I am feeling a wee bit emotional today. Perhaps it is hormones? But I don’t think so – and who wants to talk about that anyway? I know I don’t… Or perhaps it is the weather… it is absolutely GROSS outside. Not only is it pouring, you know those big fat drops that splat on your head and run down the back of your neck, but it has been dark out all day. It feels like dusk, it has been in that twilight state for the entire day. Or maybe it is because tomorrow is my Birthday, which means it is also my son’s birthday, he will be 19 (no I will not tell you how old I will be and its rude to ask). He is now officially an adult here in Canada recognized as such by all the 10 provinces and 3 territories. So what does that mean? it means he can now legally drink, vote, buy lottery tickets and porn, gamble, purchase cigarettes and get into strip clubs – Woo-hoo!!!! Isn’t it great our government allowing all these amazing and wonderful opportunities to the adult populace!!!
Anyway – It also looks like he will be moving away. He has lived with his dad for the last 2 ½ years, and it has only been in the last 5 months or so that we have lived close enough for me to see him regularly. At the same time this is a wonderful blessing, as I love him dearly – he is my son after all, it is also at times difficult as he loves to instigate and rile his sisters to point of absolute distraction, which can tend to be just a tad on the stressful side, especially for me as I can never seem to please everyone at once and some-one is always left feeling slighted. Mind you he is a brother and somehow I think it is his job to pest and irritate both me and his sisters. (I was a lonely – oops I mean only – child so I know nothing of this sibling rivalry shit stuff, and how it is supposed to work or what is normal or not. And as my ex comes from a house with 4 boys known as “the rotten insert-last-name-here boys” I do not believe I have been exposed to a clear example of the norm.)
Nevertheless he is looking at taking a farm job in the interior of BC in a very remote, very tiny town in the middle of absolutely nowhere. I actually think the experience could be good for him and a small part of me is jealous because when I was young and newly married it was the type of opportunity we so desperately desired. Decent pay, free housing, off the beaten track, it sounds kind of lovely actually. (It also sounds like a nitemare for my allergies – sigh). And I do not think the remoteness will be too hard on him as we lived in a remote town on Vancouver Island for years. He understands how it works needing to make a 2 hour drive on a back highway to get proper groceries and clothes etc. with the nearest town being just that a town not a city. Realistically it isn’t even that far away a 7ish hr drive – except that I currently do not have a car (now that is a problem).
At one point today I was feeling a bit blue (about both the birthday thing and him moving away)but that has lifted and I am actually feeling fairly optimistic, not just about tomorrow (I know better than to get my hopes up or to have any great expectations) but I feel optimistic about the future. I really believe that good things lie ahead and this will mark a fabulous year. Why will it be different than any past year? Because I am different than I was before. I have different objectives, goals, and wants. I no longer see myself as unworthy, and I can feel a small coal deep in my heart that is being fanned into flame… it only takes a spark to start a forest fire! I think the difference is that I feel hope. Or a better way to look at is I am carrying a pure, clean, peaceful hope that has replaced the desperate, clawing hope I carried with me in the past.