myspokenheart

musings on life, love and laughter from my spoken heart to yours

The Birthday…

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Today is feeling like a long day. It is cool and damp and foggy outside. It is one of those days where the chilly dampness gets into your bones. It is moving slowly, if I listen carefully I can hear the clock ticking out the minutes. Instead I turn up the music hoping it might speed things up a little. I do not want to be here today. It is my daughter’s 15th birthday and I would rather be at home getting things ready. I would prefer to be cleaning up, decorating her cake, putting up balloons and streamers, just making sure everything is as it should be. But this year it seems I have no control over anything. I have ordered her gifts and so far nothing has arrived. I feel panicky “BUT HER BIRTHDAY IS TODAY!” I tell myself – It’s OK though, she is a good kid and she knows already what she is getting (for the most part), and she is happy. Yet I want things to be perfect.

I am struggling with this birthday a little. When my 2 eldest kids turned 15 it didn’t faze me, but this time around I feel it. I was 15 when my mom was diagnosed with cancer – the day after my birthday actually, and I am grasping how young 15 really is, I am wondering how her world would be if it was her receiving the news that she is destined to be an orphan. Funny thing is out of my 4 kids she is the one I have the hardest time connecting with, I always thought she was the least like me. (I am starting to rethink this.) She is so independent and outgoing and people oriented. I wonder if she sees herself the way I see her. She is beautiful, and smart and amazing. I cherish her, and should tell her more often how special and important she is to me. We seem to butt heads a lot, she is very stubborn and iron willed. Not bad character traits if one learns to use them correctly. They can actually carry you far in life. I wonder if she knows that?

I can’t imagine being told that I would be leaving her, that I would be lucky to have 6 months to instill wisdom and advice and guidance. How that must have ripped my mother’s heart out. I want to hold my daughter tight and never let her go. But I know that can’t be. I know that she would never accept that, she is far too independent; she has been since she was just a wee thing. 15 is such a difficult time, it’s when you are becoming the person you will be, but you aren’t there yet. When you are treated like both an adult and a child. When responsibility is piled on, yet all the restrictions of being a kid still exist. It is a frustrating, confusing, conflicted age.

I think I need to be gentler; I need to do what I can to keep the doors of communication as open as possible. I need to guide her in the right direction, not tell her what to do. (Although there are times when that too is appropriate.) She is now at the age where I have to loosen the reigns. (But how? I don’t want to – *sigh* – parenting is such a hard job.) She needs to be trusted to make good decisions. The next 3 or 4 years are the testing ground for when she goes off on her own. I do not want her heading out at 18 or 19 completely green with no idea what the real world is all about. (I started my family at that age!) But I am afraid I may not be ready to face this. I worry she is not ready to face this. So I will do my best to just be here, to help her, guide her, protect her every step of the way.

“Hey kiddo I sure love you and the amazing person you are growing up to be, Happy Birthday!”

 

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Author: myspokenheart

Blogger, life lover, silly-hearted daydreamer...

8 thoughts on “The Birthday…

  1. How did it go yesterday? Did at least one of the things you ordered for her come in?

    And .. you should print out this post…and let her read it…(or maybe not … so hard figuring out how to tell them you love them and how much to let go and to protect and everything). I feel these were such honest thoughts being put to paper. It is good Andrea.

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    • It went good, and yes one of her gifts showed! yay! and the others finally shipped 🙂 – hopefully she gets them monday at the latest…

      I hear you on the call trying figure what to say and not to say… some days its easy, some days its hard, and some days we just screw it all right up – but that’s ok its how we all learn…

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  2. awww, sings happy birthday, Hope it is going so fantastic! I bet it is though.

    hold her tight and tell her your story.

    she is an untrained adult in a tiny adults body. she wants both. to be treated as an adult and to be able to just be a kid again. but doesnt everyone?

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    • so far all is going well… had sushi opened presents… but not cake and singing time yet… 🙂

      she may be an untrained adult…but she is not tiny, she is already 5’8″…

      and some days being a kid again would be fun…

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  3. Totally awesome blog today! you have the wisdom and know how on parenting….hey would you look at that!….your mom would be so proud!! and all your kids are well rounded, smart people..you must be doing something right! your dinner and evening will be great (even if your not 100% perpared right this minute) have fun and be in the moment ❤

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  4. What a lovely post. I sometimes accuse my sons of being stubborn and having a ‘I know best,’ attitude. All I get is a wry smile from my wife and a ‘Hmmmm’. I guess we just have to suffer it ha. 😉

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