musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours

we all need time to grieve…


I was going to leave the tragedy of recent days alone. I was going to carry on as if it never happened, partly because I do not want to draw any more attention to the situation than has already been done, and partly because as horrific and unfathomable as it is it does not affect me or my little world (that is not entirely true as it can bring me to tears and make me a useless mess at any moment if I allow it). Another reason is I feel that all the families affected deserve their time to mourn in peace; I can only imagine how hard it would be to grieve under the watchful eye of a ‘well meaning’ society (The thought makes me shudder).

But there is a flip side to this coin that all seem to have lost sight of. Now perhaps I see things the way I do because there is something desperately wrong with me. Or perhaps it is a gift (an unwanted gift). Who knows? But the young man who did what he did (he will remain nameless here) – in spite of how we want to see him, or of how we may need to see him, or how we feel, in spite of all logic – was a real living, breathing, feeling human being. He was a young man barely started in life. He is reported to have had mental illness – that was obviously not being treated as it should have been. He had a family with people in it who loved him – who still love him. Who are now grieving and trying to sort it out in their heads and hearts.

No one wants to relate to him as a real person – I understand it’s much easy to make him out as a monster. But he was a person. He had parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins – just like you and me and the kid next door, and somewhere in that mix of people were individuals who loved him. Individuals, who are shocked, appalled, overwhelmed and heart broken. No-one raises a child thinking they could turn out to be a mass murderer, a wife abuser, a drug addict, a molester, a rapist, a thief, etc. But it happens ALL the time. How? Why? I have no idea.

To all who are still reading… Please know that my intentions are in no way to undermine or minimalize the pain and grief of the victims. Their pain and grief is beyond comprehension and cannot, should not ever be thought of as less than that. Their pain is mind numbing, heart wrenching and all consuming I know this to be true even though I am not in their shoes. But the harsh reality is his surviving family members are victims too. Victims who will experience moments of hate and confusion. Moments where they will blame themselves. They are victims who will wonder where they went wrong and how could they not have seen. But how could they have, no-one could have seen this. And they must understand they cannot blame themselves for what he did – and neither must we. Every one of us is responsible for our own actions and cannot control the actions of others. Pointing fingers and getting angry just spreads more hate, confusion and mistrust. This is a time for love and compassion, and in time, eventually hope, healing and forgiveness will follow.

I know people will not see what I see, some will get very angry reading this, some may stop following me. That’s ok.  Just don’t respond with hate. Take time to think. Take time to ponder what can we do to help prevent this from happening again? Can we make this better for all involved? And if so how?

From myspoken-anddeeplysorrowed-heart to yours… xoxoxox


Author: myspokenheart

Blogger, life lover, silly-hearted daydreamer...

16 thoughts on “we all need time to grieve…

  1. Reads … and feels sad for everyone ….


  2. Thanks Amber… your input on this is appreciated 🙂


  3. It goes back to the stigma of mental health. The frowns and whispers.. the shunning, saying the lack of understanding just doesn’t touch it.

    Yes it was so terrible. Beyond comprehension. The sadness will last so long.

    The sadness for him, will not be so strong, the understanding not possible. The if only’s though, they are strong. They will talk about gun control and go on and on about it but that is not what needs to be addressed.

    The stigma of mental health has to be removed. People need to feel treating this is not something to be ashamed of or feared. We can all battle it together, support the same way we do when a friend has a broken leg or the flu.

    This young man, the things he did were beyond terrible. the if only’s though, if only he had some help, some caring… if someone heard his whispers, he had to have made them.

    A great post Andrea. 🙂


  4. It is good to have diverse views to have a more rounded perspective of things. And I would think that single and narrow minded views are what leads to extremist actions.


  5. That’s poignantly written. And you know as easy as we say it “Hate the sin, not the sinner”, it’s just human nature to ridicule the person and wish them the worse who does such heinous acts. I see your point of view completely when you say that he was also someone’s son, brother, relative and they shall also be mourning his death. It’s tragic it happened and true learning from it will be to eradicate such crimes by giving the right care and treatment to the people suffering.


    • Thank-you muzer dear… “hate the sin and not the sinner” so easily said, not so easily done I’m afraid… would I be able to be objective if I was one of the grieving parents? most likely not… but he was a person with a heart and a soul and feelings… and I just can’t seem to shake that… perhaps this is the path to finding solutions?


  6. I’m absolutely with you. A chap once said that you could judge a country by the state of its prisons. What he meant was that it is not how well we love those it is easy to love that counts, but how well we love the hard to love.
    The only place I would disagree with you is that we ARE all responsible for each others actions. We all go to make up the world, and therefore what it is possible to happen in the world. We all go to make up what is taught, what is believed, what is manufactured, what is acceptable, what is possible etc.
    We cannot go on making guns, violent films, violent games, toy weapons etc. and not accept some responsibility when these messages short circuit in someone.
    You have been brave in posting this so plainly, (I also put forward a similar notion) but I am behind you on it. He was not simply a mad, evil, monster, he was someone’s broken son.


    • I hear you RoS… I think as a society we can guide, correct and suggest… but in the end the final decision is always up to the individual, but I get where it is you are coming from and yes as a society we all have had a part to play…

      As I parent I see this idea all the time – I can’t make my kids do anything, but I can tell them what I expect, what I would like, what I feel is right, and then pray they make the right decisions…

      This is our role as a society to help one another… support one another… it would be so much easier if we were all on the same page – but that is where free will and individuality comes in… and we all hold our breath praying for good decisions…

      and yes I remember your post that pointed in this direction… it touched my heart… *smiles*


      • It’s true – such is the fraught life of a parent. You can make a mess of it and they turn out fine, do everything right and they go off the rails, and everywhere between.
        We need what the buddhists call ‘compassionate awareness’.
        As long as there’s people like you there’s hope 🙂


  7. Yes. The world needs more compassion, love and understanding. You are not the only person who feels this way. Go to to read about an amazing project which aims to provide alternatives to hatred. I can’t imagine how the parents of those little children feel right now, but we are right to remember that the perpetrator was a little boy once. Bravely and truly spoken x


    • Thank-you Face (much better than FatW)… I will check the page out after work today… and yes he was a little boy once… and sadly his family also has to grief the loss of his mother… I cannot begin to grasp or understand so much sorrow…


  8. I understand what you have written and possibly you will get those that stop following you because of this. However we are doing these posts as a way of releasing what we feel as individuals and yes we are entitled to our opinions. If people judge you that is unfair as you should be able to say what you feel in this Forum. None of us will know the absolute truth about this tragic event. So many different stories will emerge as time passes on. You have shown courage in writing this…what you feel about the situation and I for one shall keep following you.


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