musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours

Birthdays, goodbyes, and hope


I am feeling a wee bit emotional today. Perhaps it is hormones? But I don’t think so – and who wants to talk about that anyway? I know I don’t… Or perhaps it is the weather… it is absolutely GROSS outside. Not only is it pouring, you know those big fat drops that splat on your head and run down the back of your neck, but it has been dark out all day. It feels like dusk, it has been in that twilight state for the entire day.  Or maybe it is because tomorrow is my Birthday, which means it is also my son’s birthday, he will be 19 (no I will not tell you how old I will be and its rude to ask). He is now officially an adult here in Canada recognized as such by all the 10 provinces and 3 territories. So what does that mean? it means he can now legally drink, vote, buy lottery tickets and porn, gamble, purchase cigarettes and get into strip clubs  – Woo-hoo!!!! Isn’t it great our government allowing all these amazing and wonderful opportunities to the adult populace!!!

Anyway – It also looks like he will be moving away. He has lived with his dad for the last 2 ½ years, and it has only been in the last  5 months or so that we have lived close enough for me to see him regularly. At the same time this is a wonderful blessing, as I love him dearly – he is my son after all, it is also at times difficult as he loves to instigate and rile his sisters to point of absolute distraction, which can tend to be just a tad on the stressful side, especially for me as I can never seem to please everyone at once and some-one is always left feeling slighted. Mind you he is a brother and somehow I think it is his job to pest and irritate both me and his sisters. (I was a lonely – oops I mean only – child so I know nothing of this sibling rivalry shit stuff, and how it is supposed to work or what is normal or not. And as my ex comes from a house with 4 boys known as “the rotten insert-last-name-here boys” I do not believe I have been exposed to a clear example of the norm.)

Nevertheless he is looking at taking a farm job in the interior of BC in a very remote, very tiny town in the middle of absolutely nowhere. I actually think the experience could be good for him and a small part of me is jealous because when I was young and newly married it was the type of opportunity we so desperately desired. Decent pay, free housing, off the beaten track, it sounds kind of lovely actually. (It also sounds like a nitemare for my allergies – sigh). And I do not think the remoteness will be too hard on him as we lived in a remote town on Vancouver Island for years. He understands how it works needing to make a 2 hour drive on a back highway to get proper groceries and clothes etc. with the nearest town being just that a town not a city. Realistically it isn’t even that far away a 7ish hr drive – except that I currently do not have a car (now that is a problem).

At one point today I was feeling a bit blue (about both the birthday thing and him moving away)but that has lifted and I am actually feeling fairly optimistic, not just about tomorrow (I know better than to get my hopes up or to have any great expectations) but I feel optimistic about the future. I really believe that good things lie ahead and this will mark a fabulous year. Why will it be different than any past year? Because I am different than I was before. I have different objectives, goals, and wants. I no longer see myself as unworthy, and I can feel a small coal deep in my heart that is being fanned into flame… it only takes a spark to start a forest fire! I think the difference is that I feel hope. Or a better way to look at is I am carrying a pure, clean, peaceful hope that has replaced the desperate, clawing hope I carried with me in the past.


Author: myspokenheart

Blogger, life lover, silly-hearted daydreamer...

52 thoughts on “Birthdays, goodbyes, and hope

  1. Pingback: My Homepage

  2. I guess I’m weird. I like talking about hormones.


  3. 47 comments.. a good party 🙂

    Thanks for having a birthday Andrea, you put smiles on a lot of faces. 🙂

    psssss… but that is not new, you always do. *hugs*


    (zooms through riding skateboard, smashed on cocaine and licorice, glass of Delirious Bastard in one hand, unnamed smoking thing in the other – screaming indecipherably something that sounds like Birthday!… seriously, I am rocking the house ….whaaaaaayyyeeeeeeeeeeee……)


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  7. One of my little people reached her majority a few months ago: it was a funny old day…I felt a mixed bag of emotions too. How lovely that so many people on here love you enough to cyber-party in your honour…can I sing happy birthday? Keep that hope simmering: could be the start of something really good 🙂


  8. oh this is too cute… just ignore the commercial part.


  9. woo hooo, dancing. wait.. we need music. cellos…. and meadows, happy faces and fun…. and friends. 🙂


  10. Sending a Happy Birthday too Andrea ! 🙂


  11. Double happy birthday’s. And I want to party too! Please bring orange juice. I cannot drink.

    Your son is going to be fine. I imagine you are feeling the way my mother felt when I disappeared off to college and rarely ever came back. I bet you raised one heck of a young man. I will wish for your “empty nest” to forever be filled with many beautiful and happy things. Much love from my side of the world. And a great tractor load of hugs.


    • My darling November I am thinking a joint party next year! We have a whole year to figure out something amazing right 😉 (it may have to be a cyber party…)

      many *hugs* and loves for you… ❤


  12. Hey – Looks like I’ll have to tidy up and try and dig out my party-cd’s 🙂 Rustydoodle can do the cakes!
    It’s a funny old fish watching the kids isn’t it, that mix of pride in their growth and mourning for that bundle they were, joy that they are finding themselves in the world and sadness that they are leaving. He’ll be alright – he has you as a mum.
    Have a lovely day Heart – the time difference means your party is gonna mess with my wee tired head 😉


  13. This will most certainly be a double comment for me … as I see Amber is starting a party above *whhheeee*

    But for this one … I want to first wish a double happy birthday for you and your son. And whilst it might be hard to see your son move a bit further away … someone wise and wonderful recently told me, “if you are feeling sad just close your eyes, feel a warm hug and know that you are loved.”

    And … fan that spark into a brilliant flame … I’m bringing some logs and we will be making a big feckin bonfire.


  14. ooooh, we will have to have a blog party tomorrow. 🙂


    who is going to bake the cyber cake? Katie can do decorations.

    we need a list…

    lots to do

    spreadsheets… chocolate.. prizes and gifts.. 😉


    • Totally SPINS a spreadsheet out with all kinds of colours and columns and rows and formulas…..but …don’t worry about that…just look in the corner where the answer pops out …showing …. PAAARRTTYYY!!!!!

      *Comes running with both hands filled with pastry bags of icing!!!*

      Oh … music….we need music!!!!! Dance music! Squirrel music! Music we can play and sing out loud with in HORRIBLE off-keyed voices…well..okay, Andrea will not be singing off key but I will Drown her out !!!

      *grins* …. ohhh … we should have it at ruleofstupid’s house….yahh….where is April? Where is Jean and Jen and November and and and and and …


    • Well Amber I saw your post this morning – and I must say you did up the invitations nicely 🙂
      (my biggest question is how do we make cyber chocolate into real chocolate???)


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