myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours

My current state of discombobulation…

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I have been suffering from bloggers block since my recent move… and now I am in the position where I have put off doing a post long enough that I feel a bit overwhelmed. I have many ideas swirling around in my head. So many in fact that they kind of get all meshed together tumbled about until they are an incoherent blob that I cannot seem to unscramble. It makes me think of trying to undo scrambled eggs… once the yolks and whites are mixed there is no turning back unless you start over with new eggs…

So I think I shall start with my recent move: the actual move itself went really well. The problem is that even though the new place actually has comes in with larger sq footage the layout is very different and it seems that I actually have more furniture than I realized and I am not sure where to put it all. So all in all the new place is still feeling very unorganized and I have much unpacking and setting up left to be done. I got the essentials done and then kind of hit a road block… so I sit and stare at it feeling bewildered and wondering “now what?” One step at a time it will get there and it will feel like home… eventually!

Truthfully I have been feeling a bit off kilter, especially since the sorrow of Boston, and I know that many of you out there are also experiencing this. I have fought with myself on this. I was already feeling off, trying to re-establish my sense of balance. A lot has changed in my life in the last month. Not only did I relocate to a new dwelling, but my eldest daughter and her family relocated, it’s strange not getting my little daily visits from my grandbabies. Plus my son had been crashing at my place for the last few months and he is now in Northern Alberta. So it is just me and the 2 youngest on the home front.  And then there is Boston… I find myself in a place of strange detachedness.  I have a hard time coping with such things… and to be honest right before my move a girl in our community went missing and roughly week later was found in a neighboring community dead, and although my family and I did not know her, many people we know did and I know how they have been affected by it. So I was already in a state where I was questioning humanity. I often find that I do not know how to deal with these types of situations. Emotionally they wipe me out. I no longer watch the news, or read the paper. I just can’t. I react strongly, or not at all. I do have the ability to push these things away – put them on the other side of a wall so that I look at them from afar. It’s a coping mechanism I have learned over the years, otherwise I become enveloped, and overwhelmed. If I allowed myself I would spend my days crying over all the hurt in the world. But what good is that? I am then rendered useless and cannot even supply myself or my kids with the basics. So I swallow it, push it down and away. But every once in awhile I get blindsided by the cruelty of this world we live in, and I get the wind temporarily knocked out of me. I am resilient and always find my way back but it still causes everything to kind of shift into slow motion for a moment or two.

I no longer try to understand these things. I can’t. I try not to let them dictate how I live my life, or how I raise my children because I cannot protect them all the time from everything. Sometimes we find wisdom in unlikely places, like Finding Nemo…

Marlin: I promised I’d never let anything happen to him.
Dory: Hmm. That’s a funny thing to promise.
Marlin: What?
Dory: Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.

Not to say I live pretending the world is never cruel, but I am also well aware that it is a beautiful, amazing and even giving place to be. But it seems that there is bad along with all the good, darkness along with all the light, and perhaps these things exist as they do so that we can appreciate the good stuff. So we can revel in the moments of joy, celebrate the moments that actually make sense, and learn to seek and give love in a world that can feel so cold and apathetic.

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Author: myspokenheart

Blogger, life lover, silly-hearted daydreamer...

18 thoughts on “My current state of discombobulation…

  1. I enjoyed this piece. I understand you.

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  2. I was in a similar place as you Andrea. I too was also discombobulated with the pressure I put upon myself in the blogging realm, this of course is nothing like you have mentioned. You have a mess around you, but a mess that can be cleared and sorted with baby steps if need be. Parts of our world become all consuming and our thoughts lend us to believe we are incapable of fixing or adjusting…but we can and we do. As Shaun and all of your other friends have commented, renew your spirits with the kindness and support that your blog buddies are giving you. Your new place will soon be a home and no longer a house. As for the tragic events of the world – they sadly will always be around us, we can feel for those involved, feel anger for those who caused, but in essence we must continue to move forward. For the good as they say, outweighs the bad and focussing on the bad will get us nowhere. Put that music on, laugh at the boxes around you, tell them you will get to them when you are ready! Glad you have returned. xx 🙂

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  3. May I first say I “LOVE” the word “discombobulation”

    I wish I also could reach through and give you a hug.
    It is hard just now with all the POINTLESS shit going on, we are all numb with it.
    I think posting this blog has allowed you to know “We are here with you” We feel the same Andrea

    On here we all feel like you (I guess)
    This is our “Happy Place” and also a place we can share our stories.
    I had SEVERE E-mail issues, so I wasn’t getting people’s blogs. All sorted.
    So I am glad to say to you and others I ADORE on here …I now get the emails.

