“When you stop doing things for fun and passion, you stop living and you start merely existing.” ~ Marc and Angel (marcandangel.com)
That pretty much describes the rut I had been in for so long I couldn’t even really remember doing things for fun and passion. Hhhmmm – fun, can some-one remind me what that is exactly? And don’t get me started on passion… I had completely forgotten what my passions even were, never mind being able to live for them. It has been a long road to self discovery and acceptance. One I am still walking and will likely walk till I die (and I am ok with that as long as I keep moving forward).
One morning a few years back I found myself looking at my face far too closely in the mirror, as I leaned right in I asked the stranger I was staring so intently at, “who are you?” That was the day I realized I had lost my focus. I wasn’t living my life with joy, heck I wasn’t even really living at all. I was just going through the motions to get myself through each day, swallowing the lie of ‘tomorrow’ – that magical day that never comes where everything will be better, happier, easier, blah, blah, blah. I was pushing down the feelings of regret, panic, and resentment, as I realized that I knew what each day held – nothing but emptiness. I stood there like an idiot staring at myself as I came to terms with the fact that I knew what my children liked and didn’t like, what my then husband liked and didn’t like… but I didn’t have a clue what I liked, or what I wanted… yet I was realizing what I didn’t like and what I didn’t want. I didn’t like the way I was feeling and I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life merely existing with no passion, no desire, no energy, no feelings, no nothing… just a big list of nos.
That was the day I began to wake up. The day I realized I needed to rediscover myself and find MY passion, I needed, no wanted to start living. And here I am today still trying to figure it out, but I am happier, I do have fun, and I am working on my passions, first finding them – what makes me excited? What makes me feel? And now that I am recognizing what they are I have to take the steps to start doing them (like starting this blog), instead of listening to my lame excuses (no-one will care, there isn’t enough time in the day, maybe after I clean up the house, etc). One step at a time, right? But I can honestly say, for the first time in so long, that I can actually see glimpses of the road ahead of me. The question “where do you see yourself in 1, 3 or even 5 years?” doesn’t leave me blank and panicky any more. The road may still be blurry but it’s there in front of me. All I have to do is keep moving forward, and that makes me pretty happy! 🙂
Smiles for the future from My Spoken Heart to yours, xoxo