? What if you don’t find some-one new to share your life and love with? What about all the shared friends? What about the ex-relatives? How does that work? So many what ifs…

I am asthmatic. I have been longer than I can remember. I deeply desire to have it gone. To be healed. Rid of it forever. But there are certain routines, habits that are ingrained in me. Certain things that I have done certain ways for my entire life because of it. Plus I would no longer be able to use it as an excuse when faced with things I do not want to do, or am too afraid to do. Wow that sounds horrible written down like that, yet it’s the truth.

Of course I want to be healed!
Of course I want my children to grow up and find their independence!
Of course I had to remove myself from an unhealthy marriage…

And yet it’s all so very scary.

And some days you will find you miss these things, the kids, the marriage, the pain, the illness. They have been a part of your routine for so long, part of your life, part of the way you associated yourself. They are what we knew and as crazy as it is they were in a way comfortable, we grew complacent in them, we always knew what to expect. And now everything is different. Change is difficult and hard to face. Even good change. It doesn’t make much sense but it’s true.

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Author: myspokenheart

Blogger, life lover, silly-hearted daydreamer...

11 thoughts on “Sometimes it just doesn’t make any sense…

  1. Nods….too many understand some of the pains you speak of. I can relate to the one about divorce…and at times I feel the shadows of cold when I think of my daughter leaving one day. It’s strange with the child one … on one hand you feel EXTREMELY proud that they are learning the world….on the other…how is it you can feel sad too?

    As for physical chronic pain … I now have my back issue…I hope to not ever be in that position … to be scairt of being without it. It must be hard living with the pain …. and accepting it. My heart goes out to those that suffer.

    Mental Illness….that pain. I do not miss it. I freely admit it. I hate it. I hate hate hate it. If I have my way I will forever keep it at bay. I am not sure saying tis a mental pain is true…so much feels physical. To know what it is like again, to not know that feeling…..to know it will never come again …. I want to know what that feels like.

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  2. I read the blog and yeah “What” but the more you read, and reading this here, I get it even more.
    I called my blog “Praying for one day” as One day with no pain would do me.
    And I agree, anyone not on Dave’s blog should go read, an inspiration and some.
    Many of the people I follow live in pain and it’s almost and unspoken “Knowing”

    Great blog!!

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  3. Yes. I understand, too. Good post.

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  4. Very well said; I have both Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain Syndrome that I battle with daily. Still 99% of the time I work through the pain, I have a flock to tend to and I lean on my faith to get me through the day.

    I just need to be more faithful to this blogging thing. 😉

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  5. My heart goes out to all that I have met in my WP family, so many that suffer from pain or torment or depression in their day to day lives. I count myself blessed that I do not suffer from any of these illnesses (though I can get a tad withdrawn and cranky pants from time to time). I can only say that I am here in whatever capacity to try and help if needed. Maybe something as minimal as writing something that people can enjoy or to share a laugh to try and ease their pain. You are all so strong in your own ways, fighting your inner demons and I am proud to know all that I call my ‘virtual’ friends. From being a parent whose girls did leave the nest I know exactly what you are talking about Andrea. My world crashed around me, I wrote my book, it took some time (and the youngest to return back home) to accept how my life had changed and how to move forward. *Hugs* xx

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  6. Very well said. I too had trouble trying to figure out what to write about an what not too. It’s a scary outlook, but I am realizing its facing that very fear that will open a way to a healthier life, if there is one. Thanks for adding your thoughts along side mine. They mesh well. 🙂

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    • Thanks Dave, and I agree it’s facing the fear and learning to overcome it that opens up the paths ahead. We can let the fears and obstacles overcome us, or we can overcome them. The choice is ours. And though the outcome may not always turn out the way we hope, when we are the overcomer we can at least be content in knowing we weren’t defeated and that we gave it all we had.

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  7. I can relate to all of what you said, especially having Fibromylagia myself for the last 15 years. It does define me. Sometimes we become accustomed to the pain of an illness, or an unhealthy relationship. I get it. very much so..

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    • thanks Mer, and somehow I thought (hoped) you might… after reading your posts and following your blog for the past few months I have found that you and I have very much in common…

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