“You will never get over it, but you will learn to get on with it”
Tomorrow is a difficult day. It marks the day my universe shifted. The day I lost my friend, my confidant, my security; the one who was constant and ever faithful to be there for me. It is the anniversary of my mother’s death. She was one who kept me in check, who drew me back to reality when I lost sight of it. It was her arms that drew me in and hugged me when I felt like my world was coming to an end. And then one day the world as I knew it did come to an end and her arms were no longer there.
It makes me sad that none of my children ever met her, that I never knew her as an adult – my view is always from a child‘s perspective. I have never been able to call her up and ask for advice when I have been at a loss about life, love, my kids’ behaviour… anything. I have never had the joy of seeing her hold her grandbabies. So much the average person takes for granted, and I have never experienced it, and I never will. Yet I know that there are those who have hurt more and lost more than I can fathom, at least I had my time with her, and I know I was very much loved, and I know… I know she would be proud of me, and my children and I suppose that is enough.
Grief is a funny thing. It has been 26 yrs since her death and every once in awhile it is still as raw and painful as when it first happened. Yet sometimes I am totally ok with it. Some years special days go by and I don’t even give it a second thought (Birthdays, Mother’s day, Christmas, etc). But some years those days haunt me, following me, tugging at my heart, reminding me that something, some-one is forever missing from my life, and I can never have her back. They whisper her name, taunting me because there was so much left unsaid, and undone. And sometimes it is just a hollow feeling, that I can’t quite put my finger on… leaving me feeling desperate and restless.
Grief bows to no-one’s will, she plays by her own rules; which makes it so hard, because I don’t know her damned rules and it seems like they are always changing. There is nothing constant in grief, and it feels like it is never ending – I’m not saying I spend my whole life feeling sad and depressed and crying. No, far from it, it’s nothing like that, it’s just that grief can sneak up you when you least expect it and smack you upside the head with a dizzying blow, leaving you stunned and breathless. She can yank the earth out from under you, knock you on your ass, and laugh at you while you sit there feeling bewildered, wondering where the hell the emotional flood came from because there is no rhyme or reason to how or when she strikes…
Years back some-one told me some very true and very wise words in regards to grief, death and loss; “you will never get over it, but you will learn to get on with it” if I saw them today I would say thank-you, because those words gave me hope and helped set me free from grief’s companion, guilt – but I think that is another blog for another day.
From my spoken heart to yours, xoxox