    Switch off from the pain, turn the news on, get some music going.
    Individual acts of kindness are abound in the replies here.
    Hang onto them, and as said, the world is a shit place, but filled with AMAZING people like yourself and everyone to reply above…

    I am glad the move went well..

    Hugs from your Tartan buddy 🙂
    Shaun xx

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    • aaahhhh yes discombobulation… one of my favorites 😀 …

      Thank-you for the hug and the pep talk… you brought both a smile and a few tears to my eyes (good tears not sad ones)… Yes there are a lot of very wonderful people in this world and I am so glad to have had the chance to meet even just a few of them… funny how so many have gathered in one location…

      music… one thing that always pulls me through… I know I am down and out if there is no music going on in my life…

      Hugs back at you my Tartan wearing friend… 😀
      Andrea *smiles*

      PS Glad you got your email issues fixed…

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  4. It is hard to sometimes separate ourselves from the news, to not let it have an effect on us. I think this is a good thing though? It means we are considerate, compassionate. We also need to remember though, when it builds up and overwhelms us, that media seldom tells us of the good things that happen. The the births of all the babies, The children that smile when a new puppy is brought home, the smile of a grandparent as they hold their grandchild on their knee. The tiny flower that pops up in the garden soon joined by its friends. A flock of birds passing over head.. The calm relaxing things that let us know we continue, the things that inspire our muse too.

    oh, and the new nemo movie that is coming out… but not for a while. 😦

    Finding Dory. Yay.

    Sometimes we have to look a bit harder to see what is right in front of us, to know things are actually going along pretty good.

    *hugs lots*

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    • there is so much in the world that can uplift us if we just focus on it… like you say the simple things, a butterfly, a kitten, a small child playing… the sun, the stars, birds (eagles)… one another… let us not miss the trees for the forest…

      *big hugs back* and a *smile* too…

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  5. I find it somehow comforting to remember that humans are actually much less barbaric than we used to be. It is just the cruel few and the technical ability to know about them that brings it to our awareness.

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    • Yes I think in many ways we are less barbaric, yet some-how with technology we are colder… less compassionate and empathetic… also we are more aware of the ‘bad’ going on than ever before – again due to technology… I believe it can be a double edged sword, yet it is an evenly balanced scale holding both the good and the bad…. it’s up to us which one we choose to focus on…

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      • Yin and yang, eh? I was thinking that too, but it seemed like a lot to post. It brings us closer, and makes us feel less secure. I suppose the only self-defense we have is to distance ourselves psychologically from it. I cope by trying to focus on the good and bad that I can change. It might not be “right” but it is the only way I have found to cope.

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  6. I know all about discombobulation. Sometimes, I think we need to just go off into our happy place when we are feeling a bit unhinged. If you are anything like me, writing and WorPress are your happy places too. xxx

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    • I find solace in a few places… writing/blogging can bring relief but first I have to sort the feelings out… I do that with music and unfortunately by internalizing… I pull inside myself and just “shut down” for a bit… then I am able to open it up and express it… we all have our methods right?

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  7. Ahhh Andrea. I wish sometimes that this stupid computer screen was really a portal that I could reach though and wrap a grand mighty hug on to you.

    And I want to do that. I am feeling similar things as you know.

    As for the new place. It will get done … or it won’t. In any event, its a better place yes? Take things at your own pace … and let’s make plans to watch that new Nemo cartoon soon *smiles*

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    • hugs you back miss Katie… I know you too have been feeling the pull of the world, and fighting against it… and I know we would have a grand big hug and share some tea and much talk, and silliness…

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